I am back from Vegas:). I was gone from Tuesday - Friday attending the ABC tradeshow scouting out fun new products for www.mom4life.com. My good friend Heather DeWitt and her daughter Tessa came along as well and we had a great time. I look forward to introducing the great things that we found in the future. Some of you have checked in with me wondering how I am doing since I last wrote. If I had to sum up how I am doing in one word it would be: contentment, and for me, this is a very big deal.
In the Bible, the apostle Paul says, "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4: 11b-13) In the past I have always been amazed at these words, wondering if I am content and if I am, if I would be if my situation were to change. One thing I have been reminded of in the past four months is that I cannot always control my situation, only my response. I do not believe that being content means that I am always happy (this is proven each time I am caught with tears streaming down my face and my heart crying out for God to carry me though the day). Nor do I believe that being content means that I should stop holding out for hope of future change for our family. Contentment seems to be the willful ability to take all that I have at that moment and recognize what is of true lasting value and clinging to that above everything else. When looking at life from that perspective, I am reminded of the temporal nature of this life and the eternal time line that awaits. As I said before, it does not mean that I do not still grieve in pain because I do, but I am also able to rest soundly in the confidence that Satan will not have the final say.
After I wrote my last post on the topic of wanting the chance to hope again (for another baby), many of you wrote me and told me that you were praying for me. Four days later I was given hope of another kind, hope that Sawyers life would be used to point someone to eternal salvation.
It started with this email sent to me by a woman named Crystal on 9/4 at 11:01 PM (shared with Crystal's blessing):
"Dear Heather,
I stumbled across your site while searching for baby stuff a few weeks ago. I read all of the posts regarding your sweet son, Sawyer in one day. I remember sitting at my desk in my cubicle jungle crying and thinking of how full of faith you seem to be. I went back and read every post of your blog as I wanted to see if I could absorb more of your faith.
You see my problem with faith is, and has always been, my analytical mind. I lived with my grandma for a few years and she took me to church with her every Sunday that she could. She tells me all the time that she prays for me to 'see the light' and 'that I will realize the truth in Scripture. I always scoffed at her faith and asked my job to schedule me on Sundays. I have prayed, sure. But only in fleeting, scared, moments. I have never really asked for forgiveness, or faith, or whatever it is I should pray for.
For about a year my husband and I decided that we were going to try to get pregnant. We have been on this path for many months and with many starts of pregnancy, but not one progression. I knew from doctors that this might be an issue because of past eating disorders, but I was not prepared for the reality of it. To be so close and to have it not turn out the way that I want it to is so frustrating. People ask if I am pregnant yet and I have the hardest time responding to that question. Do I tell them all the troubles that I have gone through with this? Do I tell them that I had a few positive tests, only to obviously fail at something I desperately want? I want to scream that "I AM TRYING! BUT OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A CHILD!" Because that is how I feel. I have tried talking to doctors. I can't really talk to my friends (they are all single and often drunk, so I have been avoiding them for a while). I have tried talking to a shrink. I do talk to my Husband, and he is wonderful, but I feel bad bringing up my sadness every day when all he wants is to make me happy. I started trolling baby websites, looking for anything baby related so that I could pretend for a minute that I could think about baby things. This was how I came across your blog and how I realized that maybe what I need is Faith...which is why I am writing you.
I was so happy to find your blog. I was not nearly as close to meeting a child as you, but you seem to feel everything that I can't describe. Your blog came to me at exactly the right time, which is something that I can only assume was meant to happen. The problem is that my mind is screaming that it was dumb luck. My head is telling me that life does not work like that. I want to believe, but for some reason I just can't let go. Which brings you to my question: Where do you find Faith? What I mean is: I have read some scriptures. Parts of the Bible, The Koran, even the Book of Mormon (I live in Salt Lake City- land of the LDS). The scriptures that most resonate with me are the ones you post on your website. Where do these come from? and a bigger question (for me anyway) is how does one go about finding God? I have tried a few churches here and there, but nothing seems to "fit". I want to have Faith as you do, but I have no idea how to find it.
I understand if you are unable to respond to this email. I appreciate it if you made it this far in reading. If you are able to find the time to answer, I would be most thankful. If you are not able to answer, then I will not take it as a sign not to pursue faith. Rest assured, your words will not make or break my search, they would only help me in it. I also know that this is a heavy subject and will understand if you are not wanting to respond. Either way, I thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
Crystal Black
Salt Lake City, UT"
***
Moments before I received this email I was heading off to bed. However as I read Crystal's words I knew I had to reply right away. Below was my reply sent at 1:33AM:
Oh dear sweet Crystal,
I was just getting ready to head off to bed tonight when I saw your email in my in-box. I couldn't’t go to bed with your email unanswered. My heart aches for you. The longing that you describe and the aching and emptiness that you feel need to be filled, needs answers. The good news is I can say with total assurance that there is a God that is very real. I can totally appreciate your analytical mind as I also am analytical. I believe that understanding God takes faith but fortunately God is also able to prove himself real through logical reasoning. I hope that you are sitting comfortably in a good spot with a cup of tea because the questions you posed are the most important questions you could possibly ask in life and it is very important to me that you get the answers you are looking for. Please keep in mind that I myself am totally imperfect and while I will do by best to answer you as clearly as I can, only God can do that perfectly so I will be incorporating a lot of passages from the Bible to help show you where I am getting my information from (you asked where I get my Scriptures from, they are all from the Bible).
You ask “Where do I find Faith?”, great question! I had another blog reader ask me this question a while back. I am not sure if you happened to have read this post or not. You can find my answer to this question here on my blog [in my email to Crystal I copied and pasted the contents of this post in with my email but for the sake of space here I will simply provide the link].
You also asked, “How does one go about finding God?” wow, another great question!
The awesome thing about God is that he CAN be found. The bible says, “Now without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently search for him.” (Hebrews 11:6) It also says, “Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.” (Matthew 7:7)
I love to look to God’s creation for all the amazing things he put in place as proof of his existence. When he created the universe, he paid attention to detail! He made the Earth at the exact distance needed from the sun in order to allow us the right amount of heat to sustain life without consuming it. He created the Earth with the exact tilt needed to provide us with seasons which could support vegetation to support the animals and humans and provide oxygen to the atmosphere. The earth’s exact tilt is stabilized because of the orbit of our moon. Our moons position causes the tides in the sea. The plants on earth produce oxygen and take in carbon dioxide, we in turn take in oxygen and give off carbon dioxide supporting each other. There are even small details such as birds that have a beak that is the exact length of the petals from which they suck out their nectar (the Erythrina plant from South America). Nursing mothers find that the distance from their shoulder to their elbow is the exact distance needed to bring the baby right to their breast when cradled in their arm. Every detail is taken care of! Everywhere you look there is evidence of God.
BUT knowing that there IS a God isn’t the same as being known BY God right? It is one thing to know that there is a president of the United States, it is quite another to be known by the president. When God created the earth, he declared his creation to be “good”, however when he created human life, he determined to create us in “His own image” and then he blessed the man and woman he created and told them to “fill the earth, to subdue it and rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the sky and every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-31) We are the reason that God created the Earth, it is for us! A God that loves us enough to create an amazingly complex, highly organized habitat wants us to know about him in perhaps a similar way that your husband seeks to show you his love by doing things to take care of you. God is able to carry this out perfectly. God wants you to find him and I believe that it is no accident that you came across my blog when you did and are asking these questions today.
First of all Crystal, I want you to know that God LOVES you. Not only does he love you, he really likes you:). Sometimes we hear so many times that God loves us, that thinking about the fact that God really likes us too can be almost more powerful, I think. There is nothing you can do to earn that love, He gives it freely and fully. Honestly, that is where the truth of Jesus Christ and the Bible stands out against all other “religions”. All other “religions” want to make a way for you to earn your salvation or your way to heaven. But the truth is that you don’t have to wait until you have it “all together” before reaching out to God. None of us could ever approach him if this was the case. God is here for you today, right now. If you will allow me to, I would like to share 8 Bible passages with you that can help clarify God’s love for you and what you can do about it.
The first passage in scripture that I would like to share with you is found in Romans 3:23 This passage says: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Basically what this passage is saying is that we all suck:)! Every person that has ever lived needs God, we simply can’t do it on our own, we all make mistakes (we all sin), continuously and we need help.
Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages (consequences) of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” It makes sense that the God that created us would know how to help us right? That he would be the one to care the most about us, his creation. So what did God do to help us? How can all these people be made right with God? Remember that God is perfect and has never sinned. So what was needed was a way for sinful people to be able to be made right, for their sin to be removed so that we could have a relationship with a perfect God. The only way to do this was for God to make an amazing sacrifice. He allowed his son, Jesus Christ who was also free of sin, to die on a cross as a replacement for us. When Jesus died he took on himself all the sins of the world so that we could have the freedom to approach God directly, without fear.
Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
John 3:16 also says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Knowing about God isn’t a replacement for having a relationship with him. God made a huge sacrifice in allowing his son to die for us. What he asks for in return is our faith, our trust in him.
Romans 10:9 says “If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” All we have to do is believe, that is it, believe it in your heart and say it with your mouth that Jesus is Lord. It is amazingly simple right? We (people) like to complicate things but God is straightforward and clear. We are sinful, we need help. He loves us and wants to help. He is perfect, we are not. He allowed a way for us to come to him though the death (and later resurrection) of his perfect son, Jesus. He waits for us to call out to him for help. When we do, when we can say “God I need you, I can’t do it on my own. I know I am a sinner, I make mistakes. You are perfect, you are God. I believe in you. I believe you sent your son to die for me. I believe that Jesus not only died but he rose from the dead. You are powerful and can do all things. I want you to be Lord of my life. Please help me, please forgive me, forgive my sin. I choose to live for you, I don’t want to live this life on my own anymore, I give it to you.” then we trade our life without hope for a life filled with hope and a future of eternal life in heaven.
Romans 5:1 has this wonderful message about what happens after we accept God’s salvation: "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Through Jesus Christ we can have a relationship of peace with God. True peace Crystal, the kind of assurance that no matter what comes our way, we have someone solid to cling to, someone much, much bigger than us, someone that LOVES us, the one that created us.
Romans 8:1 teaches us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Because of Jesus' death on our behalf, we will never be condemned for our sins. This means that the mistakes we have made, the sinful acts that we have done are not held against us, we are fully forgiven by God. This does not mean that we will no longer sin because we will, it doesn’t mean that we won’t have to experience consequences for our sins because often we will, it means we have someone to go to with our sin. We can continue to go to God at anytime and ask him to forgive us and he will.
Finally, we have this precious promise of God from Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Basically this means that there is not ANYTHING that can keep God from loving us, nothing.
Crystal, God loves you very much. I simply couldn’t hold back from sharing the story of his love with you. The truth is God is ready at anytime, in any place for you to reach out to him. The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to take action. Don’t just agree that there is a God, choose to make him YOUR God, tell him you need him and invite him to be an active part of your life. Ask him to show himself to you and then be ready to see it when he does!
I don’t know if you have time to listen to sermons on line or not but I have been really, really loving the sermon series that was just being taught at our church lately. They were talking about how to know that God is real and that the Bible is the true authority (as opposed to say the Book of Mormon which you mentioned in your email). The way they are doing the sermons is very mentally stimulating because they use so much great logic and proof, it is great for giving you confidence in God’s word. I really think you would really enjoy it especially hearing that you are a logical thinker like I am. You can click here http://www.reallifeministries.com/sermons_current and then on the sermons from the “Expelled” series. If you listen to any of them, let me know what you think ok?
I would love to know your thoughts on all of this, do you have questions? Does this begin to answer what you were asking? Let me know. Do you mind if I send you a bible? It would be my honor. You are and will continue to be in my prayers Crystal.
***
The following day Crystal wrote back with this email:
"Wonderful, Wonderful Heather,
I can not thank you enough for answering my question. You have made me wonder about everything that my mind has ever said is truth. This is a very good thing, because that is what I think I was searching for. You answered everything that I asked and more. You gave me so much more that I ever could have expected or dreamed of. Your answer was so perfect, and I am so grateful to you.
I began to question WHY I did not believe. Why couldn't I say that the Bible is true? Why couldn't I say that Jesus Christ lived? Why? Because I was terrified. Saying those things, believing those things, means that I am not in complete control of my life. It means that there is someone else who knows what my purpose is. I always thought that there was no purpose. That all of life is a random accident. I know now that I was running scared. I worked all those Sundays so that I wouldn't have to face myself. So I wouldn't have to relinquish my control.
I read your message many many many times. Over and over again your words made me feel so light. I cried and cried, but then I read it again. Each time that I read your words that there is nothing that can keep God from loving me, I felt so free. I was always afraid that my sins would be too great. Your message gave me assurance that it is okay if I sin. That it will happen and that God will still love me. This also made me feel so much lighter and sounds too good to be true.
I thought about the words that you suggested. I sat on my floor, in a corner of my home, and thought about how easy it would be to just say those words. I felt myself being pulled in two directions. On one side, it felt like I was getting lighter, that I was feeling warmer. On the other side, it felt like I was being pulled. It was cold, and dark, and felt...scary. I said those words and I felt like my arm was ripped away from whatever was holding me back. I felt lighter and I felt like I was HAPPY. I cried till I felt I had no more tears, but I have not felt that kind of peace, well, ever. I feel that I had a piece of me given back that I didn't even know was missing.
You asked if I have questions and I have to say yes. I hate to take any more of your time, and I am sorry to intrude on your life, but where do I go from here?
You asked if you could send me a Bible and I have to say that you seem so full of grace and love, I would be honored to receive a Bible from you. And I feel so unworthy of being in your prayers. Thank you so very much for taking the time (a lot of time, I assume) to respond to my questions. I apologize if my email kept you from sleep, but you have to know that your reply has probably changed the course of my life forever and I will be forever grateful for the reply and your prayers.
Thank you so much, Heather. Truly you have changed me.
-Crystal"
***
Crystal's reply (you can see her sweet face here) brought me to tears--grateful, humble contented tears. All I could do was offer my deep thankfulness to God for allowing me the joy to see eternal value come from my pain. Crystal left me with another great question, "Where do I go from here?" I will follow up with my reply to this question tomorrow. For now, I would love for you to join me in praying for Crystal and specifically asking God to provide a mature, Christian friend to come along side her and support her as she grows in her faith.
For those of you reading who are not sure where you stand with God, I welcome you to send me questions you might have about faith and God and your concerns or questions related to this topic. I am not a Bible scholar but I do have a trusty manual (my Bible) and am more than happy to address your questions. I also extend the same encouragement to you as I did to Crystal--take action. As I mentioned before, God is ready at anytime, in any place for you to reach out to him. The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to take action. Don’t just agree that there is a God, choose to make him YOUR God, tell him you need him and invite him to be an active part of your life. Ask him to show himself to you and then be ready to see it when he does! I would love to send a Bible to you as well, if you would like one simply email me your address (heather @ mom4life.com - taking out the spaces) and I will get one in the mail right away.
What I am thankful for today:
-Evidence that God is at work despite my pain and can offer contentment regardless of my circumstances.
-The new life in Christ that Crystal has found-praise God!