Mom4Life

Happy Friday by Heather Ledeboer

Happy Friday!  It feels like it has been a long time since I have written.  The reason is not that I have run out of thoughts, but rather that we have been enjoying the company of my in-laws and haven't had as much time to write.  They will be visiting for another week.  I hope to pop in here and there during that time but I won't promise anything long and lengthy:). 

This weekend we are taking a trip to Seattle (Trent, Hunter, Ashlyn, my mother and father in law and myself).  I will look forward to sharing some photos of our trip when we return. 

In Mom 4 Life news:
In a further effort to "spring clean" our shop we have put several items on sale (many have prices that are newly reduced as of today).  I invite you to check them out.  There are also still some items available that were listed on the blog a few days ago.

***

We have also recently added a "Go Green!" category to our website filled with environmentally friendly products.

***

We have LOTS of really great new items that have been added to our "new items" link on our website, have fun browsing and let me know what you see that you like!

***

We still have Sew Golden BabyLegs in stock, click here to make your purchase and perhaps you will be a lucky winner!

***

Lastly, be sure to check out our homepage for this weeks' "weekly special"!

What am I doing tonight? by Heather Ledeboer

I was sent a link to a YouTube video by Rebeca and a sermon link by Tonja (the Mother's Day message by Patty Moreno).  I watched the video and cried those good tears that come when you hear someone else voice the feelings you have inside.  I am listening now to the sermon. . . thank you to both of you for these messages!  I invite the rest of you to listen and watch as well. . .

The Mother's Day message in the sermon link is about 45 minutes long so find somewhere and get comfortable (I had to wait until 11:30PM to listen so I wouldn't be interrupted:).  I love the reminder about being even just  1 1/2 degrees off course about 1/2 way through the message but I especially loved the ending.  When she talks about the Mother's day at her church I was literally sobbing with tears and had to pause it to go blow my nose and wipe my eyes because of how much I could relate to the prayer she prayed to God and how beautiful it was to see how God confirmed to her that he had heard.  Please listen and let me know what spoke to you. . .

The Fire by Heather Ledeboer

Two months ago today I gave birth to our son Sawyer.  Two months ago today our son took his first ride in a car.  The car drove him to a funeral home.  A brand new car seat, purchased just weeks before and still packed neatly in its box sat in our garage, unused.  Today I hold an urn in my hands, but no baby in my arms.

When the funeral home called a few weeks ago and said we could come pick up Sawyer's ashes, I felt a strange sense of finality deep within my soul. This was it. . . the proof that our little boy would no longer be with us as we remembered him. 

For those of you who may be wondering, we chose to cremate Sawyer because to bury him required that we know WHERE we wanted his burial place to be.  Deciding where to bury our family simply seemed to be too big of a decision to make for us at the time.  So, we instead opted to have him cremated and kept with us until we knew. 

As a side note: The container that holds Sawyer's ashes, also holds special meaning to me.  It was given to me by my grandmother (Nanie).  She was a beautiful woman of God who was as generous as the ocean is salty.  She died two months before Sawyer.  We have always kept the names of our children a secret until they are born--this drove Nanie crazy!  Every time we talked, she would try to guess or would suggest names.  Two days before she died, we visited her in the hospital and shared with her Sawyer's name (the link will show you a short video clip of her on that day, again showing her generosity by arranging who would get her flowers after she died:).  She was so pleased to be the only one to know his name:). 

I remember going to the funeral home just a few days after Sawyer was born with Trent to sign papers they had for us regarding the cremation.  Reading them over, I recall that there were specifications about how the cremation would be done and details explaining that no jewelry would be consumed in the fire so they had to be removed.  I remember thinking, "If only he were old enough to have worn a watch. . ."  The director asked us questions required for the form he was filling out.  He knew that this was our infant son but yet he still had to ask us if he was married or had ever served in the military (no joke).  "If only. . ."

I remember that I carried with me that day a special blanket made for Sawyer and I just clung to it feeling as though I needed to have with me something that was his.  It was as if in giving his body up I wanted to still feel as though I had something physical to cling to that was his.

Thinking about my son's lifeless little body laying in a furnace to be burned was almost more than I could take mentally.  I know "he" is separated from his body now but as a mother, you want to protect your children from harm.  Willingly allowing strangers to handle his body in that way. . . I had to think of it as a very special ceremony and envision that the people performing the ceremony would do it with the uttermost respect and honor (and oh how the tears flow just typing the words) and that the flames themselves were from God, wrapping around his cold body and bringing a special purifying warmth.

I did a search for the word "fire" in the bible and found that there is a strong connection between fire and God's presence.  In Genesis 15:17 a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed by Abraham as God's promise that He would keep his word to Abraham.  In Exodus 3 while Moses was tending his flock, he came upon a burning bush.  God called to Moses from the fiery bush and spoke his instructions to rescue the Israelite people from slavery.  In Exodus 13:21 God led the Israelites with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire at night and verse 24 tells us that the pillars never left the front of the people.  Exodus 19:18 tells us that the Lord descended on Mount Sinai in fire before he met with Moses, giving him the 10 commandments.   Malachi 3:3 speaks of God as a refiners fire whose purpose is to purify.  Each of these examples show a part of God's character through fire: he keeps his promises, he speaks to us, he leads us, he meets with us to give us guidelines to keep us safe, he purifies us.  However, my favorite example of fire in the bible is found in Daniel 3.  It is here that I read the story of three young men (Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego) who were so passionate about their relationship with God that they were willing to give up their lives for it.  The King (Nebuchadnezzar) was willing to kill these men because they were putting their allegiance in God (rather than in him).  Here is how the story reads in the bible: 

19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king's command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, "Weren't there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?"
      They replied, "Certainly, O king."

25 He said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods."

26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!"   So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, "Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. 29 Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way."

The day after the funeral home called to say that the ashes were ready, my husband picked them up in town.  After he got home and I came into the room I saw the urn sitting on the kitchen counter next to the sink.  It makes sense that a plant, left-overs or perhaps even dirty dishes would be sitting on that counter, but not the remains of my son.  I couldn't even bring myself to touch the urn and for several days that is where it sat.  Finally I realized that the kitchen was a pretty unsafe place for the urn to be stored, God forbid that it would get knocked off the counter or something.  Imagine the sad sight of an emotionally unstable mother sitting on the floor of the kitchen with shards of her sons urn all over the floor (I am told that the ashes themself are stored in a bag inside the urn).  So, I was forced to pick it up.  I was surprised by how heavy it seemed, despite how small it was.  I held it to my chest, embracing it and for just a moment letting my emotions fully realize the preciousness of what I was holding in my hands.  I then moved it to our bedroom and placed it next to a maternity photo taken a week before he died where it rested again, untouched, for several days.  I have tried to figure out why I haven't touched or held it much.  I think perhaps for me it is a little like a Pandora's box; holding it unlocks all the reality of what we have faced in the last two months and lately it has been easier just to push it out of my mind and pretend it away.  Tonight as I write this, Sawyers little urn sits next to my computer because I just took a photo of it in my hand.  Each time I pick it up, the weight transfers through my hands and settles deep in my heart.

I think that God can make himself known to us in many ways but often he uses fire.  The fire that consumed Sawyer's body served one purpose, the fire that feels like it will consume me serves another.  I have a promise from God and as shown in Exodus 15:17, God keeps is promises.  He says: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 

Not only did he rescue Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego from the flames, He saw to it that they were not alone in the midst of the fire.  I believe he will do the same for me.

How you can pray: That God will continue to show me more of himself

What I am thankful for: God's book of promises (AKA "The Bible")

Old Navy let me down by Heather Ledeboer

**an update to this post is below**
Ok so I love Old Navy, they have good prices and I can almost always find something (or a few somethings) that I like there. 

Today I was sent a link to a woman that wrote a post about a shirt she recently saw in Old Navy and because I saw the same shirt this last weekend (and had the same reaction that she did) I wanted to share her post with you.  I took the liberty of emailing Old Navy with my concerns (custserv@oldnavy.com). 

**Update** Old Navy replied to my email within 24 hours which is good.  However, Glen's reply was very generic (I will copy it below) and in the reply he referred to the "inconvenience you have experienced with our products and services", which I thought was a strange choice of wording.  I wasn't inconvenienced by their products, I was offended by them (did he really READ my email or just pull out a generic template reply?).  I would be interested to see if anyone else gets a reply and if so, if it is worded in the same way or not.  As a business owner myself I know that feedback is very helpful in deciding what products to offer but the larger the business is the more voices need to be heard in order to make a difference.

"Dear Heather,

Thank you for your e-mail. We would like to apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced with our products and services. Please know that our goal here at oldnavy.com is to exceed our customers' expectations. We're sorry that, in this instance, we clearly did not meet yours, and hope that you will give us another opportunity in the future.

We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us to share your thoughts. At Old Navy, bringing irresistible fashion at an amazing price to our customers is important, so we will pass your message along to our merchandising team. Please be assured that customer feedback is the most important consideration when planning what our future products will look like.

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us via e-mail at custserv@oldnavy.com or by calling 1-800-OLD-NAVY.  Our Customer Service Consultants are available 24 hours a day for your convenience.

Sincerely,

Glen
Customer Service Consultant"

Tear Soup by Heather Ledeboer

The road is beginning to narrow.  Before Sawyer died, I remember hearing about people going through difficult times of loss and people talking about how important support was, not only in the beginning, but for the long term. 

After Sawyer died, I was given a book called "Tear Soup" by someone very sweet who had also experienced great loss.  This children's book is beautifully written.  It tells the story of a grandmother who has just suffered a big loss in her life and is cooking up her own unique batch of "tear soup"  The book give you a glimpse into her life ans he blends different ingredients into her own grief process.  her tear soup will help to bring her comfort and ultimately help to fill the void in her life that was created by her loss. 

There are MANY parts of this book that I can relate to, I would like to share some of my favorite parts with you:  "There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy.  She just suffered a big loss in her life.  Pops, her husband, suffered the same loss, but in his own way.  This is the story of how Grandy faced her loss by setting out to make tear soup. . . Because of her great loss Grandy knew this time her recipe for tear soup would call for a big pot.  With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, all the misgivings, all the feelings and all of he tears she needed to stew in the pot over time.  She put her apron on because she knew it would get messy.  It seems that grief is never clean.  People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place.  to make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.  And then. . . Grandy started to cry.  At first she sobbed.  Sometimes she wept quietly.  And sometimes when she was in a safe place were no one could hear her. . . she even wailed.  Grandy knew she had to make much of this part of the soup alone.  She learned from past experiences that most people don't like being around tears.  her friends would worry if they knew just how many tears Grandy's recipe called for this time.  So, the old and somewhat wise woman reflected on her own special recipe as she looked down into the large overflowing pot of memories.  It was a task she would repeat many times during the next few months. . . Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty.  There were not words that could describe the pain she was feeling.  What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped.  . . people stopped by to see how Grandy was doing.  They filled the air with words, but none of their words took the smell of tear soup away.  Grandy was gracious because she knew how helpless her friends felt.  they wanted to fix her, but they couldn't.  All Grandy really needed from them at that moment was knowing look and a warm hug. . . Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup.  The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends.  "I'm here," Midge cried.  "I got here as fast as I could and I'll be here whenever you need me.  what a tragedy.  I'm so sorry you're having to make such a big pot of soup."  Oh what a relief.  Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around Midge.  Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling.  And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief.  "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner," said Midge.  "No problem," replied Grandy.  "I've had plenty of help.  But most of these friends will be history pretty soon.  They'll be over my tragedy long before I am.  But I know you'll still be around."  . . . On some afternoons people would ask questions like, "Is it soup yet?" Or, "How long is it going to take?  You have been at this for over a month now.  It's time to get out of the kitchen."  Grandy fumed at the caller's advice.  Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day.  She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come.  When she was alone and needed to think she found it helpful to keep notes on her soup making.  Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married along time.  They already knew each other's tear soup would be different.  Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to.  And he's perfectly content to dine alone and ship his own soup.  Making tear soup is hard work.  Sometimes it was all she could think about.  even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore.  Grandy knew there were times when she needed to take a break from her soup making.  Even though it was hard to do, she forced herself to get away.  Grandy heard that a neighbor was having to take her turn in the kitchen.  Some people thought that the neighbor was eating too much tear soup.  So Grandy, being an old and somewhat wise woman, called and invited her to a special soup gathering where it's not bad manners to cry in your soup or have second helpings.  Soon the thoughtful cooks sat at Grandy's table and discussed the process of making tear soup.  There are some parts that require help from friends and some parts you just have to do alone.  They shared stories about soup making they wouldn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged a bad cook. . . These people had become Grandy's "new best friends." . . . Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special.  Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe.  some days you feel like running away.  You just hope a better day comes along soon.  And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup, It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time. . . I don't think you actually ever finish.  The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though.  I'll put the rest in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste.  I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.  I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you.  And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

The parts of the story in bold are especially true of how I have felt lately, but unlike Grandy I don't yet know if the hard work of making my batch of soup is almost done. 

We started this journey with a host of people walking right along side us.  Over time, it is natural that many of these people begin journeys that take them away from mine.  Friends that love us dearly return their focus to their own family and needs at hand.  It is not that they don't care deeply or that they have forgotten us, but they cease to be affected by it on a daily basis.  I am not saying that I don't have support or a great number of people that I could call on at anytime.  I am just recognizing that the scenery changes as time goes on and what support looks like changes.  There are days (like last Saturday) that I am simply sad all day and feel as though I am the only one still grieving this loss.  There are also days that I feel quite wonderful and think that perhaps the grief is behind me.  As time goes on and the permanence of my situation sinks in deeper and deeper, I realize that this will never be behind me, I will never "get over" my loss, I will simply learn more and more how to live with it.

How you can pray: That when I feel alone in my grief, I will never lose sight of the fact that God will never leave my side.

What I am thankful for: For those of you still walking by my side on this journey, what a blessing it is to be able to share my heart and know there are friends willing to "listen" and pray and offer comfort and support--what an amazing gift.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways by Heather Ledeboer

Today my husband turns 30.  There are no words to properly put into perspective how thankful I am to know him and be his wife.  While I know that no one is perfect, I do believe that he is perfect for me and our family. 

Honey, I love you for so many reasons, below is just a short list of 30 wonderful examples that come to mind when I think of you:
1. You are a man of God who loves Jesus
2. You keep your promises
3. You are trustworthy
4. You have a heart of compassion
5. You gave me Hunter
6. You gave me Ashlyn
7. You gave me Sawyer
8. You are an involved and loving father
9. You have wonderful insight
10. You are a great cook
11. You have always been supportive of my goals and dreams
12. You are so sexy when you unload the dishwasher for me (because you know I don't enjoy doing it:)
13. You are wise with our finances
14. You have a lovely sense of humor (even if it is so dry that I can't hardly tell when you are serious)
15. You are so trusting and let me have freedom to paint the house in any color I think will look good:)!
16. You make a fantastic shrimp pasta dish
17. You let me sleep in almost every morning!
18. You love to have things organized (just like me:)!
19. You are not a complainer
20. You lead by example
21. You are forgiving of my flaws
22. You are willing to change how we do things if there is logical reasons to do so
23. You enjoy learning new skills
24. You are not lazy
25. You do your fair share of changing dirty diapers
26. You encourage an enjoyable home atmosphere with your positive attitude
27. You display selflessness on a regular basis
28. You appreciate me just as I am
29. You don't point out my faults unless I ask you to:)
30. You love me

I can only hope that I can enjoy another 30+ years with you.  Happy Birthday to the best man I could ask for, I love you! Heather

Happy 4th of July! by Heather Ledeboer

Cardboard testimony (part 2) by Heather Ledeboer

Several of you read and responded to my post about my cardboard testimony.  I wish to extend a very special thanks to those of you who were willing to be transparent enough to share your own testimony with us.  Below I have those that were shared with me or left as a comment to the first post.  If you didn't read the original post regarding this topic, I encourage you to do so (the comments below will make a lot more sense if you do;).

As a side note I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!  I plan to take the weekend off from writing and will meet you back here next week:).

___________________________________________________

Lost our daughter in 2005 at five months of age.

Through God's grace, our healthy son is almost 14 months old, and I have rediscovered prayer.
-Sarah B.

*

Had two miscarriages, survived a terrible car accident with my husband and daughter, and then lost a daughter at 23 weeks.

Gained a greater trust in and understanding of my God the Comforter, the Healer, the Protector.
-Emily

*

Lost Aunt to plane crash, Nephew to cancer, hope to life. Almost lost mother to ruptured stomach. Had stroke, almost lost it all.

Found God was just where he promised to be. . . with ME!
-Sara

*

Tomorrow is my birthday. But thinking of being another year older I started to think how I have changed, if at all, during the last year. Most of us dread getting another year older as I did but today I had a self revelation.  Tomorrow, on my birthday,  instead of worrying of getting another year older with one more wrinkle or grey hair (And yes I do have many ;) ) I will instead celebrate been blessed with yet another year of life. Even though most of you know I have been struggling with anxiety, arrythmias and POTS (Posterior Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) I have learned that God sends things into my life as opportunities to grow in myself and in faith. Another year gifted to me by God to love, to grow, to learn, to be more patient, to be  kinder to those less fortunate, to spend more time with my loved ones, to appreciate the smallest things around me, to encourage those he need encouragement, but most importantly another year to celebrate that with or without my medical problems I was put into this earth for a reason and as long as I am able to wake up every morning, I have learned through my hard times that I wake up every morning knowing that my journey has not ended but in fact it has begun. My 'new normal' was a hard one to accept but through faith I have realized that my 'New Normal' is a blessing that has lead me to reinvent myself and to learn inner peace (PE), strength (STRE), patience (PA) and kindness(KIN). To all of you, whom I hold dearly in my heart, I wish that on your next birthday you can reflect on your last year and not just celebrate it but have a PESTREPAKIN DAY!!!!!!  :)
-Jenny

*

Born with a heart defect and needed a miracle to survive.

Searching everyday for God's purpose for me here on earth.  I know I'm here for a reason, he worked a miracle for me to stay here!
-Bliss

*

Once was selfish and only thought of myself and my needs

Now I serve His people as a missionary in Botswana Africa
-Sarah W.

* 

Patience and the platypus by Heather Ledeboer

What I am learning today:

I think patience may be on equal playing ground as the duck billed platypus and the anteater.  I know they exist, I have even seen "actual" pictures in books and footage on TV to prove it but ask me if I have ever pet a platypus or talked to an anteater and I am going to have to say "why no I haven't".  For all I know they might not even be real, heck there could be an entire conspiracy, a wild scheme leading us to believe in these randomly odd shaped animals.  Then there is also this thing called patience, I hear that it exists, I have even read about it in books and seen some examples displayed in movies but can I say I know about it first hand?  LOL, well lets see. . . if waiting while my son begins the same sentence 8 times in a row in an attempt to tell me something he is really excited about counts than yes, I do have patience.  I can do the short term stuff, the less than 24 hours type of patience pretty well.  It is the longer (hmmm perhaps ACTUAL patience) that I am not as good at, maybe you can relate.

Recently I was reading the beginning of Luke in the Bible. It begins with the story of a priest named Zechariah who was married to a woman named Elizabeth.  The bible describes them as "upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly."  Then it goes on to say "But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years."  So here is an old couple who seem to be doing everything "right" but they have no children.  From what I understand, the culture at that time didn't look very kindly on women who were "barren" or childless.  The passage goes on to explain that "an angel of the Lord appeared to [Zechariah]. . . and the angel said to him: Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard.  Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John."  I have read this passage on several occasions but this time I was struck by the words "your prayer has been heard" and here is why: we are not specifically told this but I think it is safe to assume that Zachariah and his wife had been praying for a child for years, perhaps throughout their entire marriage.  We are told they were "well along in years" so I have to imagine that this prayer was likely prayed day after day for many years.  However, when the angel came he didn't say "I know it has been a LONG time but good news, God is finally ready and you are going to have a son!" he simply said "your prayer has been heard".  I gain two things from this:

1) The first is the reminder that God's perception of time is not the same as ours.  We are told in 2 Peter 3:8-10 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.  The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness."  God's "wait time" was totally different than it was for Zechariah and Elizabeth.

2) the second thing is that during all those years of what could have appeared to be unanswered prayer, God was listening, it simply wasn't time to answer yet.

As I continued on in the story I read about Mary and an angel visiting her (six months after he had visited with Zechariah) and letting her know that she was the chosen one to carry Jesus.  Mary was a relative to Elizabeth and went to stay with her after she found out she was going to be pregnant.  Later we read that John (Elizabeth's son) had a very important role in the life and ministry of Jesus.  Reading this I realized that it was indeed VERY important for John to be born just when he was.  He needed to speak and prepare the hearts of people for Jesus, that was his role, his mission in life.  Zechariah and Elizabeth no doubt longed to have a child, they may have wondered why God wasn't answering their prayer and perhaps even questioned if God was listening.  What they didn't realize was that there were other parts to the puzzle that needed to come together before their prayer could be answered.  God was indeed working, but in more than one way.

I believe this is true for me too.  So often I focus on my life, my story, my needs. As I pray, I wait for God to answer my prayers and then wonder why it might take so long to get a reply.  I forget that my life is intertwined with the lives of many others.  I forget that God is working not only in my life but in theirs as well.  What God is waiting to do for me, may be dependent on what he is doing with you and although it may seem like forever as I wait for him to answer, to God it is only a moment.  Thinking about all of this makes me rethink the statement "well this is bad timing".  Elizabeth could have said that: "oh man God, why now?  Why give me a baby now?  I am so old!  Why not 40 years ago when my bones didn't crack as I get down on the floor to play with my son?"  But God didn't work on Elizabeth's time line and I have a feeling he doesn't work on mine either;).

How you can pray: for my increased patience.

What I am thankful for: The gift of friendship.

The last supper by Heather Ledeboer

Hooray!!  Tonight was the last meal of our 10 day cleanse, we made it!!  Below are some photos of how things have looked in our house the last few nights (we cook something for our kids - here it is spaghetti, and we make ourselves a heaping salad).

As promised here is my report and thoughts on "The Perfect Cleanse":

-Overall it was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.  Although the amount of food we ate at each sitting was small (i.e. one serving of grapes) we were eating something every few hours.  Because of that we really were not hungry (expect for a few times that I was running errands in town and forgot to bring my fruit along to eat). 

-We didn't have a ton of energy (likely because our caloric intake was so small) however we felt we had enough energy to do what we needed (we just didn't feel like doing anything seriously strenuous).

-Trent had a headache for the first two days or so (I didn't) and we read that this can be due to your body working on getting the extra toxins out of your system (guess that means I was toxin free-hee hee;)!

-Bathroom visits were reasonable:).

-Trent lost about 10 pounds and I lost about 5 (we are not totally sure because we didn't get our scale until a few days into the cleanse).

-We both drank way more water than we normally do (which is good) and found that we didn't really miss drinking juice, milk, etc.

-We feel that after the cleanse we are more likely to continue drinking more water (and choose it above other drinks).  We also feel that we have gotten more into the habit of buying vegetables than we were in the past (we went to the store several times over the last 10 days to get more veggies and things).  I think we will continue to incorporate more vegetables (we already ate lots of fruit) in the future.  We want to try continuing the habit of eating smaller meals more frequently.  I plan to now add some exercise into my routine and hopefully I can check in with a positive report in a few days that I have kept to my goal in this area.  I don't plan on giving up my nighttime chocolate chip cookie however (warm from the toaster oven), if I am going to loose weight it is is going to have to be done despite my evening cookie:)!

Today after church we bought some fireworks and also swung by Old Navy where I bought a pair of shorts and a t shirt that fit me to celebrate being done with the cleanse.  These shorts are about 4-5 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy wardrobe but hey, I am making progress and it was only 7 weeks ago that I was giving birth so I will try not to expect miracles.

A few of you have told me that you are going to do the cleanse as well.  If you do, I hope you will let me know how it goes for you--good luck!

Above: Hunter and Ashlyn's dinner

Above: Trent and Heather's dinner (minus the Salmon we also enjoyed)

How you can pray: I would like to continue to get as healthy (weight wise) as possible before we (Lord willing) get pregnant again.

What I am thankful for: A supportive and loving husband (I love you honey, thanks for doing the cleanse with me--too bad you had to lose twice as much weight as me;).

My cardboard testimony by Heather Ledeboer

Last week Jenna sent me a link to a YouTube video.  As I watched it, I couldn't help but cry. 

I LOVE that we are all walking around with a testimony unique to us.  I LOVE that in the video they used cardboard to write their testimonies on.  It reminds me of beggars on the side of the street holding on to their "story" with the reason they need help scribbled out on the side of a box.  Sometimes that is exactly how I feel, worn out and ragged, clinging desperately to what defines me and hoping someone will be willing to reach out in kindness.  Can you relate to that at all?  Are we not all in need of help?  We can't control the fact that we live in a broken world and because of that, we are all walking wounded.  What we can control is what we do with our brokenness.

Several of you have emailed me and said that you don't think you could respond the way I have to the death of my son, if you were in a similar situation.  I understand what you mean.  In fact, having a child die late in pregnancy was (as I have mentioned before) one of my "great fears".  Don't we all have a little list of things that we would never want to experience?  This was on my list and right up toward the very top.  I say that not to make you feel bad for me, but rather to point out the fact that I didn't think I could handle something like this either.  The fact that I have deserves some explanation wouldn't you say?

A few weeks before Sawyer died, we were visiting some good friends and discussing the topic of spiritual gifts.  For those of you who may not be familiar with this topic, it is found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 12:1-14.  One of the gifts listed is the gift of Faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  it then goes on to name people in the Bible that demonstrated great faith, people like Noah, Abraham, Moses, and others--normal people who were blessed with a faith to do extraordinary things for God.  As I thought about these examples of faith driven people in the Bible I remembered the verse in James 1:5-7 that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord” The book of Ecclesiastes has always fascinated me because it is all about wisdom and for as long as I can remember I have been impressed with King Solomon in the bible who, when God gave him the chance to ask for anything, asked for wisdom (you can find that story in 1 Kings 3:1-28)—Solomon was later the one that wrote the book of Ecclesiastes.  Because of Solomon's example, I have prayed for wisdom ever since I was young.  However, I don't recall that I had ever specifically prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, so on that day I did.  I prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, extra faith, faith to trust him in all situations. 

I didn't think much about that prayer in the coming days.  In fact, I practically forgot that I had even prayed it until about a week ago when I was sent an email on the topic of faith and I was reminded of the prayer I had prayed shortly before Sawyer died asking for greater faith.  Suddenly it all made sense, of course, no wonder I have had peace through the storm, no wonder I have felt carried, no wonder I haven't been angry at God. . . it was because God was faithful to his word and gave me what I asked for, greater faith.  Not only that, but he was gracious enough to give it exactly when I needed it most.

I would love for you to watch the YouTube video, if your computer connection allows you to.  Then I would love for you to think about your life.  If you have a relationship with God, what is your cardboard testimony?  If you don't have a relationship with God, I would encourage you to consider asking God to show you what your cardboard testimony could be if you were to place your trust in him.

I gave some thought to what my cardboard testimony is and wanted to share it with you.  I would love for you to share yours with me.  You can post it in the comments or send me a photo.  If you send me your photo, please let me know if I am free to also post it on my blog to share with others (if you would rather I not share it just let me know).

"We live by what we believe, not by what we can see." 2 Corinthians 5:7

How you can pray: That your own faith will be increased.

What I am thankful for: The redemptive part of testimony.

The Great Exchange by Heather Ledeboer

The following post was marinated in tears:

Sometimes, like tonight, I just struggle to fully wrap my brain around my circumstances.  So many moments in my day feel all to normal.  The reality of the missing presence in our family feels like it is slipping through my fingers.  The more normal things get the more that I feel like it takes all of my energy and focus to really, truly “get it”.  I have Sawyer's photo open in Photoshop on my computer and I am just staring at him and thinking about how beautiful he is. . . I zoom in and then zoom in again, looking at all the little wrinkles and pores and the zoom button just can’t pull him close enough.  I try to remember or think of what it would be like to hold him again and it just hurts so bad.  It is so much easier not to “get it”. 

Today the funeral home called and said that they are ready for us to come pick up the urn and it just puts a strange sort of finalization to it all ya know?  One day a baby, the next a fist full of ashes.  There isn’t going to be any more holding him, at least during this lifetime. . . and as much as I might try to fool myself sometimes with the silly pep talk about why life is easier without a baby around, I have to face the fact that although life is easier without a baby, it isn’t just any baby, it was our baby and who wants an easier life anyway?

*

Have you ever heard of The 5 Love Languages?  My two primary love languages are "acts of service" and "gifts" (if you are curious what yours are, go here).  As such, it makes sense that there are a few gifts that I have received that have continued to be very meaningful to me over time.  One of them is a doll that my father gave me when I was a little girl.  It was "Raspberry Torte", a shortcake character--she even smelled like Raspberries (or at least to the degree that a manufactured doll can smell like a God perfected fruit).  I don't recall that there was any special occasion for receiving the gift nor was my father in the habit of giving me gifts.  Couple those two factors together and you can see why it is a doll that I still have tucked away and remember fondly. 

I wrote a post at the beginning of the month titled "I want my manual!"  A few days ago a package arrived for me in the mail from my brother in law.  I opened the unassuming package and found my manual packed neatly inside.  On the cover was a note:
"Heather, I was reading your blog thing the other day and you said you were looking for a grief manual.  So I started looking and found one (at Wal Mart of all places).  I marked some different places I thought might be helpful.  I hope this helps.  P.S. There is a lot of other useful information in this manual also.  Feel free to page through it!"

I really can't put into words the way that this gift touched me.  I will remember it right along with my ragged Raspberry Torte doll.

I began reading through the marked passages and stopped at the second one in Isaiah 60:20.  "Your sun shall no more go down; neither shall your moon withdraw itself: for the LORD shall be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended."  When I got to the end of the verse I stopped and backed up, re-reading the last few words "the days of your mourning shall be ended".  I know in my head that there will be a day that I will no longer have sadness or crying or weeping but in the same way that you tend to come away with a larger bill at the grocery store when you are hungry, you tend to read the Bible differently when you are needing comfort--the words have a way of impacting you far deeper than they ever seemed to need to before, past your head and instead seeping into your heart.  I need this assurance, not only that my days of mourning shall end but that they will be replaced by something greater. 

I read on hoping that I would be assured that something wonderful would replace the days of mourning.  I didn't have to read far, just two verses later I found Isaiah 61: 1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”  Praise God.  I will not simply be dumping off my grief and leaving empty handed, I get to exchange it.  I will give my ashes (which has poignant meaning to me after today) and receive beauty.  I will give my mourning and receive oil of joy.  I will give my spirit of heaviness and receive a garment of praise.  I LOVE that about God.  He is all about exchanges that are unbelievably beneficial to us.  None of this exchanging for equal value crap, God wants our crap, all of it and in exchange he offers us things that we could never obtain on our own: healing, liberty, comfort, beauty, joy and praise.  (After my friend Crystal read this post she sent me a link to a song based on this verse.  I added it to my playlist to the left if you want to listen to it.  It is called "Beauty for Ashes", thank you Crystal.  And still later in the day Amy told me of another song based on this passage.  I added it to my playlist as well.  It is called "Beauty from Pain", thank you Amy.)

I took a self portrait while writing this post.  I want to share the face of a mother whose baby sits in a tiny urn.  I want you to know that even if the most sorrowful moments of "getting it" I still hold on to the gift of hope.

"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame" Psalm 25:3

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:4-6

How you can pray:
-For comfort when needed and hope to sustain the days ahead.

What I am thankful for:
-Sawyer's Photo: to remind me that the beauty of his body matches the beauty he has left in my heart.

I'm gonna lose it! by Heather Ledeboer

Stupid maternity pants, get out of my life (or at least out of my closet).  I would be happy to welcome you back into my life (with great fanfare) in some future month, but quite honestly our relationship has gone on far too long.  It is not that you are not stylish in your own special way or that you don't offer great comfort to a bulging belly and bottom but lets be honest I just don't want to need you anymore, go away!  And when you leave, please take my remaining 20 post-partum pounds with you so that I can slip back into the jeans that miss me so dearly.

Ya, gotta love that baby fat without the baby, it sucks.  It sucks to have a closet full of perfectly lovely clothes that don't fit.  I am too stubborn to want to buy things to fit me now because I don't want to be in my "now" size long enough to justify the gas to go to the store to buy them.  But I am also getting really tired of my narrow selection of maternity pants.  You might think that a mom that owns a website filled with all things baby and maternity I would be loaded with amazing maternity clothes.  Truth be told, I got a few great essentials from my selection and then borrowed from friends and shopped the Old Navy clearance rack for the rest!

So what to do about this situation. . . hmmmm lets try a cleanse! 

Today is the end of day 5 of our (my husband is so great to do this with me) 10 day "Perfect Cleanse".  We are eating one serving of fruit every few hours and a full vegetable packed salad (with dressing) for dinner with lots of water and some additional whole food vitamins and supplements (the exact menu we are following is outlined in the book Perfect Weight--which you can get for free if you buy any of the Perfect Cleanse supplements).  I am a total fruit lover and I really enjoy salads too so I figured this wouldn't be too bad.  After day 5 I can say that it isn't bad at all.  We are surprised to find that we are not going hungry because the meals (although small) are frequent.  I am really missing my night time chocolate chip cookie though!!

For me this cleanse is motivation to jump-start my body into a good routine of eating well, exercising and drinking more water.  I bought a scale yesterday (I haven't owned one in years) and was amazed to learn that there are scales that will tell you if you are properly hydrated (I asked for the model that would do my laundry but apparently that one has been back ordered for quite some time).  I figure if I am putting a good 10 days into a clean start for my system I should be able to keep things going in a good direction.

So I will check in when the cleanse is done (or maybe before) and let you know how things are moving along (wink, wink).

For some added entertainment, you might enjoy this 9 min, 20 sec video that I put together as part of an "audition tape" for a new reality/documentary show that is being produced that will come to the homes of working moms who own their own business and show what it is like for them.  If you have seen our "Office Video" already the beginning will not be new, for you but for any of you that may not have seen the "4 Free Friday" giveaway videos that we used to do the end of this video is a nice sampling of some of the craziness that goes down here in Athol, ID at Mom 4 Life:)!

P.S. An updated praise report on my friend that I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post--as of her appointment today, both babies now have heartbeats, praise God!!

P.S.S.  I KNOW that I am not "overweight", please don't feel like you need to reassure me.  Todays post is simply my honest feelings in regards to my annoyance at STILL not fitting into anything except my lovely maternity pants.

Unchanging by Heather Ledeboer

When I look back on my life before Sawyer's death I see a different person.  As I gaze at photos or watch family videos, I want to call out a warning to myself, "Watch out, a storm is coming!  Life seems easy now, brace yourself!"  I was so innocently unaware of the future waiting for me on March 5th, 2008.  Life can change so quickly. 

Just days before Sawyer died, we found out that there were some complications with the zoning for our business.  That same week, we learned the sad news that a friend had recently separated from her husband.  As frustrating as the zoning business was, it paled in comparison to the pain my friend was facing.  I remember sitting together as a family around our dinner table and praying for my friend.  I also recall saying, "Lord, thank you that despite the things going on with our business, our family is healthy and safe.  Because of you, we can face anything that this world has to throw at us with you and we thank you that we can do it together."  I remember feeling that any trial could be faced, as long as my family was by my side.

Days later, our son Sawyer died and we lost part of our family.  Because I had been reading the book of Job, one of my first thoughts after Sawyer died was of Job and his response to the horrific news that his 10 children (and all of his livestock) had died.  He said, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:20b.  Before Sawyer died, I had been brought to tears as I read this verse and thought of the beauty in Job's simple, yet profound, statement of faith.  I clung to that verse in the ultrasound room when I found out that Sawyer had died.  As my midwife went to call my husband on the phone and ask him to come in, I was alone in the room.  I buried my face in the covers of the bed and thought of Job, tears flowing.  I was gaining a new understanding and renewed awe at the reaction of praise Job gave in his time of extreme grief.  I remember breathing the words, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" ever so softly into the pillow, now damp with tears.  As I did, a strange and unexpected comfort filled my heart.  A realization that the quality of my life was not measured by the relationship I have with my family, but rather with the Father that gave that family to me, enveloped my soul.  My previous perception that I was OK as long as my family was, wouldn't work anymore.  I had to hold onto something more steadfast to be my enduring strength. 

I may be a different person, but I cling to the same unchanging God.  When Job cried out in sorrow, his tears fell at the feet of the same God that mine do.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

A few years ago I was appreciating the unchanging nature of God and wrote the following:

Reflect On Me  (Psalm 119:89-90 & Hebrews 13:8)

Consider the ocean.  Consider its power, reflective of my own.  But, consider its consistency, ebbing and flowing day after day the tide moving in and out, reflective of my unchanging love for you--place your trust in me.

Consider the sun and moon, their light guiding and leading your daily walk, reflective of my desire to guide your steps.  But further still, consider their rise and fall, always on time, never late, reflective of my predictability--you can trust in me.

Consider the stars, their awesome beauty overwhelming you, beauty reflective of my own.  Consider still, their charted course carried out over generations, never leaving my plan, always remaining steady and sure, reflective of my promise to you to be the same yesterday, today and forever--you can trust in me.

Consider yet the seasons, their unique and special beauty, but also their predictable occurrence, reflecting my dependability, I will not let you down--you can place your trust in me.

Child, you will go through many changes in your life, but I will stay the same.  I have placed reminders of my unchanging, consistent, reliable love throughout my creation--reflections of me.  So, until we meet face to face, look upon my reflections and know that my love for you will never change.  And because I said it, you can trust it.

How you can pray:
-A very good friend of mine is visiting the Dr. today.  She is pregnant with twins, but they have not yet been able to find heartbeats for the babies.  They are going to check one more time to try to find their heartbeats.

What I am thankful for:
-My friend (mentioned at the beginning of this post) is now back together with her husband:).

Silence by Heather Ledeboer

Have your children ever been playing and suddenly you realize that you haven't heard anything from them in a while and you become concerned?  What might they be secretly trying to get into?  Are they hurt?  Why don't I hear anything?

Yesterday I discovered that silence isn't always bad.  When I opened my son's bedroom door this is what I found:

Hunter and Ashlyn were simply sitting on the bed together listening to music on Hunter's radio--too cute!

A Pair of Shoes by Heather Ledeboer

I have been asked how I am doing.  This is how I can answer just lately:
"I am doing pretty good I think.  I am feeling a lot more whole/solid/grounded if that makes sense.  It seems like I am not as fragile and I am enjoying getting back into Mom 4 Life stuff again.  I am a changed person but in most ways for the better I think and so in this new way I can feel that I am in a sense stepping out of a dark room and walking toward the light and there is hope sustaining the way.”

I have some thoughts swimming around in my mind that I would like to get down soon but at the end of the week/weekend I often like to take a little break from writing.  Again and as always THANK YOU to those of you who check in to see how things are going and your prayers.  We are totally humbled by it.

The poem below was sent to me by a friend named Krista about a week after Sawyer was born.  Since then it has been sent to me a few more times and I have seen it on a few blogs.  I thought it was really good and wanted to share it. I am learning to walk in my shoes so they don't hurt quite as much.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each
day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad
that I do not think I can take
another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they
are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are
might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes
you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can
never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the
only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women ache daily as they try
and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in
them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that
days will go by before they think about
how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a
stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength
to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a
woman who has lost a child.

*Author Unknown*

Welcome to Holland by Heather Ledeboer

A friend named Heather sent me the following poem.  It hangs on the wall in the speech therapist's office where her niece visits.  Although it is written with a different focus than my current situation, I thought it was still applicable and beautiful.  Thank you Heather for sharing it with me.

"Welcome to Holland"
By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987.  All rights reserved.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Lessons from Ruth by Heather Ledeboer

At the suggestion of Angie's post a few days back I recently read the book of Ruth in the bible.  I love how Angie can come away with something poignant and applicable and I can read the same book and come away with something totally different--A good reminder of what Hebrews 4:12 says: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul and spirit, joints and marrow, as it judges the thoughts and purposes of the heart."

As I concluded the book of Ruth I leaned back against the pillows of my bed, rested my head, closed my eyes and thought about Ruth.  She was married and her husband died.  No children to carry on her family name.  No husband to provide or care for her.  As I read her story, I do not read that she curled up and cursed God for his unfair act against her.  I don't read about her shaking her fist and asking why she wasn't left with any children.  It is quite possible that Ruth felt or acted in such a way, but if she did, it is not what is highlighted of her story.  The bible focuses on her faithfulness to her mother-in-law, Naomi and in turn, God's faithfulness to Ruth.  Naomi and Ruth return to Naomi's hometown and by God's sovereign plan Ruth meets Boaz (a relative by marriage).  At the end of the story we read that Ruth and Boaz get married and have a child named Obed.  We then read the family line and see that out of Obed's family comes David (King David) out of whose family Jesus is later born.

What struck me about this story was that it started with pain and death and ended with life and hope.  Ruth's husband died and because of that loss, her life's course was altered in a profound way.  Yet it was because of her loss that she later remarried and it was through that relationship that she had her son Obed and because of that son that Ruth was in the linage of Jesus.  Oh dear Ruth, do you have any idea the blessing that came out of your pain? 

Some of you have asked if we plan to try for another child.  The answer is yes.  Our hearts long for a baby in this family.  Every night at dinner Hunter prays, "God please send us another baby soon" and our family says "AMEN".  Should we be blessed with another baby, we recognize that this specific child in all practicality would likely not have ever been conceived had Sawyer lived.  And in the same way that we simply cannot know the full effect of Sawyer's short life, we cannot fully know what effect the life of our next baby might have.  Ruth could never have guessed how blessed she was through her pain, can we?

How you can pray:
-That in God's perfect timing we might be blessed with another child.

What I am thankful for:
-Hope

How did I know? by Heather Ledeboer

I have had several good questions posted so far.  Today I am going to answer the questions about how I knew or found out that Sawyer had died (if you are new to our story, you can click here and scroll to the bottom to begin at the beginning).

Looking back on it now, I have more clarity about the fact that something was wrong (that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing).  As I compare my pregnancy with Hunter, Ashlyn and Sawyer I realize that Sawyer was much less active in general, I am not sure about early on but especially in my third trimester.  I remember in my first two pregnancies being able to let Trent (my husband) feel the kicks and movements and how they would just be moving for long periods of time and we could enjoy feeling their movement through my belly.  With Sawyer I wanted my family, (especially Hunter) to be able to feel him move so when I would feel a kick or movement I would get ready to have Hunter feel it on my belly and then Sawyer would stop and be done, he just didn't have the same amount of activeness.  BUT I wasn't too concerned about that just thinking each child is different, perhaps Sawyer was just really laid back! 

I had very itchy legs (and later arms) during my pregnancy and mentioned this to my midwife during my third trimester along with a link to the http://www.itchymoms.com/ website asking if I should be worried.  The condition mentioned on this website called ICP, if left untreated, can lead to infant death around 37 weeks.  I also mentioned to my midwife that I had the same symptoms of itchiness (minus the itchy arms which didn't happen until later with Sawyer) with my first two pregnancies.  She suggested that I take the herb Milk Thistle which helps improve liver function as itching is typically related to something with your liver.  I did this and after a week or so didn't notice any real change but because I had itchiness with Hunter and Ashlyn I wasn't too concerned about it and didn’t mention it after that.

Around week 33 I started having some protein in my urine.  This can often be connected with not having enough protein in your diet and since I don't typically eat protein until lunch or later in the day (my appointments were typically around 12:30) we figured that was likely why and I was told to start eating some protein with breakfast and as a snack before lunch.

At week 35 my prenatal visit was at my home since I was planning a home delivery.  My uterus hadn't really grown according to their measurement but my bed is soft and different from the surface they normally measured me on so they thought perhaps that accounted for it.  They had me lay on the floor to see if that helped with the measurement and it did help some so they were not concerned.
 
That weekend I visited my friend Sarah for some pregnancy photos.  At the end of the weekend my ankles were REALLY swollen.  I had never had this before for any pregnancies and was a little concerned BUT it was really hot that weekend and I had been on an airplane so perhaps it was due to dehydration since I know I didn't drink a lot that weekend.  I remember thinking that if the swelling didn't go down within a day after being home I would start worrying.  It did start returning to normal quickly and was fine (pretty much back to normal) within 2-3 days of being home so I just mentioned it at my 26 week appointment but didn't bring it up before that time.

At my 36 week appointment my uterus again measured small and had only gained 4 oz in the previous two weeks (so looking back at this point Sawyer had really not grown at all in the last two weeks).  I was told they would do an ultrasound the next week if I didn't have an improvement.  I had been starting to have a small concern in the back of my mind and by this appointment was feeling uneasy about things but when they listened to his heart it was nice and strong and this made me think I was likely being silly and had nothing I needed to worry about.  I should have spoken up at this point about my instinct that something was just not right, I should have asked that we do an ultrasound right then or ask more questions about the fact that he had not grown and I had not gained weight.
 
My 36 week appointment was on a Thursday.  The following Saturday was our birthing class at the birthing center.  Trent and I went together and my "bad feeling" was still in the back of my mind.  After the class I spoke with one of the doulas there and asked some more questions about my protein being high in my urine and the lack of growth and my swollen ankles the previous weekend.  I was encouraged to be sure I was drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein and assured that the measurements and levels were not in a range that were of concern to her.  That afternoon we went to a local theme park and walked around a lot of the day.  By that evening I mentioned to Trent that I was not sure that I had felt Sawyer move recently.  I was having Braxton-hicks contractions pretty regularly and that was confusing me from knowing how long it had been since I had actually felt Sawyer move.  I tried to assure myself that since I had been walking all day, I likely just hadn't noticed him moving.  Plus being farther along in my pregnancy, I know the amount of movement often is less.  Or I thought that perhaps he was facing my back and his movements were not as noticeable since they were not toward my belly. I am a pretty optimistic person in general and in this situation it was likely not to my advantage because I think I felt I probably didn’t really need to be worried, everything would be fine, my first two pregnancies were fine, this one would be too.

On Sunday I walked with two of my Mom 4 Life assistants in Bloomsday which is a local, annual race.  Thousands do this race, it is run by hard-core runners down to slow walking, stroller-pushing parents.  It is a fun race with lots of community support, music playing and just a real festive feel.  We had been planning to do it weeks before hand.  I was just barely 37 weeks at this point and figured I would just be extra sure to drink lots of fluid and not push myself to hard (we would walk the whole thing--it was 7.5 miles) and if I didn't feel like I could finish I would just take the pace car to the finish:)!  Worst case scenario was that I would start going into labor but since I was 37 weeks even that wasn't a huge concern.  As we drove to the race I remember mentioning to the girls that I was a little concerned that I hadn't felt Sawyer move.  I was hoping that my concern was unnecessary but it was starting to really bother me.  I couldn't even think FOR SURE of when I last felt him move.  I kept having those darn braxton-hicks contractions and that was throwing everything off because I was feeling "something" it just wasn't him.  Throughout the day I kept hoping for a reassuring kick or something.  By that evening after the race, I got on-line and started doing some research about kick counting to brush up on what is "normal".  I read that you should feel around 10 movements in an hour and had a sinking feeling knowing that was not what was going on with me.  It was suggested on-line that I drink some juice, lay on my side and count my movements for an hour.  So I drank some juice, laid down and watched a move with Trent.  I didn't feel anything the whole time.
 
Early the next morning (Monday) I called my midwife and told her about my concern and my this time my "bad feeling" was more of an unconfirmed dread.  It was like somehow knowing something deep down that you don't want to know.  Over the weekend I was slowing coming to realize something awful and knowing when it was time to be "officially" panicked about it and call to have things checked out was hard.  It was like a mix of denial and dread that kept me from calling sooner.
 
The birthing center was having a fund-raiser thing at a local kids bounce house on Monday morning and I had planned to take the kids there anyway.  Because my midwife would be there we decided to have her bring her Doppler with and we could just check things out there.  We arrived at the bounce house and my midwife and I went into the bathroom with the Doppler.  At first she just checked me standing up.  Not finding a heartbeat right away, she had me lay down.  Several times she thought she had maybe found something but it was just my heart beat racing and worried.  My mind went back to my last appointment and how quickly and easily they found the heart rate and by this point I was pretty sure I knew she wouldn't find anything.  Outside the bathroom all the kids were bouncing blissfully and just a few feet away in the bathroom my world was quickly changing.  After several minutes of trying she decided we should go to the birthing center which was very close by to check things out with the ultrasound.  Someone there volunteered to watch my kids and as we drove the few blocks to the birthing center I felt like I was living my last blissful moments before the reality of what I thought was going to be, would begin.  Once at the birthing center, laying on the bed, I thought back 10 weeks prior to when Trent had sat in this same spot for a 3D ultrasound.  It is amazing how vastly different my feelings were the second time around.
 
My midwife searched around for what was probably only a brief time.  For me it felt so long.  I kept longing just to hear that little heart that was so strongly there only 5 days prior.  "Here is his little heart" she finally said, "it is still, I am so sorry".  Until that moment there had been a small shred of hope remaining but seeing that image on the screen, so calm, so void of movement caused the gave reality of the situation to sweep over me like a flood.  It was then that the tears came.  The longing came.  The sorrow came.  The pain came.  "I miss him already" was my first thought (which later was Hunter's first words when he saw Sawyer after he was born).  I felt so hollow and empty.  BUT I was not alone.  As if God himself was whispering in my mind I felt as though he was saying, "You are not alone.  I am here.  I am wi