Mom4Life

Strap To It - my first outing

The first time I took Quinten out alone was after we went to his first dr. appointment and I stopped at a local thrift store to see if they had any infant long sleeve/long legged outfits (apparently we didn't have much of a need for those with Hunter, born in August, in Southern California:).  I had fun browsing the store but was nervous at how un-secure Q's car seat sat in the basket of the shopping cart.  I found myself navigating the store with one hand on Q's car seat and the other pushing the cart through the narrow isles. 

Did you know that 21,600 is the annual average number of kids hurt in shopping cart accidents?  2 out of 3 accidents result from falls.- The National Safe Kids Campaign

It occurred to me that I had just recently seen something to help solve this problem on one of my favorite websites, Mom 4 Life;)! 

My second outing was yesterday, to get groceries.  This time I was prepared with my Strap To It Car Seat Safety Strap.  It was quick and easy to put on and really secured Q's seat down well.  No more worried mom, no more one hand on the car seat to make sure it doesn't fall off, perfect!

You can get the Strap To It Car Seat Safety Strap for 10% off on Mom 4 Life currently if you act fast.

   

He has turned my mourning into dancing

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."   Psalm 30:11

I am now a woman with full arms.  My heart sings again.  My eyes have now cried for JOY.  My eyes gaze upon a new miracle and don’t fear that it will be the last time. 

It is one thing to try to explain your birth story in a way that depicts the thoughts and feelings and emotions under normal circumstances.  It is difficult, if not impossible to attempt to describe the intangible details that comprised Quinten's birthday on June 16th. 

• What stands out most deeply in my memory was the surreal feeling of knowing that “today is the day—there is no more waiting”.  Even as we drove into town early that morning I remember telling Trent that it was still hard to believe that we would be holding a baby, our baby, in a matter of hours, the countdown was finally ending.

• I will never forget the beautiful serenade of Quinten’s heartbeat over the monitor that we got to hear all day long.  It was an amazing comfort to hear that repetitive sound, strong and constant. 

• It felt like a party!  I was wearing a “princess delivery gown” as Ashlyn would call it and had my best friend (Trent) by my side and hundreds of facebook comments to encourage me as we updated my status as the day progressed.  I felt like I had an overflow of support and prayers, even as midnight approached, many were still up checking and praying, it was amazing.

 

• And then, the “moment” when Quinten was born and he let out a cry, strong and clear.  That was the breath that allowed me to stop holding mine.  The longing, the hoping, the praying, the dreaming, the wishing, all joined hands and danced around in the room together as my eyes welled up with tears and overflowed in thankful gratitude.

Quinten James Ledeboer
7 pounds
21 inches
Loved and cherished more than he may ever know

We chose the name Quinten primarily because we loved the uniqueness of it.  It means "fifth" and although he is not our fifth child, I am reminded that it was on 5/5/08 that we found out Sawyer had died and it was in the labor and delivery room #5 that Quinten was born.

We chose the middle name "James" for its meaning "come after, succeed, follow -- be the successor of" in honor of Sawyer knowing that it is because of Sawyer's short life that we have been blessed with the life of Quinten.

I don't think it is possible for me to properly convey how much your support, prayers and consistent encouragement has meant to me as we have traveled along our journey this past year.  I have been challenged, encouraged, blessed and humbled by your kindness.  I pray that God will in turn richly bless you.  From this Mom 4 Life to you: ((hugs))

8 days old

 

Oh man we just LOVE our little guy:)!  Still hoping to have time to write a "real" post about how things are going but in the meantime I just wanted to share a few photos and let you all know we are doing wonderful.  Quinten is eating well and sleeping well and pooping well (all the important things) and we are just soaking him up.  This photo is pretty funny to me because he has been such a great baby overall, I just happened to catch him in a "moment'.  A big thank you to Sara from Snugfits for the adorable shirt that Q is wearing in the photo above.  To view more of Sara's cute Snugfits styles, visit our site.  They are 10% off until this Friday!

To see more photos from this past week, click here.

Now you are speaking my language!

I first heard about the Dunstan Baby Language DVD program when it aired on Oprah quite a while back.  I was intrigued and thought that if there was really something that could help moms know what our babies were saying to us based on their cries, I had to carry it on Mom 4 Life. 

However, I hadn't had a chance to personally try out this Dunstan Baby Language DVD program until now.  The kids and I watched the DVD a few days before Quinten was born and then after we brought him home from the hospital we watched it again (this time with my mom) and then Trent and I watched it again yesterday.  Each time I watch I get better acquainted with the words and more familiar with new ones that I haven't yet heard Quinten use.

The basic concept is that infants have 5 main and distinctive cries that they use consistently to try to communicate their different needs (hunger, need to burp, discomfort, need to sleep, and lower intestinal pain).  If you can learn the differences between these cries then it becomes much easier to help your baby be comfortable and address their needs directly (rather than guessing).  So far I have discovered that Quinten mostly uses the cries for hunger and needing to be burped.  Just knowing the difference between these two cries has been really helpful.  Today at church, after I fed Quinten, I was getting ready to put him in my sling when he started crying.  I could tell from his cry that he still needed to be burped.  I started burping him and it took a while but finally the burp came.  Had I not known what that cry meant I would have likely assumed he was still hungry and fed him on top of his need to burp (that can't be good) or thought that after I put him in the sling he would calm down, neither of which would have been ideal.

I am really excited about this Dunstan Baby Language DVD and think it is a great investment for our family.  The kids have also had a great time learning the cries and feel really great when they can also identify what Quinten is telling us:)! 

Want to try out this program yourself for free?  I would love to send you a free 15 min sampler DVD that introduces the program and teaches you a few of the words.  Simply mention "Dunstan DVD free sampler"  in the customer comments of your next order (placed by June 30th) on Mom 4 Life and we will include one with your order!

Happy Father's day to MY man. . .

It is time I shared how great MY man is (Heather Ledeboer writing here:):

Quite often I am guilty of taking my husband for granted.  There are SO many things that I appreciate about him, but it can be so easy to forget that it is those things that make him so special to me and to our children and to realize that NOT EVERY FATHER is willing to be that kind of man.  I want to honor Trent today by letting you know what kind of a man he is.

He provides for us.  He takes care of us by working diligently and does the kind of work that goes above and beyond.  The company he works for often recognizes this and talks about what a great job he does and how happy they are with him.  Not only can he work well for others but he is very good at taking the initiative and investing his extra time and resources into areas that will be helpful for our family. He is wise with our finances and totally trustworthy.

He takes time each day to really play with our kids.  He wrestles with them and chases them around the house and plays along with Hunter's creative made up game ideas.  He has always been active in the little things too like changing diapers, brushing teeth, and bedtime prayers and stories.

He helps around the house.  It is not at all uncommon for him to cook dinner and he is always willing to help out with cleaning around the house.  Likewise, he makes sure that things around our home are taken care of. 

He is supportive of my goals and has been my biggest fan since I started Mom 4 Life in 2003.  I trust his judgment and often seek out his advice and feedback.  Not only that, he is just plain fun to be around, he has a great sense of humor and is hardly EVER in a bad mood.  We get along very well and I am so blessed to have him as my best friend. 

He places his trust in God.  There is something very attractive about a man who is dependent on God and I am so grateful that his faith is both real and personal.

Lucky for me, as a bonus, he is also pretty darn cute!

Happy Father's Day to you sweetie!!! We are blessed to have you in our lives!

 

 
Trent with Hunter (taken 5.5 years ago)

 
Trent with Ashlyn (taken 3 years ago)

 
Trent with Sawyer (taken 13 months ago)

 
Trent with Quinten (taken last week Wednesday)

Our little man has arrived!

Quinten James Ledeboer is here!  He arrived on 6/16/09 at 11:58 PM PST.  We are over the moon in love with this little guy and indescribably giddy at having such a healthy baby to hold and love.  I will post more later on his birth for those of you who were not able to follow the LONG day yesterday via my facebook account but for now I wanted to let you know that he is here, he is healthy (7 pounds, 21 inches long!) and we are all doing great.  THANK YOU so very much for the many prayers that you guys have prayed not just yesterday but throughout my pregnancy.  We felt so much love and support yesterday it was amazing.  I wil leave you with a few photos and if you click here you can see more.

  

 

My ears are burning!

I am honored to have recently been featured in a full page article in Entro Magazine.  I wanted to share it with you here: http://www.mom4life.com/Entro-Press.pdf.  You can view the entire magazine online here: http://issuu.com/entromagazine/docs/entro_2009_052509f (page 27 is where you will find the page I am featured on).

One last day to dream

4. Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  5. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 8. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

This passage (particularly verse 5) was one that I memorized and repeated over and over last year between the time that I found out Sawyer had died and when I went into labor to deliver him.  It was a perfect verse for me because my default emotion was anything but peaceful so I kept repeating this verse like a mantra and calling out to God for peace amidst the storm.  Looking back at my labor, it was undoubtedly VERY difficult emotionally, but it was also (as the writer of Philippians says) filled with a peace that transcends all understanding.

Now just over a year later I again face labor and over the last several days have found myself going back to this same verse for guidance and a reminder that I do not need to carry my worry, but that I can (and should) instead give it over go God.  His exchange is to give his peace "which transcends all understanding. . . which will guard my heart and mind."  As I have mentioned in a previous blog post, God is amazing at offering great exchanges and this one is no exception.

My emotions have been all over the place the last few days.  There have been moments where I felt almost panicked knowing that the date of induction (June 16th) was still several days away and I felt so helpless to be able to make sure that my baby was (and would stay) safe.  Other moments, I have been brought to tears as I started to allow myself to daydream about "the moment" when I am able to hold our baby for the first time after he is born. 

The overarching reminder that I have had in the last several days is that God is in control and I am not.  Therefore, if I feel like things are out of my control, I am simply seeing things for the way they are.  I was reminded that trust needs to be total in order to be effective and authentic.  I can't be selective about how or when I trust God to take care of my needs.  I have thought a lot about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and their story in Daniel chapter 3.  Because they choose to follow God, their lives were on the line and they faced death in a fiery furnace.  When confronted by the King about their actions, they simply said, "Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn't serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."  Their statement of faith and trust says it all.  They recognized that the focus was not on the immediate outcome of their dire circumstances, but instead on their desire to let their lives be a reflection of their love for God, without compromise.  It wasn't about them, it was about God and their allegiance to Him.  Their actions inspire me.

This baby is a gift to us, given by God.  There is nothing we could do on our own to create life, to help it to develop and grow, to be born, it has been God all along.  Life is a gift.  It, like everything else, belongs to God.  I am amazingly blessed to simply have the opportunity to be a part of the process, to be entrusted with carrying this life.  For whatever length of time I am entrusted with this gift, I am incredibly grateful.

On the subject of being grateful, I had an amazing time with my good friend Sarah this weekend.  She flew out on Friday afternoon from California to visit (with her husband and young daughter) and flew home on Sunday morning.  On Friday evening we met with Christina G who is a very talented local photographer who let us use some of her wonderful props and gave us some great tips on where to shoot photos locally.  She also hung out with us and took some photos which she has posted on her blog.  Photos are really meaningful to me personally and I feel amazingly blessed, this last year I have been surrounded by some really great photographers.  Amy Waddington who took our family photos when Sawyer was born (such as the ones you see on the right side of my blog), Christina G and Sarah.  I want to thank each of these women for sharing your talent and creating tangible memories that our family will treasure for years. 

 

We really wanted there to be a lot of color in these photos, the more color the better, we wanted it to symbolize the joy that we feel about welcoming this baby into our family.

 

 

 

This photo below is really special to me.  It is our tribute to Sawyer.  The blanket has his first initial on it. The ring I am wearing is one that Trent gave me with Sawyer's birthstone in it and the necklace was a gift with Sawyer's name and birthdate on it.

Above, I mentioned a previous blog post that I wrote about God's great exchanges.  When I looked up this blog post I remembered that I had included a "self portrait" photo.  In the post I said,

"I took a self portrait while writing this post.  I want to share the face of a mother whose baby sits in a tiny urn.  I want you to know that even if the most sorrowful moments of "getting it" I still hold on to the gift of hope."

I look at the photo from that post and then I look at the photos that were just taken this weekend and can't help but feel amazed by the journey of this past year and GREATFUL for the gift of this new life within me.

I am not only thankful for this gift of new life for my husband and myself but for Hunter and Ashlyn.  It was really fun to watch both of them interact with Sarah's 10 month old daughter this weekend.  They adore babies and young children and are so great about wanting to help out and share their toys.  When I watch I grieve for them that they have not been able to have that opportunity with Sawyer.  However, I am so looking forward to watching them be finally able to enjoy a new brother in our home.  There has been a lot of baby talk around our house in the last few weeks and it has been really cute to see how much of their excitement crosses over into their play time.  All of Ashlyn's dolls have been giving birth lately and the kids even found a way to incorporate the topic of having a baby when they were wrestling around with Trent.  Here is a photo of Ashlyn taken several weeks ago as she was talking with the baby and in doing so discovered that the baby was hungry;).

The countdown is now really at a number that I like, just ONE more day.  I told myself that even though my tendency is to hold back on the daydreams and thoughts of holding a healthy living baby after he his born, the day before he is induced, I would do my best to just go ahead and feel free to dream.  So here is to one last day filled with dreams and praying that it will awake into a new day filled with life.

Also, I want to let you know how BLESSED I have been to have so many of you praying for us.  That is an amazing gift to offer our family and we can't thank you enough!!! 

Here is the "plan" for June 16th:

We have been told to call the hospital at 6:00AM PST and see if there is room for us to come in (they have 6 birthing rooms).  Provided there is room, we will call my mom and she will start watching the kids for us and Trent and I will go into town and check into the hospital.  From there we plan to post updates on my personal facebook page so as I mentioned before, if you have a facebook account, feel free to add me as a friend if you would like to be updated on the progress.  I can't wait! :)

Pillow Talk by Heather L.

I really don't expect to have a "good" night sleep at this stage of pregnancy but this last weekend I remembered that I have a pregnancy pillow in our inventory that I have never personally tried.  I quickly got one and tried it out on our living room floor.  It was late evening, the kids were in bed and Trent and I were getting ready to watch the movie "Mall Cop" (which actually was pretty funny).  After my first little trial run on the floor I was feeling pretty comfortable (which doesn't happen on the couch now days).  Getting pretty optimistic, I decided to stay right there on the floor for the whole movie!

That night and the next I used my new pillow friend to help me sleep and after having two nights with the Utterly Yours Pregnancy Pillow in my bed I am pretty excited to share that my nights have been much better!

This pillow looks like something I have never seen before in its square-like appearance but lets not be deceived by appearances or be too quick to judge (and no, that is not me in the photo below;). 

This little box opens up to reveal two triangle foam wedges that fit on either side of your body and are connected by a thin fabric which you lay on and that stretches as your body grows throughout your pregnancy.  The two different foam triangle sides are made of different densities.  The one for your back is firm and made of high density foam and the one for your stomach is much softer and made of memory foam-DELIGHTFUL!  I love how well supported my belly feels when I am using this pillow.  The only disadvantage that I can find is that if I want to switch sides I can't just turn over but I have to also flip the sides of the pillows around (since one is for your back and one is for your belly).  BUT I decided that the trade-off was totally worth it.

Because I have gotten used to sleeping with my body pillow and like the feeling of having something between my legs to take some pressure off my lower back and hips, I am now using my Utterly Yours Pregnancy Pillow to cradle my back/belly and my body pillow on the outside of the "belly pillow" (and I am taking up more than my share of the bed as you can imagine--thankfully Trent has not complained:).

I also do love that this pillow takes up so little room when you are not using it since it folds back up into a small square and is pretty darn cute.  Now if only I hadn't waited until I only had days to go until I delivered to try this thing out!!  Oh well. . . :).  I know that several of you are also pregnant so I am going to encourage you to consider trying this little baby out!  If you order one for yourself by this week Sunday (6/14) you will get 10% off.  I have *just* marked down the price!

Please note: This pillow does come in "sizes".  We only have the size medium in stock.  The medium size will work fine for anyone up to 210 pounds or if the measurement all they way around the largest part of your body (back to belly button) is more than 50".  If you are measuring too large for the medium size, you would need a large size pillow.  Please email us and we can see if we can't help get what you need.

Trying to wait patiently on the bench

Today I had blood drawn at the lab to test my liver, I hope to know the results on Monday.  I was itching like crazy last night and on and off today too so I am glad to have these blood tests taken.  I wish there wasn’t a weekend in here, it is a little unnerving to me to start itching again, it was much nicer to not have it at all. 

A friend emailed and asked me how am I feeling. . . good I think, but each time I feel the baby move I find myself thinking “oh GOOD he is still alive”.  In other words, getting closer to the due date doesn’t really seem to help much at this particular time, it just ups the feeling of being “so close” and not wanting to cross the finish line without having really met the goal.  I just want to fast forward it all to the part where I am holding him and watching his little chest rise and fall, watch the little spot on the top of his head pulse with his heart rate and look into open eyes staring back and me.  Then I feel bad that I am not taking the time to really, fully enjoy the process of the pregnancy.  I will admit, I am the little kid that is practiced out and just wants the coach to send me in the game and give me a chance to prove my stuff out on the field.  "Pick me, pick me!"

Then I close my eyes and imagine what God himself might say after reading my blog.  I think he might say:

Patience my child, I hold all the universe in the palm of my hand, I hold you, I hold your baby, I hold your worries, your fears, your concerns, your joys your goals.  I know them all.  I care about them all.  I will not let you go.  Don't forget about me when your world seems shaky.  Don't stop calling out to me when you are feeling scared.  Don't shut me out when you are wanting to hide from your fears.  Come to me, I am always waiting here for you.

Packing my bags. . . at least mentally:)

I am now 35 weeks and 1 day:).  I had my dr. appt today and all is looking very good.  I am 2 cm dilated, his head is down and my cervix is soft.  I have been feeling regular movements and it is common for me to have Braxton Hixs contractions.  I will do one more round of blood tests this Friday to check and make sure my liver is doing well (to rule out any chances of ICP).  I haven't been itchy at all in many weeks (praise God) so I expect that the tests for that will come back fine.  Provided all looks good with the blood tests and my appt next week Wednesday I am scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks (June 16th).

It feels so surreal to me to be at the stage where I can think about packing a bag to go to the hospital!  Perhaps NASA astronauts feel this way before they leave earth.  All that training, planning, learning, about to be put into ACTUAL practice.  They might really let me fly this spaceship worth billions of dollars into outer space?!  For me to be almost full circle, back at the end of a pregnancy is strange.  I can't help but think back most strongly on my pregnancy with Sawyer rather than with Hunter and Ashlyn.  I remember feeling "home free" being so close to my due date (I was days away from 37 weeks when we found out he had died).  Having those thoughts of "if I went into labor now, they wouldn't even try to stop it:)!"  Then later, after he died, feeling so numb and lost and then remembering that birth still was pending, I couldn't simply opt out of labor, it seemed so cruel and unfair.

There are many thoughts and feelings running through our minds this time around.  So much excitement, so much hope, so much anticipation.  So many memories and emotions tied into what happened "last time", so many realities that you are never "home free".

When strangers ask me when I am due and I tell them I have two weeks to go they get a big smile on their faces and comment about how close I am.  In some ways I feel like I am close too but in other ways it still feels way too far off.  I will smile and comment that we are "very excited" but inside I am thinking how much more appropriate it would be for me to grab and shake them back and forth while exclaiming in a loud voice "You have no idea and we cannot find the right words to express what this baby means to us, we can't wait for him to be born, ALIVE, it will be amazing!"

I remember the first maternity shirt that I purchased this pregnancy many weeks back.  For me it was a significant milestone.  It was the first tangible investment in this pregnancy.  The first time I was willing to hope enough to plan ahead.  More purchases have followed that initial maternity shirt but there is still a hesitancy present. 

I was recently asked if I am "ready" for the baby to come, if I have everything in place.  My answer was yes and no.  Here is an example of being ready: We have purchased a car seat (as we returned the one we had bought for Sawyer) and it is coming in the mail.  This is one of those things you just HAVE to buy, no real choice.  Here is an example of not being ready: We decided to get an Amby Baby Bed as I had heard so many lovely things about them.  I found the bassinet part on Craig's List locally, however we had to purchase the frame on-line.  The frame is sitting in my closet, box unopened.  I haven't wanted to set it up because I hate the idea of having to pack it away if something goes wrong.  We had a bassinet for Sawyer that sat staring at us in the days following his death and I just don't want to do that again.  It is difficult to know how to balance optimism and reality.

My hospital bag is getting packed mentally but I haven't done it physically.  Here are some of the things waiting to be put in it (although I think my list may still need a few items added as I remember them):

-I have had my eye on The Peanut Shell® Hospital Delivery Gowns by Goo-ga for a while and since I won't get a home birth this time around I liked the idea of "jazzing it up" a bit in the delivery room:).

-Not only do I love butterflies, but I love the Bravado Original Nursing Bra so it is a win-win!

-No dry lips for me, gotta pack some Mom 4 Life Peppermint Lip Balm

-The Glamourmom® Nursing Long Tank is a staple I love (the brown is my fav).

-I can't sleep without my The Bosom Baby Pillow by Luna Lullaby.

-The Nursing Bracelet Feeding Log by Unique Mums is perfect for keeping track when I last fed so I can let the nurses know.

-my pink slippers

AND we plan to bring my cell phone so we can update the process of the delivery on my personal facebook account so feel free to add me as a friend if you want updates when the time comes!

I plan to keep my placenta (hee hee) and want to make a "tree painting" with it.  What? You haven't heard of that?!!?  Oh yes that is just one of many interesting things you can do with placentas, check out some more interesting placenta options here.  I had really wanted to do a tree painting with Sawyer's placenta but because we ended up sending it in for testing it wasn't really an option to get too creative with it first!

My homework for the next two weeks is to watch the Dunstan Baby Language DVD Set so I can learn the main baby cries and what they mean:).

more devious dishes. . .

Ok this is just too much fun, I feel so devious (insert evil laugh here)!

Today I served up a "kiwi shake" (filled with green goodness) to my kids and their reply was "Yummy"!  The "kiwi shake" is my name for the shake found here (scroll down just a tad) called a "slimer smoothie".  The only ingredients that I knew Hunter liked out of this smoothie was the Kiwi and Banana and knowing the shake would be green, I figured if I called it kiwi shake he might not think too hard about the fact that he typically isn't into green food;).

Slimer Smoothie (AKA Kiwi Shake)
Serves 3-4
Your kids may have no idea who Slimer from “The Ghostbusters” is. Feel free to change the name to some green character that they will think is cool…the “Incredible Hulk”, maybe?
• 1 cup kale, chopped and lightly steamed to release nutrients

• 1 banana, frozen and cut into chunks (I ended up using 2)
• 1 ripe avocado, peel and pit removed
• 3 ripe kiwis, peeled
• ½ cup coconut milk
• Ice cubes, as desired for temperature and consistency
• Almond, rice milk, or water for desired consistency (I didn't end up using any)

Add first 5 ingredients to Vita-mix or blender and blend well.

Slowly blend in milk or water until you get the consistency you like. Add a couple ice cubes if you want it to be colder (though I don’t recommend drinking very cold beverages, as they are more difficult for your body to digest). Without the ice cubes and milk, pour into popsicle molds and freeze for a healthy mid-afternoon snack.

 

Personally, I thought it was pretty good but not amazingly great.  Knowing that it was good for me was enough to fully enjoy it.  I will make it again.  Next time, I will try it with regular milk to compare how that tastes vs. the coconut milk and see which I like better.  I love that it has kale and avocado in it which are both things that I wouldn't easily get the kids to eat on their own.  I will also try it as a Popsicle next time and see what they think of that version. 

Have fun with it and let me know what you think!

Thanks to Mom 4 Life, Dia for sharing this with me online!

more sneaky stuff. . .

I tried two other Sneaky Chef recipes this week and wanted to share the results with you.

The first was "Packed Pizza Bagels".  I used whole wheat bagels and mixed Spaghetti Sauce, a few Tablespoons of "orange puree" and about 6 Tablespoons of "white bean puree" (see previous post for puree info) together and spread them over the bagels.  Then I added cheese and cooked until bubbly in my toaster oven.

 

This is how they looked after they came out of the oven.

 

Hunter has an interesting preference in how he likes to eat his pizza.  He prefers to eat it in layers (cheese first, then sauce and then if he is still hungry, the bread).  I asked him to try this kind of pizza all together "the regular way" first and then if he liked it he could eat the second half his way.  The first half he liked, the second half he didn't.  I am not sure if it was the taste of the sauce or just the fact that this was being called "pizza" and it tasted different from his thoughts of pizza.  Oh well. . . I finished off what he didn't eat and thought it was just fine;).

 

Today for lunch we tried "covert quesadillas".  I spread out the "white bean puree" on the inside of the tortillas and then added the cheese and cooked as normal in the skillet until warm.  My kids like it when I make pictures out of their lunch so this was an attempt at a volcano using carrots, bananas, raisins and of course the quesadillas.  Again, I instructed Hunter to eat it "whole" and not layer by layer and both kids liked them.  I tried one too and thought it was actually better this way!

 

Now if only we could graduate them to start eating my salad for lunch. . .

 

Do you guys have any sneaky tips to share?  I got what looks like it will be a great recipe from one of you this week for Popsicles using squash and as soon as they are done freezing in the freezer and we have a chance to sample them I will share!

Mom 4 Life, Dia shared a link with me that has some great recipes for kids too that you might also enjoy--Thanks Dia!

Sneaky Mac & Cheese

Sneaky Chef Heather reporting in from lunch duty:)!  Today I served up boxed macaroni and cheese and added in about 3 T of the "orange puree" mentioned in my previous post as well as about 2-3 teaspoons of wheat germ.  I could have instead added in the White Puree or the White Bean Puree but decided to start with this one as the cheese color was already "orange" and the orange puree is sweet tasting.

When I served it to the kids, Hunter said, "oh a NEW kind!" I have no idea why he said that as I had made it while they were out of the room and I put away the "evidence" before I served them up, so he didn't see me add anything.  Maybe the color was a little more orange than he was used to.  I took a photo of their reactions when they ate it LOL.  They both said, "YUUUUMMMM!" so I guess this one is a keeper;). 

The clear placemats that you see under their bowls are called "Piggy Platters" and we use these EVERYDAY, I love them.  They are easy to carry to the sink and wash off after meals and we love using them for crafts.  You can put white paper under them (to allow the marker to show better) and write on them with dry erase markers. . . you can practice handwriting on them . . . the slightly raised edge keeps crayons and markers from rolling off onto the floor. . . they are great!

 

After lunch Ashlyn wanted to play "prince and princess" so they did:).

 

Just call me "the sneaky chef"!

I have had the cookbook, "The Sneaky Chef" by Missy Chase Lapine for about a year now (maybe more) and had yet to use it.  For those of you who haven't heard of this book, it has "simple strategies for hiding healthy foods in kids' favorite meals".  Today I decided to bring a few cookbooks with me on our drive to church.  I grabbed this one and got inspired to start implementing the ideas and recipes in it right away! 

Around our house we have no problem eating a lot of fruit each day but veggies are another story.  I personally LOVE salads piled high with veggies, but so far the kids are not quite there.  Both Hunter and Ashlyn like raw carrots and corn on the cob and Ashlyn LOVES edemamae beans (although I am hesitant to have her eat these too often due to the estrogen found in soy products) but that is about the limit.  Green veggies are a huge turn off to Hunter especially.  I want to get more veggies and protein in their diet and am excited to give this book a try.

Tonight I started with 3 of the 13 "make ahead" recipes.  I made 3 purees that you can cook ahead of time (and freeze for later if you like) to add into your recipes.  As the book says, the recipes in this cookbook are "kids' favorite meals".  With these three purees, I am now set to jazz up Mac & Cheese, Cheese Sandwiches, Pizza Bagels, Lasagna, Quesadillas, Chocolate Chip Cookies and many more.  Below are the ingredients for the three purees shown in the photo.  I plan to use these in several of the recipes mentioned above this week and will make a goal to report back what we think of them just in case you decide to turn into a sneaky chef with me! 

Orange Puree:
1 med sweet potato or yam, peeled and rough chopped
3 med to large carrots, peeled and sliced into thick chunks
3-4 T water
-Cook the yam & carrots in boiling water for about 20 min until very tender (you don't want any chunks--that might be a giveaway).  Drain and put in the food processor (I used my blender) with a little water (I used the water they boiled in as this has lots of vitamins in it).  Blend or process until very smooth.  This can store for up to 3 days in the fridge or freeze for later.

White Puree:
2 cups cauliflower, cut into florets
2 small to medium zucchini, peeled and roughly chopped
1 t. fresh lemon juice
3-4 T water if needed
-Steam cauliflower in veg steamer over 2 inches of water (covered) for about 10-12 min until very tender.  Peel and chop your zucchini and put in your processor or blender with the lemon juice and start blending.  Drain the cooked cauliflower and add to the zucchini with 2 T water.  Puree on high until smooth.  This can store for up to 3 days in the fridge or freeze for later.

White Bean Puree:
1 15 oz. can white beans (great norther, navy, butter or cannellini) or if you are starting with dry beans, soak overnight and cook as directed).
2-3 T water
-Rinse and train the beans and put in your blender or food processor.  Puree with 2 T of water until smooth.  The goal is to get it smooth but not wet (think peanut better consistency).  At a little more water if needed until no flecks of whole beans are visible. This can store for up to 3 days in the fridge or freeze for later

Pregnancy side notes: I can't seem to go anywhere now without being asked "When are you due?"  I decided that it was too confusing to explain that I am "due" July 7th but am going to be induced about three weeks early, so I now am answering "next month!".  Just about everyone answers back with "yes you look like you are getting close".  I am glad that they can see that as I am feeling it:).

I am now 2 days away from 33 weeks in my pregnancy:)!  This "maternity tank top" is not quite long enough so I have layered with a blush undershirt (I LOVE these things--I have at least 8 of them in different colors and wear them all the time, even when I am not pregnant).  When I sit down for a while I can really tell that this little guy is pushing against my lungs as it gets sort of hard to REALLY breathe.  Sleeping is getting more difficult.  My FAVORITE Bosom body pillow helps a lot but still, the comfortable positions are eluding me more now.  Let me clarify that these are not complaints, I am thrilled to be "here" but if you were to ask me how I am feeling, this would be my answer;). 

I can tell that he is getting bigger too as his movements are not as tumble-bumble and frequent as before.  This has been a little difficult personally/emotionally at times and I have had a few moments of prayer here and there asking for peace and trust and for MOVEMENT:)!  Thankfully a nice kick usually follows not too much later.  My next appointment is this week and we will be picking out the date of delivery (whoo-hoo)!!  My guess is that it will be sometime around June 16th but I will keep you posted.

calming the storm

I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and emails remembering Sawyer's birthday with us.  Several of you sent me an email today and I want you to know how much it means to me that you are remembering this day with us.

I am going to keep this brief because Trent and I are going to enjoy a movie together tonight and if I get going writing I won't be able to stop. 

last night as I went to bed I was thinking about the post that I had just put up talking about being out on the water with an approaching storm.  It reminded me of the time that Jesus was with his disciples in a boat and a fierce storm came up (Matthew 8:24-27).  The disciples called out to Jesus for help, waking him up from his sleep.  Jesus spoke and the storm was calm.  I was reminded that a part of my vision was inaccurate.  In the boat I pictured myself alone, but I am never alone.  When the storm came, I forgot that all I needed to do was call out for help.  Last night as I turned to read about that story in the Bible, I pictured things differently.  My God will never leave me nor will he forsake me.  I am not alone.  The storm is not going to come without Him by my side and if I call out to Him, He has the power to calm the storm.  Today my storm was calmed.  It was a day of many memories but it was not bitter.  It was a day of enjoying our family and spending time together.  It was a day of noticing every little movement that this baby is making and being so very, very grateful that as I look back and remember this day one year ago, I had no movements to celebrate.

Thank you Jesus for calming my storm.

For more photos from our day click here.
 

the approaching storm

I have a vision in my mind.  Perhaps it is a vague memory of a childhood experience or perhaps it is simply an assimilation of memories.  In this vision, I am out on the water in a small boat, perhaps a canoe, and it is very quiet and calm.  The sky is darkening and a slight breeze picks up, rustling the grasses around the small pond.  Slowly I become aware of a moistening in the air and as I gaze over the water I can see at the edge of the pond a disturbance in the water--rain.   The calm surface begins to transform as the rain approaches.  I watch the rain advance on the water, coming toward me churning the water in an undeniable procession.  It is apparent that soon I will be overtaken; there is simply no escaping the downpour.  As the edge of the storm reaches my boat I begin to feel the raindrops, sporadic at first, then more consistent until soon I can barely distinguish one drop from another as the rain takes over the landscape of which I am apart.

This last week has been a little like that scene.  As Sunday draws near I begin to feel the approaching, unavoidable storm.  The 5th of May was the day we found out Sawyer had died and I have been amazed by how many days have passed between that day and when we delivered him—5 days later.  At the time, I think we were in so much of a daze that the passage of time was not so apparent.  I remember that we were told we could induce labor at anytime or wait for my body to go into labor on its own.   We chose to wait to induce labor in order to allow for blood work to be done and for family to drive in from out of town.  I remember not wanting to go out in public for fear that someone would see my belly and give me one of those knowing smiles—the kind you only get when you are pregnant.  I remember having a dreaded expectation of labor and a mix of both wanting to be done with it and yet not wanting to be separated from my son, knowing the separation would be a long term arrangement.  I remember many things but didn’t remember how far the 5th from the 10th actually was.

Most of this week I have found myself feeling thankful that a year has passed, thankful that I am here at this stage of the journey and not simply beginning it.  While I can appreciate the passage of time, I can’t deny the pain.  The other day Trent asked me what I would make Mother’s Day special.  I found myself at a loss for what to say.  What do you do to celebrate a life, to remember a child?  Somehow nothing seems adequate.  Knowing that we would be away from home for a week long family vacation over the 10th I decided on picking up a “birthday” cake from Coldstone (I love ice cream cakes and am pretty sure that Sawyer would have too:).  Yesterday we stopped in route to our vacation spot to pick up the cake.  As I walked in the creamery and approached the cooler filled with cakes, I felt the raindrops fall, I don’t want this to be me.  I don’t want to be the mom that is buying a cake for a child that will never enjoy it.  I don’t want to choose the flavor, alone.   But rain doesn’t discriminate; it will cover anything in its path.

Post note: As I mentioned above, 0ur family is on vaction this week together on the coast of WA.  After I wrote this, we pulled into the vacation area where we are staying this week and our car crossed over a bridge (the view from it is shown above).  My eyes rested on a group of canoes sitting on the edge of the shore and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony.  We took a trip together as a family today.

 

Re-focus: future

It is May 4th, 1 day before the day I found out that Sawyer had died, one year ago. 1 day before my world changed.  Before I was touched with the reality of the unpredictable effect of sin and Satan's far reaching grasp on this world.  Before I was forced to reach out and desperately hang on to the promises in God's word of comfort and support that have been passed on and proven through generations.  Before I started seeing the world through new eyes--eyes that could look deeper into the grief of others than I ever could before.  Before I had to learn how to live with a deep scar on my heart.

As the one year anniversary of Sawyers birth approaches (on the 10th), I find myself amazed by the growth of other children who were born around his birthday.  These children are crawling, learning to walk, babbling in the cutest way, trying out their first words. . . Somewhere along the way my mental picture of Sawyer has gotten lost.  I no longer know how to imagine him: as an infant, as a baby, as a crawling--trying to pull himself up on the couch--little boy?  Time has a way of freezing history in our minds.  It is difficult for me to imagine our infant son as a one year old, I never saw him that way. 

There are many mysteries in the Bible, things that are simply not explained.  I can be ok with the fact that I serve a God that is not able to be fully understood, in fact that makes him more worthy of my awe.  However, I can't help but wonder about heaven: Do people age like they do on Earth?  Is Sawyer growing physically?  When I see him, will he be young, old, will I know the difference?  Will his Heavenly body reflect much of his Earthy body? 

Today I have also been thinking about Jesus.  Here is someone that I have never met in person but long to meet in Heaven as well.  I have been thinking about his time on earth and particularly his profession as a carpenter.  I am intensely drawn to the image of his hands.  He worked with wood and tools day after day--they must have been strong and rough.  I am intrigued by the thought of his personality--I would guess that he had an amazing attention to detail mixed with great creativity.  I am in awe of his talent--he could take a chunk of wood and craft something of value with nothing more than his skill and desire.  There is something about this mix of mental thoughts that is incredibly beautiful to me.  This creative craftsman who spent countless hours in his workshop is the same man who continues to craft something beautiful in the lives of any who let him.  This is the same carpenter who willingly withstood the most brutal form of death that could be attempted.  The fact that he was hanging on a WOODEN cross as he died only seems to me, to further insult this carpenter.  After he defeated death and appeared to his disciples, we are told that his hands still bore the scars of the cross (Luke 24:38-40).

Today, instead of focusing on what I don't have, I want to focus on what I have waiting for me.  Just thinking about being welcomed to heaven by Jesus himself, imagining putting my face in his strong, nail-pierced hands and then burring myself in his warm, comforting arms is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes.  Then, picturing him saying to me, "Heather, there is someone that I have been waiting to introduce you to. . . " and turning to Sawyer and looking at him for the first time, whole, healthy, bright eyed and strong.  Well. . . quite honestly, I am unable to type the words without tears pouring doing my face.

I don't know what Sawyer looks like right now or how old he is but I don't need to figure that out now.  Trusting in God is a package deal sort of thing.  I either do it or I don't.  I choose to trust and that means that I don't need to figure out the little details or solve all the mysteries.  Chances are, I have around 70 years tops to enjoy the difficult portion of life--after that, I am home-free.  For the rest of FOREVER I don't have to cry one more tear, I don't have to suffer one more heartache or feel one more day of pain.  Looking at it that way, odds are totally in my favor, the future looks really good.

A snowy spring

I LOVE spring.  This year "spring" weather has been a little strange and unpredictable.  Just recently we had beautiful 70 degree weather--I was digging out the sunscreen and sun hats and sitting out on the patio wearing a tank top while the kids played outside in the backyard.  Then a day or so later . . . snow!  Not just any snow either, hard snow, lots of snow. . . then, it melted away and we had more nice weather.  Then, snow!  Just a few days ago we had our most recent little "snow storm" and each time it happens I think "well this is certainly the last of the snow!"

This is perhaps a little bit reflective of my thought pattern lately as I anticipate Sawyer's anniversary while also anticipating the arrival of our new baby.  It is very strange to have two events happening in our lives that are so vastly different in emotional content.  Last night as I lay in bed feeling the turning and kicking going on within my belly I was practically giddy with excitement thinking about how amazing it will feel to hold this baby in our arms. 

40 weeks is long enough to ask ANY woman to wait for a baby, but to think that I have been waiting to hold a living baby in my arms since October 2007 (when we first found out we were pregnant with Sawyer) and through (so far) 66 weeks of back-to-back pregnancies . . . well it is a long wait.  At my last appointment my dr. said that there is a good chance that we will induce delivery at 37 weeks this time around.  He said that there are some risks in inducing early but given my history (and the fact that we never were able to find out the reason Sawyer died) he felt it was the best option.  I am thrilled with that game plan in all honestly, better early and alive I say.  So if that holds true then that moved up my countdown nicely and as I am 29 weeks currently, I have about 8 weeks to go!

Last year Sawyer was born on May 10th, the day before Mother's day.  This year May 10th will be on Mother's day.  I really have no words right now to express how I feel about this day coming up.  I think in a lot of ways I hit a point a few months ago when I sort of felt as though I had reached a place in my journey of loss in which I was ready to focus on living and not on grieving, on having hope rather than focusing on our loss.  It slowly became easier to have days that were not ruled by pain and it was if I slowly moved from the cold winter into thawing warmth of spring.  As time goes on I become more used to this adjustment and spring weather but then, unexpectedly the snow comes and comes hard.  I still have times where I am curled up in a ball on the floor crying, questioning what season I am in--thinking that I had moved into spring and asking why it looks like winter??!  Then, slowly, the sun will come out again and the snow is gone. 

I can't express enough how thankful I am for this baby that I am carrying.  To have the joy of new life and the hope of enjoying it past delivery is beyond words.  At the same time, when the snow comes, it doesn't matter that I am pregnant, that I have an amazing husband, that we have 2 beautiful living children, that we are healthy, that we have a home, that we have more blessings than we can count.  In that moment, the fact that the calender says "spring" does nothing to shield the bitter cold.  But. . . snow can be beautiful and I have learned to see beauty in what some would only see as bitterness.  And I have found that when you have just endured an extreme winter, the spring is appreciated far more intensely then ever before so here's to spring. . .

 

An update: The post above was written last night.  The photos below were taken this morning;).  Ashlyn is wearing her BabyLegs to cover up her bare legs from her capri's and a Zooni hat (they are so cute).  Maybe THIS will be the last snow. . .

 

Doing the Potty Dance

This week was a pretty exciting one for us.  Ashlyn (who turned 3 in January) is now an official "big girl" and is using the potty like a pro.  We are so very proud of her.  The exact "winning" method of potty training for her was a mix of things (and WAY easier than it was for our son who was not potty trained until 4 years old).  We bought her some pretty princess panties and talked about how we didn't want to get the princesses wet:).  We put her panites on and some BabyLegs which kept her warm but made it easy for her to only have to take off one layer (her panties) to go potty. She watched a potty movie while sitting on her potty chair. . . The Potty Watch was also a big help.  We set it to 'sing' every 30 min. and it helped remind us that she needed to "try".  Ashlyn got very excited whenever it started to play its song and would say, "Yeah, it is time to go potty!"  We soon discovered that the problem was that she would prefer to only sit down on the potty for a few moments and then she was ready to be done.  So we started reading a book or singing a song before she could get up.  She LOVES princess songs and so I often ended up being "Sleeping Beauty" and signing "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream. . .".  We rewarded her with one piece of candy for trying.  At first all we had in the house was peanut M&M's and I soon realized that our girl was very happy to "try" to go to get candy and perhaps she was going to have a little too much sugar in her system than ideal.  So we bought some "nerd candy" which is MUCH smaller.  It was It took a day or two to have the timing right.  Finally she was sitting on her portable potty in the kitchen eating a snack when she had her first successful "pee".  After that she had another successful attempt when reading a book.  I think once she got the idea of what the feeling of needing to go the bathroom was she was set.  It makes sense too because in a diaper they never have to pay attention to that feeling and just go without thinking about it.  She needed to figure out what that feeling meant.  She is now rewarded with a successful pee with 2 "big candies AKA Peanut M&M's" and 3 candies for a poop.  In the last two days she hasn't had any accidents.  We do have her wear a diaper or pull up for naps and at night.  We are so excited at the idea of having a break from diapers for at least a few months until our next baby is born:).  At that point we will be totally excited to deal with newborn diapers again at long last!!

So our little princess, we applaud you, well done girl, well done! 

As a side note, our diaper sprayer is super handy for cleaning poop out of the little potty into the big potty.
  

Ashlyn shown sitting on her potty reading a book and wearing her Potty Watch.

books and babies: 2 videos to share

I am working on editing a video to burn to a DVD for my grandmother's birthday.  In the process, I came across two videos that I thought would be fun to share with you. 

Hunter's story time:
The first video is from last month.  Hunter is (I feel) a really good reader for 5 years old.  However, he doesn't often choose to read books out loud to us.  Recently, I discovered that he did feel comfortable reading to Ashlyn.  So we started encouraging Hunter to be the one to read Ashlyn a story before her nap each day.  The video shows him reading to her.  This is the first time he had read or heard this story (it was a new library book).  I thought it was funny to see how Ashlyn saw a "princess" on one of the pages and kept trying to point it out to Hunter while he read and then to see Hunters response to her:).  Please excuse the fact that I had to set down the camera on the floor for part of the video--the doorbell rang and I had to answer it but didn't want to stop recording.

Baby announcement:
The second video is from October 29th, 2008.  This is the day that we told the kids we were going to have another baby.  I think it so so sweet to see their response:).  And LOL, I see in the video that poor Ashlyn apparently didn't get her hair brushed that day;).

Play dough, Snowcakes and 24 weeks

This afternoon I made play dough for the kids.  i wanted to share the recipe with you as it is a pretty good one.

1 C Flour
1/2 C Salt
2 tsp. cream of tartar
1 Tbsp. oil
1 C Water
1 pkg. Kool Aid (optional)

Mix all ingredients in a saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring until thick.  Store in sealable plastic bags or sealable container.  You may wish to keep it refrigerated.  *I opted to mix in some lavender oil to add a nice scent.

 

A few days ago I made pancakes for breakfast.  Hunter often likes to have a different topping on each one.  Suddenly, he says he needs to take his pancake out on the deck. 
"Why?" I ask 
"Because I want to have this one with snow on it" he answers

Later I ask how it tasted.
"Not very good" he replied

 

I am now 24 weeks along in my pregnancy (the age of viability YEAH!!!!!!!!).  It seems to be going very well.  I haven't been very itchy at all lately, which is super.  My last round of liver blood tests were even better than the first as far as the numbers.  He moves a lot, which is also great!  I am not sure if he is just extra active or if it is that Sawyer was really not very active but either way, I am thankful for the movement.  Tonight, as I read to Hunter before bed he had his hand on my belly feeling the kicks.  I asked him if he thought that would feel weird to have something moving in his tummy like that.  He said, "ya, maybe it would be a banana baby."  I have no idea what that meant:).

My ice cream prayer

it is almost midnight and I was almost all set to start heading to bed.  Then I remembered.  I had a brand new 1.5 quart of Breyer's Ice Cream sitting in my freezer-Mint Chocolate Chip.  I decided it really was irresponsible of me to go to bed without making sure it was a good batch. . . well it is good all right.  So good, that I found myself sitting on the couch with the sound of my husband breathing deeply in his sleep as the only accompaniment to the occasional crunch, crunch of my teeth as they found chunks of Chocolate Chip.  I wasn't ready to put back my ice cream just yet so I decided to have some prayer time while I ate. . . it took me about 46 seconds before I was talking to God about my ice cream.  Here is a little glimpse at my prayer:

"God thank you for my family, for my children and my husband.  Please give us wisdom as parents (mind jump) . . . Wow I have so many friends that need prayer right now, I feel overwhelmed at how many people need you (mind jump) . . . Wow, this ice cream really is good and ALL NATURAL!  See God, why am I surprised at that?!  You created everything good right?  Why wouldn't food like this taste amazing?!  You are amazing!  If my ice cream can taste this good and it is only a microscopic reflection of your creation, how PHENOMENAL you must be, I don't even know the half of it I am sure!  My angle of vision feels so limited at times and I hate that I rely so much on what I can see and touch and taste to tell me what is real and how much it matters.  YOU are the MOST important part of my life but you are so darn amazing that when everything else in my life demands my attention you are a patient, ever-present support just ready and waiting.  I love you.  Thank you for loving me just because you choose to, not because I have done anything to earn it.  And thank you for my ice cream:).  Amen"

Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the LORD is good. Blessed is the person who takes refuge in him."

How to make homemade yogurt

For Christmas this last year I asked for a yogurt maker.  I did a bit of research on Amazon to choose which kind of yogurt maker I wanted to buy and decided on the yolife (model YL-210) version.  There are many styles out there and you can even make yogurt without a "maker" but I have been pleased with this brand.  One of the things I liked about this particular brand was that the jars that are included are made of glass (instead of plastic) and that it comes with two different sized covers (so I can make larger batches in my canning jars).  I like knowing exactly what is in it (I really don't like the taste of the artificial sweeteners, nor do I like the potential side effects) and making it myself gives me the assurance of exactly what is in it and that it has a high level of healthy bacteria.  Making homemade yogurt is really pretty easy, here is how I do it:

1. Start with 1 quart of milk (or soymilk).

 

2. Heat milk or on low heat while stirring. Turn off heat before milk reaches boiling point (at about 176˚F-185˚F).  I use my food thermometer to help me know how hot it is.

 

3. Let milk cool until it is lukewarm (about 105˚F).

4. Activate a small amount of milk by thoroughly mixing in recommended amount of yogurt starter (see your yogurt starter package for details) to a small amount of milk until all of the powder is evenly dissolved (I forgot to do that this time around and just mixed it in with all the milk and it happened to work just fine)!

 

5. Mix in the activated milk into the rest of your milk and stir thoroughly (as I said before, I missed this step this time around).

 

6. Pour the mixture into individual glass jars or pour mixture into a larger container (up to 80 oz).  Do not put a lid on the yogurt containers.

 

7. Place the yogurt container(s) inside Yolife and attach the appropriate cover.  Plug in Yolife and set the time indicator (on the top of the lid) to the time you started making your yogurt.

 

8. Your yogurt should be ready in 8-12 hours if using the small jars (as I am in the photo above), or 12-15 hours if using a larger container from home. Remove when a firm curd is formed.

9. If you want to add sweetener or fruit, now is a good time to do it (or there are ways to do it before you make the yogurt, I just haven't tried these methods yet).  I like using agave nectar (rather than honey because it mixes into cold food well), fruit (often my canned peaches or a mashed up banana) or jam to sweeten mine unless I am adding it to a smoothie and then I just use plain.

We are having a . . .

Last week Friday we had our BIG ultrasound.  I was 21 weeks along.  It went great, our little guy is SO active (I LOVE it)!  We got some cute photos of him too, I will show him off below:

 

look at that adorable profile!

 

 

look at the cute foot!

The Dr. said everything looked great and he is right on schedule for growth.  We took another round of blood tests to check on my liver to be sure that my itchiness isn't something to be concerned about.  Lately, my itchiness comes and goes.  It is something that I have had with all my pregnancies so far.  It is also a question in my mind if it was an issue with Sawyer's death (ICP is a liver issue that can be a big concern in pregnancy) so I am glad we are watching it closely. And to clarify, we never were able to find out the exact cause of Sawyer's death.  The plan is to have these blood tests done periodically to monitor some specific levels in my liver to make sure that they all within normal limits and not getting too high.  We did a 24 hour urine test two weeks ago and this same round of blood work that both turned out fine.  I should get the results to this most recent blood work sometime this week and then we can compare with the last set of tests.

As far as finding out that we are having a boy after loosing Sawyer:

Prior to knowing the gender, I was totally ok with either a boy or a girl and really didn't have a preference.  I trusted that God knew what was best for our family.  But now that I know it is a boy, I am so very, very excited about that.  I love that we can look forward to another son and another brother for our kids.  In a small part of the grand scheme of things it feels like one little part of the previous "plan" hasn't been totally broken.  Of course this baby doesn't and couldn't take Sawyer's place, but I believe that God will allow him to help heal some of the hurt created by Sawyer's absence.

Ahhh and there he goes kicking again the active little guy;). . .

Remembered

There is something incredibly touching about being remembered, something that draws us to want to leave our mark in the world.  I think of all the times I have seen names carved out or written on rocks at rest stops or on picnic benches.  I remember when my husband and I first carved out our initials on a tree.  We as humans want to be known AND we want to be remembered.  I think this desire is placed in us by the same God who wants to be known and remembered by us.  Though or time here may be brief, we were created with a lifespan that far exceeds or time on this earth.

 

This photo was taken on the shores of Western Australia by a family that lost their own son, Christian Dudley, before birth.  Later, this family started a unique ministry called To Write Their Names In The Sand.  In their own words, "To Write Their Names In The Sand is a place of remembrance. It is our hope that we can bring rays of hope and light back into bereaved family and friends lives. To watch the sunset and be a witness to Christian's legacy please visit here." 

Since they began this ministry, this couple has since taken requests for over 3,225 names to be written in the sand of the seashore that is just minutes from their home.  Recently Sawyer's name was added to the sand on the shores of Australia--one of two continents that I have not personally visited (the other being Antarctica;).  You can see it on their website here.  I think it turned out  beautiful and feel that it is fitting that his name was captured in the setting sun, just as his time with us quickly faded.  I can't help thinking about the brief time that his name remained in the sand after this photo was captured.  I am sure that the tide quickly swept it away.  It is the same with all of us.  Our lives are short, but they need not be without meaning or impact.  I believe that we cannot know the full meaning or impact that our lives are capable of, without also knowing the God who created us.

The photo below was taken by Emily, who lives in Hawaii and had a stillborn son, Gabriel in 2002 (incidentally also on May 10th).  Emily says this on her website, "For his angelversary my sister wrote his name in the sand at a beach close to her home on the Windward Shore of Hawaii. It is a special beach set aside as a ‘quiet place of reflection’. I love how the photo turned out- and it seems so suitable to me that it is not a permanent thing, but rather, just like Gabriel, it is here for just a minute and then gone. But for a brief moment, the world is a little different because of him.
"  You can see her website here.  Thank you to both Christian and Gabriel's families for creating beautiful memories for families who have lost a child.

 

*

14 for [God] knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.

 15 As for man, his days are like grass,
       he flourishes like a flower of the field;

 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
       and its place remembers it no more.  Psalm 103:14-16

*

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
       all the days of my life,
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
       forever.  Psalm 23: 5-6

*

17 May his name endure forever;
       may it continue as long as the sun.
       All nations will be blessed through him,
       and they will call him blessed.

 18 Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel,
       who alone does marvelous deeds.  Psalm 72: 17-18

*

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
       And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-27

*

1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever;
       with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. 

 2 I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
       that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.  Psalm 89:1-2

*

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
       and his courts with praise;
       give thanks to him and praise his name.

 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
       his faithfulness continues through all generations.  Psalm 100:4-5

*

5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
       who conducts his affairs with justice.

 6 Surely he will never be shaken;
       a righteous man will be remembered forever.

 7 He will have no fear of bad news;
       his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  Psalm 112:5-7

*

1 Praise the LORD, all you nations;
       extol him, all you peoples.

 2 For great is his love toward us,
       and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.
       Praise the LORD.  Psalm 117

An interesting milestone

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant!  As those of you who have ever lost a baby may know, 20 weeks is the tipping point at which losing a baby is officially classified as a "stillbirth" rather than a "miscarriage" (although in Europe I believe it is 24 weeks). 

I still remember the first time someone told me (after losing Sawyer 3 weeks before his due date) that they were "so sorry to hear of my miscarriage" and how that just didn't sit right with me.  The loss of a baby at any stage is awful, please don't misunderstand me.  I think what made it hard for my particular loss to be called a miscarriage was that the sage of gestation represented one of the only things I had with Sawyer, those weeks, each of them, were our days together.  I wanted them to know that we were together for a LONG time.  I went through labor, gave birth to him, held him, fully developed in my arms and that he was old enough to live outside me (and most likely be considered full term) had he been born alive.  It is hard for me to really explain. . .  BUT all that to say that today represents a "new stage" of my pregnancy and in a strange sense, it feels like a stage to celebrate (even though I am guessing for most moms who haven't lost a baby, they are usually focusing on the simple fact that they are half way to the end).  So. . . here's to 20 weeks!

 

And for those of you who are wondering about the baby's gender. . . we don't know FOR SURE yet.  Last Friday when the dr. did his QUICK ultrasound he told me that the cord was in the way to give him a clear view, he had a guess but I am going to wait until we know for sure to share with you :).  My "big" ultrasound is on the 27th.

And as a side note, I am wearing a "blush topless undershirt" in this photo (it is cream with black lace) as my jacket was not maternity so I needed more "length".

How to make homemade butter

Interestingly, drinking raw milk is very controversial* but I guess I shouldn't be surprised--everything seems to be these days.  A few months ago I found out that a local man (who also happens to be a nurse during his day job) has some cows and sells the raw milk.  Several of my friends buy from him.  As I like the idea of eating healthy,I was very intrigued and started researching this topic (the pros and the cons) to find out more.  Aside from being a very interesting history (the reason why milk started being pasteurized), it was also fascinating to learn how very healthy raw milk can be.  Here is one raw milk website that I learned a lot from.  So we have started buying our milk from this man and my family loves it.  Part of the fun is that you not only get milk but you can take the cream off the top to make whipping cream, butter and buttermilk!

As I write this my husband is making butter.  I have taken photos of the process we use.

1) skim off the cream from the top of the milk (we let our milk set in the fridge for about 24 hours to allow as much as possible to rise to the top).
 
(above is just the cream from the top of the milk)

2) put the cream in the blender.

3) blend past the stage where it turns to whipping cream.

4) the whipping cream will then turn to start forming into clumps of butter (how long this takes depends on how fast you are blending).

5) after it starts clumping up it separates and is now butter in buttermilk.

6) pour off the buttermilk and save for other recipes.

7) add water to the butter and blend, then pour off the water.  Repeat this process again and again until the water is totally clear.  This makes the butter taste the best and last the longest.  Trent did this rinsing process at least 4-5 times.
  
 

8) form into a solid mass on top of a paper towel and wring out any excess water (and if you wish, add salt or fruit preserves if you wish to make special varieties of butter--here Trent is adding Sea Salt).

9) refrigerate and enjoy!

It is pretty fun!

*like anything else I suggest you research the topic of using raw milk for yourself before deciding it if is right for your family.  Also, the most important factor is to be confident that the process that the milk goes through before it gets to you is totally clean and sanitary so be sure you know what is happening before it gets to your family.

An unexpected direction

Today a good friend of mine, one that walked closely with me through Sawyer's death started walking her own journey of grief.  She was pregnant with twins, due to deliver tomorrow.  Today she found out that one of the twins had died (the other was doing ok).  She has given birth and is now beginning her unexpected path of pain with one child's death alongside the birth and joy of her other child.  Upon hearing the news I was SO torn inside for her.  I wanted to run to her side and hold her and cry with her and assure her that it was ok to not be ok, that she was not alone in this.  The tears and sobs for her come so easily.  It is a strange sort of sympathy as it truly is about her pain, but is so much deeper because of my own.  It is the deep down realization of how real her pain is--it is the understanding of the implications her loss, that make it so much more intense.  It is that sympathy that only those that have lived it can fully have and with that I feel a different kind of responsibility. 

When I heard the news today it was interesting that my mind thought, "Oh noooooo!  Not another one [baby dying]. . ." as opposed to the disbelief that this could even happen.  She was one day away from her scheduled C-Section, one day. . . I hate that this reality of babies dying has become so real to me.  So many of you have shared your losses with me that I know unfortunately, this is not a pain that is rare.  I want to know that my pain can serve a purpose and help me better help her, I want to honor my lessons learned by living them out if that makes sense.  But at the same time as much as I have also lost a baby, I have not walked HER road or felt HER pain and her situation is different from mine and because each person is different and unique, knowing how to best support them can be difficult.  So I pray that I can do anything that she would find helpful for me to do and that I can fill in all the extra areas with prayer.  Will you please join with me in prayer for my friend?

I remember getting emails from many of you after Sawyer died and you would say that you were emailing me while holding your newborn baby in your arms or while feeling your baby kick in your womb and how grateful you were in a whole new way for the life still living with you.  Now I am on the other side of that, sitting here knowing she is grieving and I am feeling kicking. . . it doesn't seem fair.  But I am so grateful, oh so very thankful for each kick that I feel!  I am now 18 weeks along (19 weeks as of tomorrow) and have been feeling movement since week 16.  Last night Trent tried (unsuccessfully) to feel the movement too but I guess it is still a little early.  I can honestly say that I don't know if there has been a single movement that I have felt within my womb that has not stopped me mentally and caused me to smile inwardly and think "thank you God, this baby is still alive and well".  It is also such a gift to not have to wait for my next dr. appointment to get assurance that the baby is still alive.  Now feeling movement, I know!

Tomorrow (the 10th) is 9 months since Sawyer was born.  It is with a longing heart that I remember him.  I have learned so much because of his life and death, things that I needed to know to become more of who I am and, I feel, to better equip me to be who God wants me to be.  It is a process and a journey but just as one step at a time brings us closer to a new destination, one event after another can bring about a new direction in our lives--direction that we never saw for ourselves, but that can be exactly where we need to go.  It is my prayer that as events unfold throughout our lives we will see the direction that God can take us and be open to following him, in faith.

P.S. I know I haven't been doing very good at writing personal posts lately.  I have been very preoccupied with work (due to the CPSIA stuff that I have mentioned in a few prior posts).  But I want to write more often so you can be looking for that.

Song and Dance Man - book bag 1

Before I was a mom, I was a second grade teacher.  I had a major in elementary education and a minor in reading.  I LOVED children's literature, I still do.  Reading with our kids is something that I have enjoyed doing since they were babies.  To my sheer delight Hunter shares my love for literature and is an excellent reader himself.  This weekend I rediscovered a project that I had created for my second graders that Hunter is really enjoying. I wanted to share it with you in case it might get your creative juices flowing as well.

Books are such a great starting point for so many topics and subjects.  I love how well they lead into discussions and can be a great segway into games.  When I taught second grade I made a slew of homemade "book bags".  I combined a book that explored a concept or lesson and activities or games that reinforced them and packaged them together in a fabric bag with a pattern that gives a preview of the contents.  When I taught, I let my students borrow one a week to take home and have fun with.  To my great pleasure, Hunter is just as excited to explore these book bags as my students were.

The book bag that we did tonight was based on the book Song and Dance Man (which you can purchase used on Amazon for just $0.01 plus shipping).  Amazon describes the book like this:

"Once a song and dance man, Grandpa reclaims his youth and profession before the delighted eyes of his three grandchildren one afternoon. He simply cannot resist the urge to dress up in clothes left over from his vaudeville days--complete with top hat and gold-headed cane--and to perform tricks, play banjo and tell jokes. He taps, twirls and laughs himself to tears on a thrown-together stage in his attic."

I read the book to Hunter and afterward we found two quarters, I put one in each toe of Hunter's sock (to make his own tap shoes) and he found a hat in his room.  He was happy to put on a show for Trent, Ashlyn and I.  I recorded one of his many performances and would love to share it with you.  In the book it talked about how the Song and Dance Man starting out his dance nice and slow, "making soft, slippery sounds like rain on a tin roof." You will notice in the video that Hunter did the same;).  After his many tap dancing shows his art project was to draw a picture of himself dancing which he gladly did (complete with quarters in his socks;).  It was a lot of fun.  Before he went to bed tonight he picked out the one he wants to do tomorrow.

 

The book bag shown in the photo above is a fabric that has music notes all over it.  I went to fabric stores looking for remnants for these bags.  The photo below shows the activities that can be done with this book.  If you click on it, it will open up larger so hopefully you can read it.  There is a grandparent interview that is fun to do too!

It is nice that I have all these already made but it wouldn't take long to use folders and in one pocket put a book and in the other pocket ideas for games or activities to go along with them.  Let me know how you like this idea and if you would find it helpful to hear about some of the other book bags we do and I will be happy to share!

What is 14 weeks like? by Heather L.

Today one of you left a comment on my blog and said, "So glad to hear a little about that precious developing little one. 14 weeks - time's moving, but probably not fast enough, I'd imagine. I'd be interested in reading more about your thoughts and feelings as you are pregnant w/ your "rainbow." What are some of the struggles or is God taking away the times of worry that I'd "assume" come? Thanks :)"

So here is my reply:):  Last  night I mentioned to my husband that I was 14 weeks and he commented that it seemed like this pregnancy was taking a really long time and in many ways it feels that way to me too.  In three days (on the 10th) it will be the 8 month anniversary of Sawyer’s birth and that seems so far away to me now too.  I feel like I am in a strange middle place between these two babies.  For the most part, as much as a mom can, I feel that I have accepted my new role of mom of three, with one on the way and only two here to hold.  I have gone over and over the pain, feelings, thoughts and the emotions of my loss and am at a point where I am ready to add more to our life, another new life.  This new life is very much a point of anticipation and we have hopeful optimism that all will go well.  However, I still find it hard to say things like “when this baby is born” as we talk about plans for next summer.  There just seems to be so much assumption in a comment like that, but yet I have to have hope.  Last month the 10th came and went and for the first time it wasn’t until a day or two later that I discovered that I hadn’t noticed the anniversary of Sawyer’s birth.  That was a really strange realization for me.  In one sense it was like a child successfully riding a bike and suddenly realizing for the first time that the training wheels are off.  I felt like, “wow, maybe life is starting to be lived without being controlled by my pain.”  But in another sense it was like discovering that you have just forgotten your best friend’s birthday.  I find myself wondering where I would be “at” if I wasn’t pregnant.  How similar or different would my feelings be and would I think about Sawyer more?  I think it is easier for me to be dealing with a loss while at the same time moving forward toward a new gift of life.  Each passing day represents a day closer to reunion, not only with Sawyer in heaven some day but also to this new child.

It is also interesting to see how our son Hunter thinks about Sawyer.  A few days ago Hunter and I were filling out a page in the baby book that we are doing together.  There was a question about what he would choose to name the baby if it was up to him.  He knew right away that he would name the baby Sawyer:).  I know from previous discussions that he knows this new baby is a different baby than Sawyer, so I don’t think that was why he said it.  Now that I think about it I should ask him why he said that to get his answer but liked that he thought of it.  Another time we were at a friend's house that had one of our Christmas photo cards on her fridge and Hunter went over and said, “Do you want to see a picture of our baby that died?”  Then he proceed to flip the family photo over and show off the photo of Sawyer on the back.  It is endearing to me to see evidence that Sawyer is often thought of by Hunter.  It is also really interesting to watch a child go though a loss and see how they settle into it over time as well.

There is more I could elaborate on but I will save it for another post.  In a nutshell, that describes where I am at right now.  I don't have much fear or worry and I know that is an answer to prayer.  I want to trust in the God that was here WAY before we were.  As a blog reader posted on her own blog recently, "He was here first, he created us.  God was there even before we needed a Savior. How humbling a reminder. God's not in existence because of us. We get so caught up in the "us" part of things that we forget we're but a speck in the overall plan of life."  I want to focus on that perspective, the one that realizes that this is not all about me, the one that remembers that history is FULL of people who have suffered MUCH more than I have and have come out on the other side praising God.  In the end it is only about God and I want to glorify Him with my trust and devotion through ALL situations.

The Hill by Heather L.

People are living in fear.  On December 30th and again on December 31st I read blog posts from two different moms. 

On New Years Eve our family met with some good friends and took our kids to a sledding hill near our home.  It was dusk and we were not sure how much sledding we would get in before the sun set on our fun so we got started right away and were having a great time.  I noticed something as I quickly descended down the hill.  I found myself digging my heals into the snow in an effort to control the direction and speed of the sled.  As I began the accent up the hill to start again I thought about this, my desire to control the ride.  It made me think about the topic of fear.  After all, the reason I was trying to control the situation was my fear of the unknown outcome should I let the sled carry me, unassisted down the steep and slippery slope.  I decided to challenge myself to a ride down the hill, without any "help" from my feet and just see what would happen.  It just happened that I also had my video camera along so I can share the results with you:).

I simply want to encourage blog poster Dec 30 and 31 that God wants to be your refuge.  He is waiting for you to put your trust in him alone.  Don't try to control the ride.  He knows you better than you know yourself so be honest with Him, about your fears and give them to Him.  Don't try to resist what He wants to do in your life as the bumps come your way.  Don't forget that he also made the snow. 

"Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, 'you are my place of safety and protection.  You are my God and I trust you.'"  Psalm 91: 1-2

"So we can be sure when we say, 'I will not be afraid, because the Lord is my helper.  People can't do anything to me.'  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  Hebrews 13: 6,8

"All you who put your hope in the Lord be strong and brave."  Psalm 31:24

"The Lord is my light and the one who saves me.  I fear no one.  The Lord protects my life; I am afraid of no one.  If an army surrounds me, I will not be afraid.  If war breaks out, I will trust the Lord."  Psalm 27: 1,3

So it is a little bit white here in Idaho!

We have had a white December.  In the last few weeks alone we have had 6-7 feet of snow!  Last year we had an amazing amount of snow too so we kind of expected this year to be more mild, guess not:)!

Click here to see a video taken today of our snowfall.

Shriveled Grapes, a Christmas Reflection by Heather Ledeboer

A few years ago I wrote this story after Christmas, I posted it last year but thought I would share it once again.  I hope you enjoy it.

Have you ever received a gift that you were less than excited about?  Little kids are masters at being painfully honest, especially when it comes to gifts.  My nephew was five years old when he sat down to open his stocking plump with presents.  As he reached in and his fingers grasped the first gift you could see the anticipation building in his eyes.  He pulled at the paper and exposed the gift beneath—a small snack box of raisins.  Now you may think that he was disappointed.  But you would be wrong.  You see, he loves raisins and this would be his own box to enjoy later--perhaps, after opening the rest of his little gifts.  In to the stocking he reached again, pulling out another small box similar to the first.  Ripping the paper with excitement, he found once again, a box of raisins.  The gleam in his eyes was not as bright as before but he set off once again to discover what lay beneath the paper of the remaining boxes.  In he reached for the third box, again strangely similar to the first two.  And as you may have already guessed, once again, as the wrapping was pealed away so was the excitement in his eyes as again he found a box of raisins.  At last he could not hold back his disappointment, “more raisins?  Bummer,” he sighed.  My husband and I fought to conceal our smiles as our nephew’s hopes of some grand gift had been reduced to shriveled grapes. 

This story still brings a smile to my face, perhaps, because I can relate to my nephews dilemma.  It’s not that he didn’t like his gifts.  It’s just that he was looking for a little variety and perhaps something not so, well, practical.  I have been known to react the same way toward God.  He knows exactly what I need and also what I want.  On his list of priorities, my needs are right there at the top.  While my wants usually find their appropriate places farther on down the list.  Now I am not saying that God does not provide the things that I want.  But do you ever notice how it is not usually on the same timetable that you had in mind?  And unfortunately, because my wants usually preoccupy my thoughts, I often forget to focus on my needs.  Things like forgiveness and grace and unconditional love--things that God supplies freely and on a regular basis.  Pretty soon, I am my nephew, sitting with the gleam all but gone from my eyes as my Heavenly Father continues to heap his blessings in my lap.  There is one considerable difference in this comparison.  The giver of the raisins may have felt some slight rejection, as her gift was not appreciated.  However, each time I do not recognize the cost of my gift, how deeply this must hurt my Heavenly Father.  For he gave his only son--he held back nothing, his flesh, his beloved, his pride and joy, for us!  His son died so I can live.  I must then choose how I will live, with gratitude or grumbling.  I may not get all the things on my list this year.  But I have already received the gift that never fades.  My gift and your gift has a eternal guarantee—slightly better than shriveled grapes, wouldn’t you agree?

Just an overall update by Heather L.

It has been snowing ALL DAY (about 1-2" an hour) and it will keep snowing through the night we are told.  Outside my window I have a little bistro set with a table and chairs.  The snow piled on the top of the table is (I just measured it) at least 18 inches high. 
 

My amazing husband is outside plowing our driveway as I sit on the couch, by the fire with a blanket.

Hunter had his Christmas program at school today.  He looked so cute as a shepherd and did a great job with his lines!  Here is a photo of Hunter with Ashlyn afterward jumping up and down excitedly:).
 

This evening Mom 4 Life had its 3rd annual Christmas party.  We enjoyed some good food and a White Elephant gift exchange.  Again, my amazing husband played with the kids and put them to bed while we ladies enjoyed visiting.  What a blessing it is to have a team of ladies that not only do a great job but are so enjoyable to be around!  My only disappointment?  I forgot to take a photo:(.

Tomorrow is my next dr. appointment.  I am excited to go again.  A month ago I wrote an email to a friend after my first dr. appointment, I will share with you what I wrote to bring you up to speed:

November 22, 2008:
I finally had my first dr. appointment two days ago and it went well.  I found out that they will have me in a high risk category (which I assumed/hoped) and want me to come in every two weeks from the start.  They are want me to take a baby aspirin every day as there is a slight chance that blood clots caused some problem last time around and I have been on a higher dose of folic acid along with my pre natal vitamin ever since we started trying again as the folic acid apparently helps against miscarriage (along with tube defects which I knew about – just didn’t know about the miscarriage thing).  There is a team of doctors at this practice and they review the charts of their high risk patients as a group each month to see if there is anything different they should be doing.  I am told that I can likely expect lots of ultrasounds at the end of my pregnancy (not sure if that is just at the end or throughout) to specifically look for the level of fluid, breathing, heart rate, growth, etc.  They also will have me take weekly non stress tests.  If at any point they have concern (and he mentioned after 32 weeks but I don’t know how firm that specific date marker is), they won’t hesitate to induce me early.  I mentioned my concern that my liver may have been a factor in Sawyer’s death and the itchy legs that I experienced with all of my pregnancies and they ordered some extra liver tests to be run at the start for a baseline and said they would watch that closely.   In my previous pregnancies I also have always gotten a false positive Syphilis test.  It wasn’t until I saw a specialist in Spokane after Sawyer died that I was told that this can indicate other underlying issues (such as Lupus or other auto-immune diseases).  That Dr. had ordered A LOT of blood work to be done (I was at the dr. office almost all day) but none of it indicated anything specific but I am told that this can be tricky because whatever they are testing for is not necessarily always present in your body.  But this is the reason I am going to start taking the baby Aspirin, just in case there is something going on that hasn’t been found I guess.  I am due on 7/7/09 which puts me in my 7th week.  I asked if they could check for a heart rate and she said she would try but that it is sometimes hard to detect this early.  She wasn’t able to find the heart rate.  This didn’t concern me too greatly but at the same time I was really hoping to get confirmation that a living baby was inside.  Not just the living part but the baby part was important to me because I have a friend that had an empty sac pregnancy after a stillbirth.  I don’t know a lot about these other than your body is pregnant, but without a growing fetus inside.  I had never heard of this before but after knowing about that felt that just because I was pregnant, didn’t necessarily mean I was growing a baby.  It is amazing to me how delicate and fragile life is and the process of pregnancy is mind boggling when you realize how many things need to go right in order to produce a healthy, living baby at the end of 9 months.  So after she couldn’t find a heart beat she told me that there was a Dr. that worked there who was “retired” but couldn’t stop working.  He specializes in infertility but loves to do ultrasounds for patients.  She said we could schedule an internal ultrasound with him just for assurance that everything was ok.  I really appreciated that she offered this.  Since we were leaving for our vacation to California the following day we set up the appointment for December 1.  After that I went over to the lab and got some blood work done and we headed home.  We felt good after that first appointment.  We felt like we were going to receive care that matched our level of concern and that everything that could be done, would be done to monitor and intervene if possible or needed.  I really appreciated that any concerns we mentioned (such as my liver) was taken seriously right away.  My tendency is to be hesitant to speak up about concerns around those that “know what they are doing” and just go with the flow but I don’t want to do that this time around.  Knowing that they will listen to my concerns seriously helps me feel more comfortable sharing things that might be on my mind. 

The only thing that I would have changed about my visit was the responses I got form the staff to the news that I had a stillbirth.  I had mentioned it when I called to place my initial appointment and the receptionist said “ok”.  I mentioned it when the first nurse to see me (the one who took my blood pressure, weight etc) asked how many children/pregnancies I had, she said, “oh” or something along those lines.  The third was the nurse practitioner that I saw initially who was also very neutral in her reply.  She did later ask me how I was feeling about this pregnancy which I appreciated.  I said that we were excited but that it was also a little scary and just like that the emotions rose up inside me.  I didn’t start crying because the conversation was left at that, but I easily could have.  I sense that either this type of news has become common enough in their line of work that they are no longer affected emotionally or they choose not to let themselves feel any emotion in order to remain “professional”.  Perhaps it is a mix of both.  I have to guess that had any of them experienced this personally they couldn’t help but have a more tender response, but it is disappointing to me that as people we can allow ourselves to become hardened to the point that we have no desire to show empathy.  I admittedly have done this when watching the news and that is sad enough, but I pray I don’t do this in person to someone, it is so belittling of their pain.  A simple, “oh I am so sorry” would go miles farther than “ok”.  Sometimes I wonder how it would go over if I ever said something to them in response to their non-response but I don’t know what would be a good reply that would make them realize their lack of empathy that they just showed in a way that would still be sensitive.  I got this type of response a few months ago when I met someone from Hunter’s school for the first time.  She asked if we planned on having more children.  These kind of questions always put me at a crossroads for how to answer.  Do I keep it simple and leave out all the emotional aspects to her question or do I go ahead and answer honestly?  I decided in this case to be honest and I told her that we had just lost our baby at 37 weeks and that we did indeed want another baby someday.  Her reply?  “Oh” followed up by a "How did it die?".  These kind of replies just mystify me.

The day after my first appointment, the nurse practitioner that we had seen the day before, called and said that the Dr. that did ultrasounds was in all day and she wondered if I wanted to come in before our trip so we could have peace of mind.  Trent answered the phone and thanked her for her thoughtfulness but said it wouldn’t work because we were leaving on our trip soon.  He hung up the phone and told me what she had said and I promptly informed him that I would find a way to squeeze it in and I called her back:).  A few hours later I was getting the ultrasound.  The Dr. doing the ultrasound (which by the way was nice to have a Dr. doing it rather than simply a technician because he could fully tell me whatever he was seeing) told me that the baby was measuring correctly (to the day) of the date of how far along I was.  There was a HEARTBEAT which was wonderful to see.  He said there was an area that looked like there might be some bleeding but since I haven’t experienced any bleeding so far he told me not to be too concerned about it and that this was quite common to find in early ultrasounds and usually resolve themselves as time progresses.  Thankfully, I have been able to not worry about it.  I realize there is little that we can do anyway and God is in ultimate control.  He allowed this pregnancy and I trust Him to carry it out to the completion that will be best.  Seeing our baby did help make it more real to me as has my nausea :).  I will be right back in that office in two weeks and am curious if he will do a follow up ultrasound to check on the area in question that he thought might be bleeding (or some other fluid).  Going every two weeks this early in my pregnancy feels so strange to me but I like it.

It is amazing that we are in late November.  Each month that passes seems strange to me.  It seems that time should not keep moving as we had envisioned the holidays with a new child this year.  I was thinking of the Dr’s comments about not being hesitant to induce me around 32 weeks if needed and realized that this would be the week of Sawyer’s one year birthday anniversary.
***

Two weeks ago I had my next appointment after this one mentioned above.  I did get another ultrasound and was AMAZED to see how much the baby had grown in just two weeks!  In the first ultrasound it looked like a kidney bean, in this second one there were legs and arms and a big head and it was moving all over the place and was at least twice the size!  I am going to show you a photo below of both of them:

Isn't that wild?!  What an amazing blessing to be able to have so many ultrasounds and see the growth happening inside.  By the way, the bleeding that the dr. thought he saw in the first ultrasound was no longer there in the second (praise God).  So tomorrow I "assume" that I will get another ultrasound.  Having my appointments every two weeks is good spacing.  I really appreciate the confirmation that everything is ok that often.  I do find that when I go in I am thinking "I really hope there is still a heart beating" more than anything else. 

Several weeks ago a friend asked me what I will do different with this pregnancy compared to Saywers.  I thought this was a good question.  Below is my reply:

I am not going to “wait” until the baby is born to enjoy it.  I am not going to “assume” that I will have a living baby at the end of this journey.  I am trying to enjoy and embrace each day I have with this baby now.  With Sawyer I feel like I just assumed everything would be ok and really didn’t focus on or enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could have thinking the whole time that I would enjoy him once he was born.  I didn’t take many maternity photos (thank GOD for the photos that I got with Sarah at the end because other than that I had almost none—with my first pregnancy I had one for each month:).  I will involve Hunter more in getting to know about the pregnancy process so he can enjoy it deeper too.  I am using this book with him: Making Me The Pregnancy Activity Book for My Big Brother or Sister and he is LOVING it:) and it is bringing up some interesting and good discussions about Sawyer as well which is kind of nice as he hasn’t talked much about Sawyer in a long time.  I am pretty darn excited but just praying that this baby lives perhaps at this point even more for Hunter than for me right now as he is having a lot of fun talking about it.  Today we were talking and he even used a lot of wording like “if this baby dies too I will be very sad and will cry but I will see it in heaven” so I know he also sees the situation as a bit of an unsure thing, which I guess is good rather than assuming this one will be fine??  It just makes my heart ache to have someone so small have an understanding of something so huge.

I am now 11 weeks pregnant and I have been feeling pretty yucky for at least 5 weeks.  With Ashlyn and Sawyer I felt poorly until around week 16 so I may only be about 1/2 way there:)!  Some days I feel pretty good until the evening, other days it is more of an all day thing.  I don't throw up, just feel yucky in my stomach.  I keep thinking food might help but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference.  BUT this is not a complaint, just a report, I am so glad to be in this place :).  My belly is growing too, shown below (photo taken about 10 min ago) in our new Rouched Tank by the makers of the BellaBand ;).

 

Oh and seeing that photo of our tree reminds me that I uploaded a 4 min. video to YouTube of our family decorating the tree and singing a Christmas Song.  I was a little frustrated to see that I put the year 2009 on it but not frustrated enough to do it over;). Also, I wanted to share what our Christmas card looks like this year (a BIG thanks to my friend Sarah who took the photo, found the template design and sent them in to be printed for me)!!!!  You can click on the images to view them larger if you wish.

Front:

Back:

I also wanted to show you a special Christmas Ornament that I bought this year to remember Sawyer.  For some reason I haven't yet put his photo in it or hung it on the tree.  It is sitting on the mantle, packaged in the little green box that it came in.  I guess sometimes keeping things in their neat little boxes is easier than facing the reality and the pain.  But seeing this photo of my belly in front of the tree makes me want to get it out and hang it up before we leave for MN.  I want to take another belly photo with Sawyer's ornament visable in the picture.

Ok my lovely husband just steeped in from outside so I am going to go tell him what a great guy he is.  Have a wonderful week!  We leave Friday to visit Trent's family in Minnesota for Christmas.  Just in case I don't have a chance to check in before then Merry Christmas to you all:)!

My Jordan by Heather L.

In school, Hunter is learning about Moses and the Israelites.  I have been reflecting on this today and feel that God is prompting me to dig deeper to find some personal application. 

If you are not familiar with this story in scripture you can find it in the Old Testament book of Exodus.  You will read that the Israelites were rescued by God out of years of slavery through a series of amazing miracles (not the least of which was the parting of the Red Sea for the Israelites to walk across on dry land only to close the waters behind them on the approaching enemy). 

They were led by God out into the desert and toward the Promised Land.  God fed them, kept their sandals from wearing out (Deuteronomy 29:5), protected and led them with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night (Exodus 13:21-22). . . What an amazing experience for the Israelites, to see miracle after miracle, to see God sweep down and rescue you, to take you out of your bondage and lead you toward freedom! 

But as we continue to read the story, we see that things did not stay joyful, nor did they remain focused on God.  It didn't take long before they begin to complain and even wish they were back in captivity (Exodus 16:3)!  It also wasn't long before they were entertained by building their own "god" to worship (made out of their melted gold jewelry) (Exodus 32).  Unfortunately, the Israelites whom God loved intensely turned their back to God's provision and doubted him so deeply that He was forced to punish that generation and for forty years they wandered in the desert unable to enter the Promised Land. 

*Yet after the forty years ended, the Israelites were finally ready to enter and claim the Promised Land, however one thing stood in their way: the Jordan River and its fast-flowing waters were at flood stage (Josh. 3:15).

The Canaanites living in the Promised Land were no doubt pleased by the timing. They had probably heard about Israel's victories east of the Jordan. But with the river at flood stage, they felt protected. To them, the flooded waters showed Baal's power to save them from the Israelites' invasion.

The Israelites had reached a monumental moment: they could either trust in God's power and step into the dangerous river, or they could disobey God's commands to enter the Promised Land because of their fear. God's people made their decision: They broke camp and prepared to cross.

The priests carried the ark of the covenant—a symbol of God's presence—to the edge of the river. Looking at the water below, they were probably terrified of what would happen if they stepped in.

But trusting God, the priests took the first step into the Jordan. Immediately, the river water stopped flowing.  It piled up in a heap a great distance away.  The people could pass through on dry ground (Josh. 3:16). The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.  The pagans who had trusted in Baal were stunned to see that Israel's God had power over both nature and their fertility gods.

In a book called "the Calling, A Challenge to Walk the Narrow Road" by Brother Andrew there is a section that I book-marked 6 years ago and have referred back to on several occasions.  It says,

"The Bible is full of ordinary people who went to impossible places and did wondrous things simply because they decided to obey God, even when others said, "You can't do that." 

They weren't more qualified for their tasks than we are.  But they trusted God to open the doors and give them the power they needed in their particular situations. 

Joseph go to Egypt as a slave boy and rise to the rank of second in the kingdom?  "You can't do that."

Moses part the waters of the Red Sea?  "You can't do that."

David the shepherd boy defeat Goliath with nothing but a sling and a few pebbles?  "You can't do that." 

Jonah travel to the decadent city of Nineveh and with one sermon bring the entire population to repentance?  "You can't do that." 

Maybe not, but with God's help, they did it anyway.  And so can we, wherever we are or wherever God leads us.  The door may seem closed, but it's only closed the way a supermarket door is closed.  It stays shut when you remain at a distance, but as you deliberately move toward it, a magic eye above it sees you coming, and the door opens.  God is waiting for us to walk forward in obedience so he can open the door for us to serve him."

So as I reflect on this, I find myself standing on the edge of the Jordon River carrying a child within my womb and holding onto joyful trepidation, hesitant to fully step forward into the waters of trust.  Today (and no doubt because of many of your prayers) I am challenged to reconsider my position.  I don't want to be that person.  I was reminded today by Angie Smith as I watched her share her story on YouTube (it is a three part video) that nothing is a surprise to God.  It may seem like we are suddenly faced with a plan "b" when things in our life do not go as planned, but God does not have a plan "b".  As Psalm 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  I will not live in fear of my tomorrows.  I will choose to trust in my Heavenly Father.  I will trust in his unfailing love.  If God loves me deeper than I love my own children, how can I not entrust this one to Him without clinging in fear?  As I was reminded today by a blog reader (thanks Angela):

"Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. " Mathew 6:32-34

Be strong and courageous. . . the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

So this is my prayer:

Dear Papa, I know you see me here on the river's edge and you feel the pain in my heart, you hold my tears in a bottle, you are well acquainted with my sorrow.  In your merciful plan you have seen fit to bless us with new life.  Please grant me the trust to hope fully and live free of the fear of tomorrow's possible pain and instead focus on your eternal provision.  Give me the ability to make your Kingdom my primary concern and know that in exchange you will provide for all my needs.  Remind me that you not only never will leave me, but never have left me.  I want to run into the river only to find that my feet are DRY and see that the water is piling up in a heap a great distance away and shout "My God PROVIDES because that is the kind of God his is."  But God I am so weak, I know that I am certainly no better than the Israelites who were honored to personally see you work miracles yet melted their rings to create a god to worship.  You are so indescribably merciful and forgiving.  You continue to sweetly draw me to yourself even despite myself.  I offer my endless gratitude for the prayer warriors that you have provided through this blog and beyond.  I recognize that crossing the river was not done without the priests carrying the ark of the covenant standing firm in the middle of the Jordan while all of Israel passed safely by.  In many ways these women (and men) praying seem to be those standing in the middle of the Jordan.  I trust you.  Lead me where you want me to go, give me the courage to step forward in faith and obedience so that you can show me more of who you are.  I love you and I can't thank you enough for this new life.
Your little girl, Heather

*A section of the story of the Israelites was taken from this blog.

The Fog by Heather Ledeboer

I have been sitting here with my laptop on my lap for the past hour as we drive home from our vacation in California trying to find the proper eloquence to express myself.  I look out the window of our van and drink in the green expanse of Oregon, the sheep grazing on the hillsides and naked trees awaiting the snows of winter with nothing but moss to wrap them up in warmth.  Over all the landscape a thick fog drapes itself settling in heavy over the ground.  In a strange way the beauty is only enhanced by the mystery of the fog rather than being hidden by it.  (I tried capturing it from my camera phone below after I wrote this and the fog had started to lift, but was still pretty.)

 

Fog is an interesting substance and when it settles low to the ground all you can do is slow down and focus on the viewable road ahead.  Even if it is a road you have traveled before, you are forced to rely on what you can see rather than what you remember.  I can relate to the fog lately.  At the end of October I took a pregnancy test that revealed a very faint pink line.  Trent was away at the time on a fishing trip that lasted several days.   Seeing that test stirred up a mix of emotions within me but the default feeling was disbelief.  For my previous pregnancies I was content with just one positive test.  I never quite understood why some women took so many tests, after all, I had been told that any line, no matter how faint was a positive.  This time I took more than 6 tests over several days before I decided I was only wasting money to keep taking more.  I just didn’t want to start hoping too soon.  Now that I am 8 weeks pregnant and have shared the news with all of our family I am eager to share our news with you.  Below is a photo of the first 6 tests I took starting with the oldest at the top.  I took one a day!  After this photo was taken I even took 2 more the week following, just to be sure;).

With this pregnancy I find that I feel much different about sharing "the news".  Typically I can't wait to tell others, this time I find that I almost have to force myself to do it.  We just got done visiting my dad and step-mother in Los Angeles and I didn't get up the nerve to tell them until our 6th day there LOL.  I figure it is rather inevitable that people find out, after all, pregnancy can only be "hidden" for so long.  But, I would prefer if only people that knew our whole story knew about this pregnancy.  It seems that during pregnancy people feel that they have a special privilege to talk to you openly about your pregnancy and I don't feel as open anymore.  I don’t want the questions of “is this your first?” and deciding if I just say no hoping they won’t follow up asking how many kids I have or asking “do you want a girl or a boy” when all I want is a healthy living baby.  I typically don’t mind questions, I just prefer ideally that they only come from people who know the depth of the situation or have a deep sensitivity to our loss.  It feels as though this pregnancy is in a sense the passing of two silent ships out in quiet, foggy waters--the life of Sawyer who didn’t make it and the life of this baby, waiting to see if it will make it.  At times I feel the tendency to almost hold my breath waiting. . . just waiting.  We have hope but I feel the desire to protect that hope against anyone that might not treat it tenderly.   

Here is a blog entry that I wrote on October 27th, just a few days after finding out that I was pregnant (but didn't post because we had not yet told all of our family the news):

We (Trent and I) are very excited.  I almost feel out of place in that emotion, like I don’t belong, like it is a long lost friend that I hardly recognize.  It all feels sort of surreal and like at any point I might just find out that it is some cruel joke.  I want to fast forward to hearing the heart beat, to feeling movement, LOTS of movement, to labor and most of all holding this baby, warm in my arms and looking into open eyes staring back at me.  A friend of mine that lost a baby to stillbirth said after having her “rainbow” child that she thought that mothers giving birth after a loss should be allowed to have a condensed pregnancy, perhaps just 4-5 months total, I am just days into knowing and I fully agree!  The last few weeks I have not really known if I am in a place of acceptance or denial of my loss.  I find myself choosing not to think on it very long, like my mind is simply too worn from those repeating thoughts to ask it to think on them again.  I am hopeful, but no longer expecting a living baby at the end of my pregnancy.  I am learning that it is foolish to have the wrong kind of expectations.  I can only expect that God will be true to who he is and that Satan will be true to who he is and therein lies the root of my need to release my expectations (the fact that I am not in control).  The innocent, blissful fun surrounding pregnancy is gone but I still wish to embrace the joy of new life (however long it lasts) and the hope of a living child in the end. 

I am traveling a road that I have been on before, three times to be exact, but this time the way seems to be wrapped in a low hanging cloud preventing an overview of the journey ahead.  All I can do is focus on today.  Each day is a little different.  Some days I am filled with hope and excitement, other days I can still hardly believe it is true but everyday I seek to appreciate the present and I welcome your prayers for this baby as we look forward with hope to 7/7/09.

I Won't Let Go First by Heather L.

Found this entry in an old blog archive and wanted to re-post it. . .

A few years ago I heard a something that changed the future of my hugging habits. She said, "I have decided that anytime I give someone a hug, I will not be the first to let go.  This simple act has caused me to give hugs that have been so much longer and more meaningful to my friends and family." 

I decided to put her idea into practice and when I hug my children I patiently wait until they are ready to let go before I do.  Days that are rushed make it more difficult to apply this rule.  Although the difference between a short and long hug can be a matter of seconds or minutes the overall effect, I believe, is compounded to a much greater degree.  Try it!

For an added incentive, I invite you to visit this YouTube video that honestly brought tears to my eyes when I saw it.  It reminded me that it comes down to it, don't we all have the same desire for love regardless of who we are, where we live or what we have been through?

Hmmmm, just thinking about this makes me want to go hug someone. . .

The value of compound interest (in parenting) by Heather L.

I was reorganizing my blog categories and I came upon a few old posts that I would like to resurrect.  For those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time, I hope you don't mind.  For those of you who are newer, I hope you enjoy;).  I am currently reading a really good book, The Slight Edge--Secret to a Successful Life by Jeff Olson, recommended to me by one of my customers (thank you Elizabeth S.). 

One of the concepts that this book has begun building on is the amazing value of compound interest.  Compound interest is likely not a new concept to you, it wasn't for me.  My husband and I consider ourselves to be wise investors, at least that is our constant goal.  However, when I read the following passage from the book about "The Cost of Waiting" I was floored.

"Let's say you and your best friend are both 24 years old; you both decide you'd like to start putting away $2,000 a year into an IRA so you'll retire at age 65 with over a million dollars.  Your friend starts doing it now.  You wait.  You don't get around to it this year, or next, or the next. . . in fact, you procrastinate for the next 6 years.  At the beginning of year 7, you ask your friend how his IRA is doing.  You are stunned when he tells you that he's finished: after investing $2,000 a year for 6 years at 12%, he's all set.  By the age of 65, the little financial ball he's started rolling will have snowballed into over one million dollars--even if he never puts in another penny!

That's it, you decide, it's time for action.  You start putting in your $2,000 each year.  How many years will it take before you've caught up to your friend?  In other words, by what age will you be able to stop investing your annual $2,000, like he did?  You can't believe your eyes when you see the answer: you're going to have to keep investing that $2,000 every single year until the age of 62!  Your 6 years of procrastination has cost you 33 years of investing--that's 27 more years and $54,000 more invested just to arrive at the same place!"

Amazing isn't it?  Maybe even discouraging if you are past your mid twenties and have not started taking some steps toward your finical goals.  The author goes on to say this, "You are never too old, and it's never to late to start achieving your dreams.  My point is simply that there is a cost to waiting.  It is never too late to start.  It is always too late to wait."

So how does this apply to parenting?  Each day we have the opportunity to invest in the life of our children.  I believe that if we take that roll seriously and seek each day to invest in them with our love, guidance and direction, we will be giving them a future that is rich in self confidence, courage and caring for others.  However, the cost of waiting to make that investment may cause us to miss the best window of influence in their life and may find us working late into our life trying to make up for that lost time.

I pray this week you will find yourself making generous deposits in the lives of your children and that over time you will rejoice as you see the fruits of your diligent investment.

The problem with light bulbs is that they break by Heather L.

Tonight as I sat at my computer not knowing what to write in order to properly match words to my feelings, I was reminded of a YouTube video that I was saw a while back titled "IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT ENERGY SAVER LIGHT BULBS!" it shows a US House representative from the state of Texas addressing the complicated issues surrounding the florescent bulb and the push to require their use by 2014.  As I watched this video again, I found thoughts unrelated to light bulbs swimming though my head.  I cannot guarantee you that they will all make sense but if you will stick with me, I will attempt to convey them to you.  I invite you to first watch this 5 min clip yourself before finishing this post.  I assure you that if nothing else, it will entertain you.  If the bandwidth of your computer will not allow you to easily view videos, you can take a look at this page so that you can at least get a feel for the complicated procedures surrounding the clean up of florescent bulbs.

I am at a place in my life where I have been wounded from the inside out.  The damage is largely inside which makes it tricky for those on the outside (often myself included) to know how the heeling is going.  I find it especially difficult to look around and see so many other women in pain.  I am not alone.  I am hurting and I could make a good guess that you are hurting too.  Maybe not in the same way, although I know some of you are, but pain has a way of seeping everywhere and leaving no one untouched.  Life is complicated and it is really easy to feel helpless when things get difficult.  We can listen to popular opinion that we are here by accident and that will only further promote the problem within our hearts  (because an accidental person with problems is pretty pathetic indeed).  In an attempt to solve this piercing pain, the accidental person can try looking elsewhere for help; to the government perhaps (as stable and assuring as that option is), to our jobs, (if we still have them), to our monetary investments, (if they are still there), to our family (as long as they are still living), we could look to ourselves. . . however the problem with all of these options is that if people are accidental than the entire system is flawed and can't be trusted.  Which of us can do anything on our own to solve our own problems?  If you burn your dinner, you might feel capable of finding a solution.  But there will come a time where you will find yourself in a situation that you can't fix. 

Imagine your life as a large, beautiful room, well furnished and properly decorated with a single florescent bulb hanging from the ceiling.  For many years you enjoy the beauty and comfort of that room.  Many memories are made there and it becomes a place of solace for you.  One day, the bulb that has illuminated your every activity, unexpectedly crashes to the floor. . . do you know what to do to clean up the mess?  Are you prepared?  It may not be a simple as you think and even if you know what to do, have you prepared enough to have the proper materials in place?

The world tries to give us assurance that we are in control, advertises freely the benefits that we should enjoy and glosses quickly over the possible problems that may arise with no true instructions on how to survive the clean up without irreversible harm.  It is a lot like the florescent box, proudly boasting of the energy being saved, while leaving the user totally uninformed about what to do in the wake of an accident.

Another option is for us to turn to the more hopeful opinion that we were created by design.  That designer is bound to know how to fix the hurt within his creation.  I can attest to the fact that pain is present, but I can also testify that I am not alone to bandage my own wounds.  The bulb still shattered, but I have been swept up into safe arms and assured that if I let Him, my God will see to the cleanup left behind.  And not only that, but He has promised me a new home* with no need for a light bulb because He, my God, will give it light.

"I am going away to prepare a place for you, I will come back again and welcome you into my presence, so that you may be where I am." John 14:3

"The city doesn't need any sun or moon to give it light because the glory of God gave it light."  Revelation 21:23

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you" (Psalm 42:5-6).

Lord, I look to You when I am struck down again by grief. I will depend on You, and I will praise You; for though I am struck down, I am not destroyed. Amen.

*Christ promises that those who give their lives to Him, will enjoy eternity with Him.  Among many other descriptions of what this eternity will include, the Bible gives us the verse in Revelation 21:23.

Painful pants by Heather Ledeboer

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Magazine Monday Nominations.

It is interesting how something you greatly look forward to can, when finally achieved, turn out to be so different from what you initially envisioned. 

Remember how anxious I was to retire my maternity jeans?  Do you recall how I attempted the ridiculous feat of trying to squeeze a new post partum body into pre-pregnancy pants?  Recently, I went shopping; deciding it was time to buy myself a pair of jeans.  After several failed attempts, I found a pair that would do.  As a side note: It appears that there have been no major revisions within the retail world of jeans since I last went shopping—somehow men are apparently the only ones that get to choose the length of their jeans right down to the inch.  But alas, there are only so many battles that I can fight, so I will leave that one for someone else.

Upon returning home, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, my old favorite jeans and my now more post”er” pregnancy hips were ready for another showdown.   I was cautiously optimistic when they successfully passed my knees and still had extra circumference to spare!  And . . . surprise of surprises they actually cooperated as I coaxed them up over my hips (mind you I was doing a little dance to get them fully positioned) . . . and. . . gasp. . . the button and the button hole were actually able to find themselves meeting the need for which they were invented (and I wasn’t even holding by breathJ)!  Now I will be honest, they could still stand to have a little more looseness but let’s not appear ungrateful, they were on (and buttoned) after all!  Wow.

Now to put the icing on the cake--upon seeing me, my husband immediately said, “Are those your old jeans?” J  Granted the poor man has been seeing me trot around the house in my same old maternity jeans for the last 12 months but STILL, it felt great that he noticed (then again, what guy wouldn’t notice skin tight jeans LOL, just kidding hon, I love that you noticed).

For some strange reason that I still have not figured out, these “old favorites” now newly resurrected, are not quite as long as they should be. Exactly how does that happen?  Have any of you had your jeans shorten in length during their pregnancy hibernation?  It seems very strange.

The excitement and fanfare over my newly expanded wardrobe lasted approximately two days.  On day three (which was also very likely my third day wearing my tight and too short pre-pregnancy jeans), I became aware of threads of sadness relating to this seemly happy event.  In a strange sort of way, returning to my pre-pregnancy wardrobe is somewhat bittersweet.  It is another milestone that seems to bury deeper still the pregnancy that ended in silence (I almost said death but, although that description would be accurate, it would not tell the full story as there have been so many accounts of new life that has come from the death).  I tried to explain my sadness to Trent by saying, “It might be how you would feel if I were to give you a hicky and then die shortly after.  As the hicky faded, so would the last physical link that you had to me.”  I certainly would not choose to keep my pregnancy weight so it seems that this is just one of those situations where there is no perfect solution.

Psalm 139:1-6
[wording in brackets are personal additions]

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.  [You know when I am excited about something as simple as jeans.  You know when I am grieving the separation of my son, my flesh and blood.]  You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. [You know when my mind is unexpectedly taken to a place of sadness.]  You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.  [You see the pain in taking a vacation without our entire family along for the ride or storing away an unused bassinet.]  You know everything I do.  [You see the moments where I collapse in tears.  You are aware of my days of sunshine.] You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.  [You know me well enough to finish my sentences.]  You go before me and follow me.  [You have never left me alone in my pain.]  You place your hand of blessing on my head.  [You carry me when I cannot go forward on my own.]  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

A few photos from our family vacation to Glacier National Park this last weekend:
 

My beautiful family.

And yes in case you were wondering, I AM wearing my jeans in this photo (for the forth day in a row).

Psalm 50:11 says, "I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine."  Amazing to think that the creator of the heavens cares to know about EVERY BIRD in the mountains, how much more does he care to know us. 

Matthew 10:30  "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

Psalm 56:8  "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

How to find God (part 2) by Heather L.

I recently posted the first part of an email conversation that I have been having with a woman named Crystal.  She has graciously given me permission to share our emails with you because we both feel that the questions that she has asked me to answer are important enough for others to read as well.  I left off with Crystal rejoicing in her new faith in God and asking "where do I go from here".  If you have not read the first part of our talk, you can find it here.

Below is my reply to her question:

***

Oh Crystal,
Honestly and truly you have no idea how happy I am for you.  I have read over your email several times and each time it brings me to tears.  I am so so happy for you, your life has forever been changed and I feel so amazingly blessed to know that it was though the pain of losing my son that something so beautiful was able to be born. 

I want you to know that you have not been far from my thoughts this weekend.  Whenever God brings you to mind I have been praying for you.  What an exciting time you have entered and I want to say welcome, welcome to God’s family.  If you have called out to God and expressed your sinfulness and your need for him to take over your life and your desire to turn from your old life and life for him, you are now a part of the family of God.  You and I are “sisters in Christ” and I am so excited for you.   I have been thinking over the past day or so how life really can be just boiled down to where we stand with God, that is what is important.  What we do with that belief affects everything.  There is a great level of contentment that settles over me when I am able to share my faith with others because of Sawyer’s death.  It is a realization that there are lives that will forever be altered for God’s glory and changed for eternity because of our loss and pain and I find myself content with our situation.  Thank you for taking the step to reach out, I am so glad God arranged our lives to connect.  Being content with the death of my son is HUGE to me, really huge and I am very thankful to be in this place.  I still have to deal with the pain but I don’t have to worry about the why. 

So, where do you go from here:
-Pray, pray, pray.  This is going to be something new for you and it may feel a little strange to you at first but as you start reading your bible (on its way in the mail) you will find that this is a very important way to build your relationship with God and isn’t it amazing that you can even have a relationship with the creator of the universe?!!  When you pray you can do it in your mind as thoughts or out loud, you can do it with your eyes open or closed.  Often as I go throughout my day I will see something beautiful outside and think in my mind "wow God that is beautiful" – that is a prayer!  Praying doesn't have to be long (although it defiantly can be), it can also be quick thoughts given to God as you go throughout your day.  Start asking God to show himself to you, to help you to have a desire to know him more and be ready for him to answer.  Our church is currently doing a short sermon series on the topic of prayer and today's sermon made me think of you espeically as it talked about how to pray and common questions people have about prayer.  It should be updated on the Real Life Ministries website soon if you wish to check it out in a few days.

-Attend a church and/or small group/ bible study regularly.  I am working on finding out a church or a few churches in your area that I can recommend to you.  it is a sad reality that there are a lot of churches that do not teach truth.  Satan wants to “get in” wherever he can and if he can weasel his way into churches he will.  There are a lot of “religions” that take the truth of God’s word (the bible) and they change it or add to it.  This is not ok.  God’s word is accurate and true as is.  Think of it like this: if you were handed a glass of water that was 99% pure water and 1% poison would you want to drink it?  The bible is 100% pure, adding to it or changing it and claiming that it is “from God” introduces ideas or beliefs that are not based on truth.  Until you have found a church, I would like to invite you to enjoy mine;).  All the sermons that we have are archived on the website here http://www.reallifeministries.com/sermons_current and you can listen to them online.  I really think you will enjoy them.  As I mentioned in my last email the Expelled series would be a great one to start with, especially considering how prevalent the Mormonism is where you live.  Listening to these sermons will give you confidence in the truth of God’s word as opposed to other false “religions”.  Another great series for you would be the “Truth” one from back in March (just scroll down on the page).  Let me know if you listen to any of them and if you have questions as you go.

-Read the bible.  When you get your bible in the mail let me know and we can talk more about this.  I am also going to send you a copy of “The Purpose Driven Life”  This is a really great book that uses scripture (passages from the bible) to answer the most basic question “why am I here, what is my purpose?” I think you will really enjoy it. I was looking on the website for this book here: http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/en-US/Home/home.htm and I saw that there was a little video in the upper right hand corner of the screen.  I watched it and it is about 10 min long and is a really good, I think you would enjoy watching it.  It summarizes what I wrote about in my previous email and expands on it in some other ways as well.

-There are some really fantastic Christian radio stations that play music that is encouraging and God glorifying, this is one like that you can listen to online http://www.air1.com/.  Or here is another one that is a local station here but you can also listen online http://www.plr.org/Community/listen.html

I am going to specifically pray that when you start to attend a church God will help you meet at least one other woman who has a strong faith in God that be a special friend to you and help you learn and that you can go to with questions as you grow.

God is really very much into relationships.  He wants a relationship with us and he wants us to be in real relationships with others.  It is this relationship with other people who believe in Jesus on a regular basis that helps us to continue to grow closer to God.  On our own we are very venerable but with the support of others we can be supported in our weakness and build each other up.  When Sawyer died it was the loving support of others that kept us afloat.  It assured us of God’s love in a tangible way.  We all need that.  As you mentioned in your email, you are not alone.

So let me know if that helps give you some direction and if you have more questions.  I will be happy to answer:).
-Heather

***

Below is Crystal's reply.  This is the last of our conversation that I will post here unless at some future time we discuss something and decide together to share it with you.  Thank you Crystal for being so willing to share your journey with us.  I have had such joy in seeing you discover the joy that comes from being set free!  I believe that you have many joy filled days ahead.

***

"Dear Heather,

Thank you again for taking the time to write to me. This whole week has been a little unusual, but very wonderful. I started to listen to some of the sermons that you directed me to and I found them to be most... fulfilling? (I think this is the word I am looking for). What I mean is that they seemed to fill some of the empty spaces that I was feeling that I had. I am very excited to be a part of your family in Christ and to know what you know about God. Thank you for taking the time not only to write me, but to send me a Bible as well so that I can know more. I really do appreciate it and want to thank you. (and I never realized how hard it is to actually find a Bible when I am looking for one, a lot of stores here only carry the Book of Mormon).I am so very sorry for your loss of Sawyer, but I am thankful that you feel some measure of peace with it, especially since it saved me and helped me write to you.

I have started praying this past weekend. I always thought that prayer was something that could only take place in Church under quiet circumstances. I never knew that you could take God with you and pray where you like whenever you need to. I also never knew that you could be the one praying. I always thought that it was something that the Church leaders did and you followed. I have been inspired so much this weekend and have felt so happy just by saying a few individual words to God. I can not thank you enough for teaching me this. :)

I have also been researching churches, but they are a little hard to find. If you ask me where the closest Mormon church is, I could tell you no problem, but finding one that is clear and that studies the Bible is a little tougher. I will definitely listen to more of the sermons from your church while I wait to find one of my own. I can't wait to receive my Bible, like I said it is tough to find one here in my area. I will watch all of the videos you suggest and I have started listening to some of the radio stations (the happiness of satellite radio :) and I would definitely appreciate prayers for finding a local woman of faith.

Thank you so much for reaching back to me, Heather, I really do appreciate it.
-Crystal"

As a follow up, I was able to find two churches in Crystals area of SLC Utah (with the help of the staff at my church).  Thank you to all of you who have said you will be praying for Crystal, we both appricate it.  Below are the two chruches in her area in case anyone else also lives in SLC and happens to be looking:
http://www.k2thechurch.com/hiband.php
http://www.elevation.cc/home.asp

If you need help finding a solid Bible teaching church in your area please let me know, I would be happy to try to help you find one.

Oh and one last tidbit, a friend told me about the website GriefShare.com and that you can sign up for daily emails.  I have and they are great, short, encouraging and to the point.  Below is a quote from my email today that I espeically enjoyed:
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

How to find God - a conversation with Crystal by Heather L.

I am back from Vegas:).  I was gone from Tuesday - Friday attending the ABC tradeshow scouting out fun new products for www.mom4life.com.  My good friend Heather DeWitt and her daughter Tessa came along as well and we had a great time.  I look forward to introducing the great things that we found in the future.  Some of you have checked in with me wondering how I am doing since I last wrote.  If I had to sum up how I am doing in one word it would be: contentment, and for me, this is a very big deal. 

In the Bible, the apostle Paul says, "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4: 11b-13)  In the past I have always been amazed at these words, wondering if I am content and if I am, if I would be if my situation were to change.  One thing I have been reminded of in the past four months is that I cannot always control my situation, only my response.  I do not believe that being content means that I am always happy (this is proven each time I am caught with tears streaming down my face and my heart crying out for God to carry me though the day).  Nor do I believe that being content means that I should stop holding out for hope of future change for our family.  Contentment seems to be the willful ability to take all that I have at that moment and recognize what is of true lasting value and clinging to that above everything else.  When looking at life from that perspective, I am reminded of the temporal nature of this life and the eternal time line that awaits.  As I said before, it does not mean that I do not still grieve in pain because I do, but I am also able to rest soundly in the confidence that Satan will not have the final say.

After I wrote my last post on the topic of wanting the chance to hope again (for another baby), many of you wrote me and told me that you were praying for me.  Four days later I was given hope of another kind, hope that Sawyers life would be used to point someone to eternal salvation.

It started with this email sent to me by a woman named Crystal on 9/4 at 11:01 PM (shared with Crystal's blessing):

"Dear Heather,

I stumbled across your site while searching for baby stuff a few weeks ago. I read all of the posts regarding your sweet son, Sawyer in one day. I remember sitting at my desk in my cubicle jungle crying and thinking of how full of faith you seem to be. I went back and read every post of your blog as I wanted to see if I could absorb more of your faith.

You see my problem with faith is, and has always been, my analytical mind. I lived with my grandma for a few years and she took me to church with her every Sunday that she could. She tells me all the time that she prays for me to 'see the light' and 'that I will realize the truth in Scripture. I always scoffed at her faith and asked my job to schedule me on Sundays. I have prayed, sure. But only in fleeting, scared, moments. I have never really asked for forgiveness, or faith, or whatever it is I should pray for.

For about a year my husband and I decided that we were going to try to get pregnant. We have been on this path for many months and with many starts of pregnancy, but not one progression. I knew from doctors that this might be an issue because of past eating disorders, but I was not prepared for the reality of it. To be so close and to have it not turn out the way that I want it to is so frustrating. People ask if I am pregnant yet and I have the hardest time responding to that question. Do I tell them all the troubles that I have gone through with this? Do I tell them that I had a few positive tests, only to obviously fail at something I desperately want? I want to scream that "I AM TRYING! BUT OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A CHILD!" Because that is how I feel. I have tried talking to doctors. I can't really talk to my friends (they are all single and often drunk, so I have been avoiding them for a while). I have tried talking to a shrink. I do talk to my Husband, and he is wonderful, but I feel bad bringing up my sadness every day when all he wants is to make me happy. I started trolling baby websites, looking for anything baby related so that I could pretend for a minute that I could think about baby things. This was how I came across your blog and how I realized that maybe what I need is Faith...which is why I am writing you.

I was so happy to find your blog. I was not nearly as close to meeting a child as you, but you seem to feel everything that I can't describe. Your blog came to me at exactly the right time, which is something that I can only assume was meant to happen. The problem is that my mind is screaming that it was dumb luck. My head is telling me that life does not work like that. I want to believe, but for some reason I just can't let go. Which brings you to my question: Where do you find Faith? What I mean is: I have read some scriptures. Parts of the Bible, The Koran, even the Book of Mormon (I live in Salt Lake City- land of the LDS). The scriptures that most resonate with me are the ones you post on your website. Where do these come from? and a bigger question (for me anyway) is how does one go about finding God? I have tried a few churches here and there, but nothing seems to "fit". I want to have Faith as you do, but I have no idea how to find it.

I understand if you are unable to respond to this email. I appreciate it if you made it this far in reading. If you are able to find the time to answer, I would be most thankful. If you are not able to answer, then I will not take it as a sign not to pursue faith. Rest assured, your words will not make or break my search, they would only help me in it. I also know that this is a heavy subject and will understand if you are not wanting to respond. Either way, I thank you for reading.

Sincerely,
Crystal Black
Salt Lake City, UT"

***

Moments before I received this email I was heading off to bed.  However as I read Crystal's words I knew I had to reply right away.  Below was my reply sent at 1:33AM:

Oh dear sweet Crystal,
I was just getting ready to head off to bed tonight when I saw your email in my in-box.  I couldn't’t go to bed with your email unanswered.  My heart aches for you.  The longing that you describe and the aching and emptiness that you feel need to be filled, needs answers.  The good news is I can say with total assurance that there is a God that is very real.  I can totally appreciate your analytical mind as I also am analytical.  I believe that understanding God takes faith but fortunately God is also able to prove himself real through logical reasoning.   I hope that you are sitting comfortably in a good spot with a cup of tea because the questions you posed are the most important questions you could possibly ask in life and it is very important to me that you get the answers you are looking for.  Please keep in mind that I myself am totally imperfect and while I will do by best to answer you as clearly as I can, only God can do that perfectly so I will be incorporating a lot of passages from the Bible to help show you where I am getting my information from (you asked where I get my Scriptures from, they are all from the Bible).

You ask “Where do I find Faith?”, great question!  I had another blog reader ask me this question a while back.  I am not sure if you happened to have read this post or not.  You can find my answer to this question here on my blog [in my email to Crystal I copied and pasted the contents of this post in with my email but for the sake of space here I will simply provide the link].

You also asked, “How does one go about finding God?” wow, another great question! 

The awesome thing about God is that he CAN be found.  The bible says, “Now without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently search for him.”  (Hebrews 11:6)  It also says, “Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.” (Matthew 7:7) 

I love to look to God’s creation for all the amazing things he put in place as proof of his existence.  When he created the universe, he paid attention to detail!  He made the Earth at the exact distance needed from the sun in order to allow us the right amount of heat to sustain life without consuming it.  He created the Earth with the exact tilt needed to provide us with seasons which could support vegetation to support the animals and humans and provide oxygen to the atmosphere.  The earth’s exact tilt is stabilized because of the orbit of our moon.  Our moons position causes the tides in the sea.  The plants on earth produce oxygen and take in carbon dioxide, we in turn take in oxygen and give off carbon dioxide supporting each other.  There are even small details such as birds that have a beak that is the exact length of the petals from which they suck out their nectar (the Erythrina plant from South America).  Nursing mothers find that the distance from their shoulder to their elbow is the exact distance needed to bring the baby right to their breast when cradled in their arm.  Every detail is taken care of!  Everywhere you look there is evidence of God. 

BUT knowing that there IS a God isn’t the same as being known BY God right?  It is one thing to know that there is a president of the United States, it is quite another to be known by the president.  When God created the earth, he declared his creation to be “good”, however when he created human life, he determined to create us in “His own image” and then he blessed the man and woman he created and told them to “fill the earth, to subdue it and rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the sky and every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-31)  We are the reason that God created the Earth, it is for us!  A God that loves us enough to create an amazingly complex, highly organized habitat wants us to know about him in perhaps a similar way that your husband seeks to show you his love by doing things to take care of you.  God is able to carry this out perfectly.  God wants you to find him and I believe that it is no accident that you came across my blog when you did and are asking these questions today.

First of all Crystal, I want you to know that God LOVES you.  Not only does he love you, he really likes you:).  Sometimes we hear so many times that God loves us, that thinking about the fact that God really likes us too can be almost more powerful, I think.  There is nothing you can do to earn that love, He gives it freely and fully.  Honestly, that is where the truth of Jesus Christ and the Bible stands out against all other “religions”.  All other “religions” want to make a way for you to earn your salvation or your way to heaven.  But the truth is that you don’t have to wait until you have it “all together” before reaching out to God.  None of us could ever approach him if this was the case.  God is here for you today, right now.  If you will allow me to, I would like to share 8 Bible passages with you that can help clarify God’s love for you and what you can do about it.

The first passage in scripture that I would like to share with you is found in Romans 3:23  This passage says:  “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.”  Basically what this passage is saying is that we all suck:)!  Every person that has ever lived needs God, we simply can’t do it on our own, we all make mistakes (we all sin), continuously and we need help. 

Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages (consequences) of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  It makes sense that the God that created us would know how to help us right?  That he would be the one to care the most about us, his creation.  So what did God do to help us?  How can all these people be made right with God?  Remember that God is perfect and has never sinned.  So what was needed was a way for sinful people to be able to be made right, for their sin to be removed so that we could have a relationship with a perfect God.  The only way to do this was for God to make an amazing sacrifice.  He allowed his son, Jesus Christ who was also free of sin, to die on a cross as a replacement for us.  When Jesus died he took on himself all the sins of the world so that we could have the freedom to approach God directly, without fear.

Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 3:16 also says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  Knowing about God isn’t a replacement for having a relationship with him.  God made a huge sacrifice in allowing his son to die for us.  What he asks for in return is our faith, our trust in him.

Romans 10:9 says “If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” All we have to do is believe, that is it, believe it in your heart and say it with your mouth that Jesus is Lord.  It is amazingly simple right?  We (people) like to complicate things but God is straightforward and clear.  We are sinful, we need help.  He loves us and wants to help.  He is perfect, we are not.  He allowed a way for us to come to him though the death (and later resurrection) of his perfect son, Jesus. He waits for us to call out to him for help.  When we do, when we can say “God I need you, I can’t do it on my own.  I know I am a sinner, I make mistakes.  You are perfect, you are God.  I believe in you.  I believe you sent your son to die for me.  I believe that Jesus not only died but he rose from the dead.  You are powerful and can do all things. I want you to be Lord of my life.  Please help me, please forgive me, forgive my sin.  I choose to live for you, I don’t want to live this life on my own anymore, I give it to you.” then we trade our life without hope for a life filled with hope and a future of eternal life in heaven. 

Romans 5:1 has this wonderful message about what happens after we accept God’s salvation: "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."  Through Jesus Christ we can have a relationship of peace with God.  True peace Crystal, the kind of assurance that no matter what comes our way, we have someone solid to cling to, someone much, much bigger than us, someone that LOVES us, the one that created us.

Romans 8:1 teaches us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Because of Jesus' death on our behalf, we will never be condemned for our sins.  This means that the mistakes we have made, the sinful acts that we have done are not held against us, we are fully forgiven by God.  This does not mean that we will no longer sin because we will, it doesn’t mean that we won’t have to experience consequences for our sins because often we will, it means we have someone to go to with our sin.  We can continue to go to God at anytime and ask him to forgive us and he will.

Finally, we have this precious promise of God from Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Basically this means that there is not ANYTHING that can keep God from loving us, nothing.

Crystal, God loves you very much.  I simply couldn’t hold back from sharing the story of his love with you.  The truth is God is ready at anytime, in any place for you to reach out to him.  The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to take action.  Don’t just agree that there is a God, choose to make him YOUR God, tell him you need him and invite him to be an active part of your life.  Ask him to show himself to you and then  be ready to see it when he does!

I don’t know if you have time to listen to sermons on line or not but I have been really, really loving the sermon series that was just being taught at our church lately.  They were talking about how to know that God is real and that the Bible is the true authority (as opposed to say the Book of Mormon which you mentioned in your email).  The way they are doing the sermons is very mentally stimulating because they use so much great logic and proof, it is great for giving you confidence in God’s word.  I really think you would really enjoy it especially hearing that you are a logical thinker like I am.  You can click here http://www.reallifeministries.com/sermons_current and then on the sermons from the “Expelled” series.  If you listen to any of them, let me know what you think ok?

I would love to know your thoughts on all of this, do you have questions?  Does this begin to answer what you were asking?  Let me know.  Do you mind if I send you a bible?   It would be my honor.  You are and will continue to be in my prayers Crystal.

***

The following day Crystal wrote back with this email:

"Wonderful, Wonderful Heather,

I can not thank you enough for answering my question. You have made me wonder about everything that my mind has ever said is truth. This is a very good thing, because that is what I think I was searching for. You answered everything that I asked and more. You gave me so much more that I ever could have expected or dreamed of. Your answer was so perfect, and I am so grateful to you.

I began to question WHY I did not believe. Why couldn't I say that the Bible is true? Why couldn't I say that Jesus Christ lived? Why? Because I was terrified. Saying those things, believing those things, means that I am not in complete control of my life. It means that there is someone else who knows what my purpose is. I always thought that there was no purpose. That all of life is a random accident. I know now that I was running scared. I worked all those Sundays so that I wouldn't have to face myself. So I wouldn't have to relinquish my control.

I read your message many many many times. Over and over again your words made me feel so light. I cried and cried, but then I read it again. Each time that I read your words that there is nothing that can keep God from loving me, I felt so free. I was always afraid that my sins would be too great. Your message gave me assurance that it is okay if I sin. That it will happen and that God will still love me. This also made me feel so much lighter and sounds too good to be true.

I thought about the words that you suggested. I sat on my floor, in a corner of my home, and thought about how easy it would be to just say those words. I felt myself being pulled in two directions. On one side, it felt like I was getting lighter, that I was feeling warmer. On the other side, it felt like I was being pulled. It was cold, and dark, and felt...scary. I said those words and I felt like my arm was ripped away from whatever was holding me back. I felt lighter and I felt like I was HAPPY. I cried till I felt I had no more tears, but I have not felt that kind of peace, well, ever. I feel that I had a piece of me given back that I didn't even know was missing.

You asked if I have questions and I have to say yes. I hate to take any more of your time, and I am sorry to intrude on your life, but where do I go from here?

You asked if you could send me a Bible and I have to say that you seem so full of grace and love, I would be honored to receive a Bible from you. And I feel so unworthy of being in your prayers. Thank you so very much for taking the time (a lot of time, I assume) to respond to my questions. I apologize if my email kept you from sleep, but you have to know that your reply has probably changed the course of my life forever and I will be forever grateful for the reply and your prayers.

Thank you so much, Heather. Truly you have changed me.
-Crystal"

***

Crystal's reply (you can see her sweet face here) brought me to tears--grateful, humble contented tears.  All I could do was offer my deep thankfulness to God for allowing me the joy to see eternal value come from my pain.  Crystal left me with another great question, "Where do I go from here?"  I will follow up with my reply to this question tomorrow.  For now, I would love for you to join me in praying for Crystal and specifically asking God to provide a mature, Christian friend to come along side her and support her as she grows in her faith.

For those of you reading who are not sure where you stand with God, I welcome you to send me questions you might have about faith and God and your concerns or questions related to this topic.  I am not a Bible scholar but I do have a trusty manual (my Bible) and am more than happy to address your questions.  I also extend the same encouragement to you as I did to Crystal--take action.  As I mentioned before, God is ready at anytime, in any place for you to reach out to him.  The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to take action.  Don’t just agree that there is a God, choose to make him YOUR God, tell him you need him and invite him to be an active part of your life.  Ask him to show himself to you and then  be ready to see it when he does!  I would love to send a Bible to you as well, if you would like one simply email me your address (heather @ mom4life.com - taking out the spaces) and I will get one in the mail right away.

What I am thankful for today:
-Evidence that God is at work despite my pain and can offer contentment regardless of my circumstances.
-The new life in Christ that Crystal has found-praise God!

Holding out for Hope by Heather Ledeboer

As time moves on and the distance between the day that I held my son Sawyer for the last time moves farther into the past, I find it increasingly difficult to put words to how I feel.  Part of this is because how I feel often doesn't change, it just repeats over and over again.  The other reason is that because I have done the majority of my writing during very “low” emotional points.  There is something about raw pain that helps bring into focus the words to express what is going on within my heart.  The positive thing that I could take from that statement is that I have not has as much “raw” pain lately.  In fact just yesterday I was wondering if I might be defaulting back into denial from time to time.  Given what I have been told about the “stages of grief”--that they are not always stages that one moves though, but often stages that one flows back and forth between--I am inclined to agree.  Of all the stages, denial is probably one of my current favorites.  Not an all out denial of the satiation, but more of a selective mental avoidance to shield myself from the pain.  As thoughts creep in that I know will be difficult I will shut them out and say essentially, “not right now, this is not a good time, come back later.”  It is very tiring to grieve, to have things you have to do each day while also having so many things going on in your heart simultaneously; I often find that I don’t have the energy for both.

I am tired.  Not physically but emotionally.  I am tired of pushing thoughts out of my mind that I have already spent so much time on.  I am tired of seeing babies and forcing my mind to think about something else so that I don’t start crying. I am tired of crying.  I am tired of trying to find the right words to explain how I am feeling.  I am tired of innocent questions asking how many kids I have causing me to try to decipher how I want to answer.  Just recently when asked this question, I answered and included the fact that we recently lost our youngest son to a stillbirth.  The mom simply responded with, “oh, do you know why he died?”  I thought to myself, “Seriously, are you sure that is how you want to respond?  You can’t even preface your curiosity with ‘I am sorry to hear that, do you know why he died?’"  I am tired of being in public with Hunter and Ashlyn and having a quick panic as I think to myself, “there should be three, where is my other child” only to remember that he is dead—it is almost laughable how often this happens and I wonder how long it will take before my sub conscious catches up to the reality of the situation.

For a long time I was able to sleep through the night without any dreams.  I am typically a dreamer so I have really enjoyed this figuring that the dreams might not be pleasant.  Since we would really like to get pregnant again I have started to have dreams at night about being pregnant.  Sometimes I am pregnant with one baby and sometimes with two.  Regardless of how many babies it is, they always die.  The sad thing is that when I wake up I go from one nightmare to another and at least I can be thankful that only one of my babies has died.

I have heard so many women who have experienced a stillbirth speak of the special healing that has come from being pregnant and having a healthy baby.  One mom said, “The twins will never replace Nathan. However, they have provided joy that seems to cover the emptiness he left. It seemed like there was a huge gray rain cloud over my head after losing Nathan and having another child brought the sun out again. Another child didn’t replace him, but it somehow allowed me to go on with life again.”  Another said, “It’s like there is another little joy and person to HOLD and TALK to and whisper in their little ear how much they mean to you and how grateful you are for them. That is one of the things that happens, you become SO incredibly grateful for the next child.  Grateful that they are OK that they are alive that you are holding them in your arms and so now all the empty arms and the sadness is overshadowed by the JOY/THANKFULNESS of this new baby!  Of course I still miss Brittney and my heart does hurt (no longer stabbing pain) when I think about her not being here BUT I am so thankful for little Katie and who she is and what she represents in Mason and my life.  In the stillborn world they call the next child after a stillbirth the “rainbow” child.  Fitting.”  This mom asked her husband what it meant to him to have another child after they lost their daughter and she said that for him “Having another child brought a balance to the tragedy.  He can look at Katie and it brings a balance to Brittney’s death (we wouldn’t have had Katie if she lived) I guess bringing balance to such a horrible thing makes it not hurt as much.”

Hearing things like this only cause my heart to yearn stronger for another baby.  I could wrap it all up in one word: HOPE.  Right now I can look forward to seeing Sawyer in heaven, I can look at the blessings that we have experienced though his death, I can read the special emails that I have held on to that tell of ways that his life has touched others, I can be thankful for the increased and intense appreciation that I now have of my loved ones and especially my children but all of these things are rooted so firmly in the pain of our loss.   I want a “joy that covers the emptiness”.  I want my sadness to be “overshadowed by the JOY/THANKFULLNESS of a new baby.”  I want “balance to the tragedy”.   I want something to look forward to, something to make me smile when my mind drifts, and something to hope for again.

I love the honestly, insight and hope found in the Bible to remind me that I am not alone in my pain.
 
Job said:  "What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?” (Job 6:11).  “Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me?” (Job 17:15)   The word hope is used over and over in the book of Job.  Job lost more than I can imagine and was caught up in the very same thing that I am, a need for hope.  His epilogue reads this way, "The LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. . . The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first." (Job 42:10 and 12)
 
A childless mother in the Bible said: “don’t deceive me and get my hopes up like that.” When she was told “Next year at this time you will be holding a son in your arms!” (2 Kings 4:16b)  Her arms were filled the next year.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  (Proverbs 13:12)

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

How to help a grieving friend (part 2) by Heather Ledeboer

I got the following email last Thursday:

Heather, I learned of your story 3 months ago, from a mutual friend. . . I have been following your blog ever since and am amazed at your strength and faith. Yesterday I received a call from a family friend in Arizona. Her daughter found out that at 37 weeks her baby no longer has a heartbeat. She was induced yesterday at 2:30pm and is currently waiting to deliver her son. She is 30 years old and this is her first baby. She is being incredibly strong but I don't think the realization has set in yet. I spoke to her Mom again today and she asked me if I know of any support groups for Moms who have lost their baby. I immediately thought of you. Do you know of any nationwide support groups? I really appreciate your help. I am going to pass your blog on to my friend when she is ready. Thank you for sharing your story and for being someone I feel comfortable enough to ask for help.  Sincerely, Renee

I asked if she would be willing to let me post her email and my reply in the chance that it might be helpful to someone else as well.  I realize that some of this info has been touched on before in other posts but I would rather risk saying something twice if it would be helpful to someone.  If any of you have something to add to my suggestions, please leave a comment:

Dear Renee,
I am so so sorry to hear of your friends loss.  You are likely right about it not fully hitting her yet.  For me, I simply felt numb for the first month or so and then the reality of the long term loss that we experienced really started to settle in.  The numbness and the pain both hurt, just in different ways.  I have two resources that come to mind (although I know there are likely MANY others):

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/ this website is basically a directory that has lists of blogs, books, websites etc.

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/ this is a support website for infant loss.  They also have a monthly newsletter that they send out and it has message boards.

http://www.hannah.org/ Christian support for fertility challenges (including infertility or the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy).

You might also want to re-read this blog post: http://mom4life.typepad.com/mom_4_life/2008/08/how-to-help-a-g.html

If you have a chance to talk to her before she delivers, encourage her to consider taking LOTS of photos.  You might look into this http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ for her (they will take photos for free) or even touch up her photos if I remember correctly.  Have her consider taking hand/foot impressions, cutting a lock of hair, taking as much time as she wants to hold her baby, dress her baby, bath her baby (I wished I would have taken time to sing to my baby and I wished I would have taken a photo of his hand in the I LOVE YOU sign language symbol).  She doesn’t have to give her baby “up” until she is ready.  Most funeral homes will offer their services for free for infant deaths.  She may want to dress her baby in a special outfit.  We had a special blanket that we held Sawyer in and then kept and it is special to us now.  I didn’t do this because we wanted to test my placenta but I had considered keeping my placenta, freezing it and then later when I was ready, thawing it and using paint on the outside of it to make an impression on a piece of paper.  The impression would look a lot like a tree because of the blood vessels and such and it can make a very unique meaningful piece of art that can be framed.  She could then bury the placenta under a special remembrance tree in her yard perhaps.

I hope that helps some.  I would welcome you (or her) to call me if needed or send an email if more questions come up.  I would also encourage you to take note of the date of delivery and reach out to her on that day each month to let her know you remember and that you haven’t forgotten her child.  Also, reach out to her on Mother’s day.  It will be especially hard for her as this was her first child and she may not really know where she “fits”, assure her that she IS a mother.

Something that I wear that is special to me is a necklace with my son’s name and birthdate on it.  You might consider giving this to her for a special occasion or just because.  There are some examples here:
http://www.mom4life.com/catalog.php?item=984
http://www.babyemijewelry.com/preciousmetalscollectioncoppernecklaces-c-41_45.html?zenid=63ea9a793883e6d1f1eab000f05b18cc 
If you order off of the second site (Baby Emi), let the owner know (Debbie) what the necklace is for and that I referred you.  She has made one for me and also for another friend of mine that lost a baby and she will appreciate knowing what the necklace is for.

Babies, Bellies and The Polar Express by Heather Ledeboer

Have you seen the movie The Polar Express?  If you have, than you will remember toward the end of the movie when the main character is at the North Pole and everyone is waiting for Santa to arrive.  When Santa arrives, the waiting crowd celebrates, is overcome with excitement and everyone is enjoying the sound of Santa's sleigh bells.  Everyone that is, except the main character, who is the only one that cannot hear the beautiful bells.  You can tell that this poor boy is visibly upset and frustrated that everyone around him is intently enjoying something that he cannot.

Lately I can relate a lot to this boy and his feelings of being the only one not able to fully appreciate an otherwise joyful situation.  On my "due date" I shared how I had been longing to hold a newborn baby and just pretend that the previous three weeks had never happened.  I wanted desperately to try to escape my own reality and make believe that my arms were holding not just a baby, but my baby.  I wanted to remember that feeling, the warmth, the little sounds and movements, even if it was only for a brief span of time.  As weeks passed however, this desire to escape my reality was slowly replaced by a desire to avoid my reality.  Instead of wanting to see and hold a newborn, I began to want to avoid them all together.  Ideally not just newborns, but babies in general and not just babies but pregnant mothers as well (particularly those in their last trimester).  Admittedly, this type of avoidance would be a challenging task for moms in general, especially those of childbearing age.  But you can likely expect that for someone such as myself who owns a website for pregnant moms and their babies, the degree of difficulty rises a few more notches.  My day is saturated with babies and pregnant mommies: I get emails to consider new products for babies, I am sent Pregnancy, Pregnancy & Newborn, Parents, Parenting and American Baby magazines in the mail, I have pregnant friends, pregnant customers, I see pregnant moms and babies in town, at the store, at the park, sitting in front of me at church. . .

Along with the images of seeing babies and pregnant moms come the stories: the birth stories, the stories of being up all night with their crying baby. . . my mind cries out "I would give anything to have a birth story that ended with a crying baby right now.  I would LOVE to be up all night with my baby."  I totally get that the women that share these stories are simply addressing their "reality" and I know if I were in their shoes I would be doing the exact same thing.  I just wish I could enter back into that life and because I am not there, I have a hard time listening to someone else's reminders of what I don't have.  I wish my biggest problem was a clogged milk duct or colic or . . . well you get the idea.

The feelings that assault me are frustratingly complex (I envy that they have a baby while I simply hold a memory.  I feel guilty that I am jealous.  I am sad that I cannot fully enter into their joy as I once could. . . ) but at the same time honestly simple (I want what I don't have, a living baby).  It took some time for me to really process my feelings in this area and it wasn't until friends started asking me things like "did it bother you to be around that baby today?" that I began to identify where I am at in this area.  At first, I really wanted to approach it from a logical standpoint and be able to mentally separate myself enough from my own reality that I wouldn't be bothered by babies and very pregnant moms but I began to realize that doing this was making things even more painful than they needed to be.  What was I trying to prove, that I was immune to an emotional response related to the death of my own baby?  What good would that do?

As I have worked though this topic I have realized that there is no avoiding it all together--but, I can minimize my interaction as much as possible.  I discovered that thankfully the degree of pain is considerably less when my "baby interaction" is "work related" and via email, Internet or magazine.  Here I have the freedom to face it later, turn it off, put it down or simply walk away.  It is most difficult in person and especially when it is someone that I was pregnant “together” with in which we had sort of a shared journey that ended so differently than expected for me and now they are continuing on the journey I had hoped for without me.  I think the thing that has helped me the most in this area is open communication. 

-It has been incredibly helpful to talk with other moms who have also lost a baby and know that my feelings are very normal.  It is validating to hear someone else voice the same struggle.  A good friend of mine (who also experienced a stillbirth) shared with me that she had no desire to hold or even be around another baby until the time that she was finally holding her own LIVING baby in her arms.

-I have really appreciated friends who are willing to ask me how I am feeling in this area especially if we are in a situation where this has or may come up.  The degree of difficulty changes a bit from day to day so knowing that others are aware of or being sensitive to this is very meaningful.

-I have some truly amazing friends that have taken an extra step to show how much they are aware of the pain that I am feeling in this area.  One pregnant friend expressed this in an email to me after we were openly discussing my inner struggle: "Somehow I feel like you are able to have the pain, jealousy, and avoidance necessary in your own grief while there is a separated space that you just love me and wish happiness for me even though YOU don't feel happy by our event.  It is 100% okay with me if you don't pretend to be excited for the birth or send happy notes of congrats or even read our blog.  I just hope and pray with all my heart that I not cause YOU more pain.  I love you and I want to take away your hurt, not intensify it."  There is understanding and freedom in those words and I was so touched by her willingness to try to understand my pain in such a selfless way.  Another friend told me that although her and her husband are starting to talk about getting pregnant again, she wanted to know how I thought that might impact me if she were to get pregnant before I did.  She went on to say that she would be willing to consider postponing trying to get pregnant if it would be too painful for me.  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  I could never ask for friends that are more sensitive and loving than that.

So there you have it, that is my current struggle and one that I expect to be living with for a while.  I was emailing with a friend and sharing these thoughts with her.  I explained that I haven't blogged about it because it feels so complex and I just haven't come up with the right words to try to explain it in the way I want to.  She wrote back and told me, "As far as your blog is concerned, I know that you're always trying to express yourself clearly for your readers.  Who wouldn't?  . . . My point is that it should be used to get YOU through this experience, without having to worry about how it SOUNDS or if it makes sense.  It's real and YOU understand it.  Your primary concern is healing YOU.  All of your blog readers are there to support you, no matter HOW your words adequately depict your feelings.  That should be the least of your concerns."  She hits on some interesting points.  As a Christian, I want to be both real and transparent about my struggles, but at the same time I don't want to let my emotions run rampid and unchecked by scripture.  2 Corinthians 10:3-6 says, "The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity." (this is a paraphrase Scripture from The Message).  I guess what I am saying is that although my feelings and reactions are arguably logical or understandable I want to make it clear that I recognize that I am not perfect, I am sinful.  It is my desire to be both honest about my struggles and open to growing through them.  This particular blog topic is a tough one for me because although I have struggled with many things, jealousy and envy have not previously been on my list.  Oh sure I have wished for things that others had but they were fleeting thoughts.  This is different, it is not fleeting.  It is hard to have these emotions, knowing that they are considered "normal" but yet still feel uneasy about having them because after all, "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy. . ." 1 Corinthians 13

Life keeps moving by Heather Ledeboer

This weekend we celebrated our son Hunter's fifth birthday.  We (and when I say we, I mean Trent) had a good excuse to set up our trampoline (that was toppled by the wind last summer and had been disassembled and confined to storage since).  Given the fact that we are still working on our landscaping, we had limited preparation to do in the "yard".  No grass to mow (although Trent did mow the weeds last week-thank you honey), I resorted to watering down the gravel where we set up chairs and a table for food in order to wash off the dust from when it had been dumped and spread.  During our party prep time I also did a little cleaning in the Mom 4 Life office and let Hunter "help" me by shredding paper with our paper shredder.  He LOVED this job.  So much so that later that night during the party he kept trying to sneak back into the office to do more shredding!  Let's see, playing with friends, opening presents, bouncing on the trampoline or. . . shredding paper. . . you gotta love that kid.

Five things Hunter loves lately:
1) sticker books
2) playing wii (seriously you would think the kid plays this all day the way he talks about mario and peach and bowser but I swear we limit it!)
3) walking on the rocks outside our house (we have rocks lining our future flower beds and he loves to walk on them balancing bearfoot)
4) Helping (he LOVES to help dad build things by handing him the tools and parts that are needed next)
5) riding on the roller coaster rides at Silverwood (he can't wait until he grows 4 more inches so he can ride ALL the roller coasters)

Five things I love about Hunter lately:
1) The way he talks to Ashlyn in a high pitched "baby" voice when he really wants to get on her level is adorable
2) That when he gets his snack during Sunday School he almost always saves it to share with Ashlyn afterward
3) When he says "Oh I have a plan. . ." or "Actually. . ." or "That sounds awesome" or other more adult type phrases
4) That he dresses himself each morning and at least 25% of the time he comes out of his room wearning SOMETHING backwards.  When I tell him, he really dosn't mind (I try not to let it bother me either but I confess that I often help him turn it around).
5) That he is still so carefree (during his birthday party after some of the guests had gone home he suddenly had his shorts around his ankles and was peeing on the driveway--opps, we are still working on teaching that going potty is a private activity)

Life keeps moving:
Today is three months since Sawyer was born.  I saw a three month old recently and was floored by how big that baby was.  Time hasn't stood still as it seems like it should.  The summer is almost over, Hunter will soon be going to Kindergarten.  Later this month Trent and I will celebrate being married 9 years.  In two months I will turn 30. . . Today someone told me that "Part of the grieving process is not wanting to let go of the pain, because we feel if we do, we'll have nothing left."  I can relate to this although just lately, having a break from the pain sounds awfully good.

The Door by Heather Ledeboer

My friend Angie sent me a lovely care package a few weeks ago.  One of the things she included was "The Jesus Storybook Bible" for our children.  I have really enjoyed reading this to Hunter before bed at night.  One of the things I love about it is that it presents God's word in simple, straightforward words.  So much in my life feels complicated right now, I am thankful for a God that can reach me wherever I am at. 

The other night we were reading the story of Noah and the Flood.  The story spoke about a man of God, faithful to listen to his Father in Heaven instructing him to build up an ark, above those shouting distractions and insults with the intent to tear him down.  I got to the part of the story when the ark has been completed, the animals are aboard, Noah and his family are aboard, the invitation has been extended for others to enter (with no takers) and GOD SHUT THE DOOR (Genesis 7:16). This struck me on a few levels.  One, because I imagined the immense size of the ark and therefore the massive door needing to be closed.  I will admit that I don't know enough about the ark's blueprints to comprehend if the task of shutting the door was at all a thought in Noah's mind or not.  But, GOD TOOK CARE OF IT.  The second thing that struck me is that God knows the future and He knew when it was time to close the door.  His plan was to protect Noah and his family.  He knew how long the door could be open and at what point he needed to shut them in to protect and KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THE STORM.  That is my God.  My God is powerful, able to create the world with the mere mention of His thoughts.  Yet he is compassionate and caring, wanting to keep His children protected.  Being protected is different than being free of pain.  It is the difference between experiencing a storm in a small canoe, trapped in the middle of a raging sea or from the warmth of the lighthouse on the shore.

Thank you God for watching the storm on my behalf and being my lighthouse.  Thank you for making provisions to keep our family safe in your protection.  Thank you for shutting the door at times when we can't take anymore from the outside and being our safe refuge.

"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1

How to help a grieving friend by Heather Ledeboer

I was recently contacted by someone looking for advice on how to help her friend whoes son died in an accidental drowning.  My heart goes out to this mom and I think this is a really great topic to focus on specifically even though it has been touched on in other posts.  Below is my reply but I think it would be super if you want leave a comment below letting us know of other ideas or things that others may have done for you personally that meant a lot in your time of need.

A few suggestions I thought of:

-Rather than saying “Let me know what I can do to help you.” say “What can I do to help you today?” Because it is hard to reach out to ask for help especially when you need it most.

-Make sure to record the date her child died and the birthday of her child so that you can remember it each year and send a card or call her or ask if she wants to visit the grave with you etc. . .

-Organize meals and spread them out every few days providing a mix of fresh food and frozen dishes that she can pull out as needed.

-Don’t avoid talking about her child.  Avoiding it all together will make her feel like it was forgotten.  Use her child’s name whenever appropriate, it will feel good to hear the name spoken.
-Be there (in person if possible).  Even if it just means sitting in silence with them (and let them know you are ok with that).
-Pray for them and let them know how you are praying for them (or even better with them in person).  Ask them how you can best pray for them.

The book "Tear Soup" has some good suggestions in the back too.  Here are some of the suggestions:
*Be there for your friend, even when you don’t understand.

*Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing and crying.

*Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.

*Allow your friend to make mistakes . . . or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve (A personal note from me on this: This is not the time to split hairs over unimportant issues, it will only be hurtful to your friend and hurts during this fragile time can be very hard to recover from).

*Send flowers.  Send money if you know this would help.

*Send cards.  The message doesn’t need to be long.  Just let them know you haven’t forgotten them.  Send one every few weeks for a while.

*Call your friend.  Don’t worry about being a bother.  Let your friend tell you if they don’t want to talk about their loss right now.

*Answering machines and email are great ways to keep in touch allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.

*Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes.  This only invalidates grief.  Be patient.  Don’t try to rush your friend through their grief. (A personal note: the responses that often meant the most to me were simply, "I am SOOOO sorry" and a big hug--nothing fancy, just sincere).

*Gift your friend permission to grieve in front of you.  Don’t change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.

*Ask them questions.  But don’t tell them how they should feel.

*Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would.  Let them decide if they don’t want to attend.

*Don’t assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.

*Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

Lastly, I have posted a link to this article before but it is good enough to do again.  If you know someone who has lost a baby or a child, I found the suggestions here on what to say very wise.

Aftershock by Heather Ledeboer

As many of you know, we live in a very small town with a population tipping the scales somewhere in the upper 700's.  Oddly enough, we also have a theme park about 10 minutes away--the biggest in the Northwest.  Moving from Southern California, we were pretty excited to have something "Disneylandish" near us (the kids were excited about that too;).  This summer we have visited on numerous occasions.  One of these visits was just two days before we received the news that Sawyer had died.  It was a hot, sunny Saturday and as we walked from ride to ride I repeatedly had to explain to Hunter why I was not able to go on the rides with him.  We treated ourself to an ice cream cone. Hunter was served a time-out (his particular crime now excapes me) and cried because he had to wait to take his next bite of Huckleberry Delight.  It was also on this day that I began to notice that I hadn't felt much (if any) movement from my baby.

You might wonder why, if I wasn't feeling movement, I didn't go to have it checked out right away.  I now wonder this too but as I have mentioned in a previous post, I am optimistic by nature and figured Sawyer was just getting cramped in his little space at the end of my pregnancy with less room to move.  He had also been less active in general from our first two children and, finally, I thought perhaps he had just shifted with his limbs facing toward my spine where perhaps I wouldn't feel as much kicking.  I WAS having contractions here and there and this "movement" also threw off my radar.  Anyway. . . returning to this theme park always brings back some memories for me. . .

During our most recent visit (Tuesday) we planned to ride the new roller coaster that just opened.  It is named Aftershock.  As the website explains, "This 191 foot tall beast is really two thrills in one, because not only does it take you forwards through a cobra roll and inverted loop at over 65 mph, but backwards as well!  Once you board, the cars will slowly move backwards up the starting tower until you’re staring straight at the ground at nearly 190 feet in the air. Then gravity will take over and pull you 177 feet straight down as you reach speeds of 65 miles per hour! You’ll twist and turn though mind-blowing loops and rolls until you reach the second tower. This time, you’ll be looking at the sky as the coaster pulls you upward at a 90 degree angle, only to release and send you barreling through the whole thing backwards!"  To view a video of it, click here.

 

Trent and I stood in line for this massive metal beast for at least 30-40 min (our kids were in another part of the park with friends--we were going to take turns and later let them ride it while we watched their kids).  We had finally made it far enough through the line to be in the "official" winding-line-waiting area when we were informed that the ride had been temporally shut down for maintenance.  Some of the safety bars were stuck (in the down position) and they were going to work on fixing it and it was up to us if we were going to wait.  Sadly looking behind us at all the progress we had made moving up in the line, we bowed out and walked away, only to see the coaster start back up again not 5 minutes later :( . . .

As you may have noticed, I have not posted much in the way of "personal" thoughts lately.  Simply put, I have had very little to say or at least, no proper words to help me articulate.  As I once told a friend, writing is for me, therapeutic.  However, in many ways it is also my tribute to the story of my son Sawyer and the story that is being woven by God through my pain.  I don't feel content to simply draft a blog post stating how I am feeling.  Instead I want to wait until I am inspired to expand on those feelings in a way that is slightly more poignant in order to feel I am giving due justice to the situation at hand.  Thinking back over this roller coaster experience and how I have been feeling lately has, I believe, allowed me to perhaps find a way to illustrate "how I am doing" as of late.

When I wake up in the morning I generally arise with optimism and hope for a good day.  I am "in line".  It amazes how often the movement of the line is halted.

-Someone asks my son if he has any brothers or sisters (halt)
-Someone emails me remembering that I was due in May and unknowingly offers their congratulations (halt)
-Someone sees me at the store and asks how my baby is (halt)

Some days the line simply never seems to move. 

Other days, progress is made and I am actually able to reach the front of the line and sit down to enjoy a ride.  What a great day: enjoyable moments with my family, beautiful scenery, lovely friendships, fun connections though work. . . even the thoughts of Sawyer are more pleasant than painful and welcomed to mingle among the other pleasantries of the day.  For those of you who watched the video through the link above, this is the first half of the ride.

Then there are the days where all seems to be crusing along at a pleasant pace when, suddenly, everything is thrown into reverse--the second half of the ride.

-I see a photo of a baby born days away from my due date and can't believe how big Sawyer would be if he were alive when my memory of him is only that of a small 4 lb. newborn.
-I watch Hunter and Ashlyn lovingly interact with a older baby and think about the brother they can't enjoy.
-I see Ashlyn grow frustratingly angry at a younger child taking her toy and think that she was supposed to learn additional lessons about sharing with Sawyer.
-I talk to a friend nearing the end of her pregnancy and feel jealous that she will soon hold a living baby while I hold a memory, sad that we won't be able to share "baby stories" and frustrated that my joy for her is clouded by my mixed emotions of extreme pain.

It is this part of the ride that I hate the most.  It throws me backward, reeling, turning, twisting and recounting.  I get swept up in the unexpected suddenness of the reverse motion and can't see where I am going. 

Unlike "Aftershock", my ride stops at different places each time allowing me to exit. 

-Sometimes it is in a teary prayer.
-Sometimes it is in an encouraging email.
-Sometimes it is a good night sleep.
-Sometimes it is a phone call with a friend.
-Sometimes it is in a Bible passage.

And unlike a theme park, I don't return home at the end of the day.  I simply exit my seat, circle around and find my place back at the end of the line, awaiting my next ride.  Ultimately this is the most difficult part for me.  It is the moment where I remember that for the first time in my life I am living through something that (in this lifetime) does not fall under the "this too shall pass" category.

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. . . A time to cry and a time to laugh.  A time to grieve and a time to dance."  Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4