The Surging Sea by Heather Ledeboer

We went to church today (I started writing this post on 5/11).  As I walked in the door someone on staff gave me a sort of knowing look and reached out to stroke my arm gently as I passed and I thought "ok I am going to be a weeping mess before I even get to a seat to sit down".  In reality I did quite well as I am sure I was sitting for at least a full 2 minutes before I was again ready to burst into tears.  Afterward several of our friends told us that they were so surprised and glad to see us there so soon, I felt like "Where else would I rather be?"

In trying to come up with a way to describe why we decided to go rather than stay home, I thought of this: Have you ever tried to go swimming in a cold lake or ocean?  If so, are you the type of person to slowly walk out a few feet, stand there until all that is under the water is numb, take a few more steps, repeat the process and continue until you are standing chest deep, arms raised high out of the water wondering why you even started this process because you still don't want to get your head wet?  Or do you run and dive in deciding to just get the shock over with so you can start enjoying the water?  I think in the past I was much more of a take it slow and get used to it before going further type of person.  In this experience, I have decided to take more of a run and jump in sort of attitude.  I am willing to run and dive into the pain out of faith that God will bring me to the surface again.  I know it is going to be painful but I am not alone, there are others in the water, many of them have faced pain of their own.  I can see that they have not drowned.  I trust God to keep me safe.

Psalm 89:8-9  "O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you. You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them."

I am amazed at how so many of you have reached out in love to our family with prayers, emails, comforting words and most of you have never met us in person.  I am so blessed that my "work emails" have almost stopped altogether.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful, knowledgeable staff that can take care of just about anything that might need to be done allowing our family time to process this change in our lives.  I have a folder in my in-box named "Sawyer" and I create "rules" so that emails pertaining to him are filed in that folder automatically.  There are somewhere around 600 emails in that folder so far.  600 emails filled with love, encouragement and support!

As I read through the emails, I flag some of them if they have something I want to go back and remember to read again later.  So many of you have eamailed your stories of loss that echo the pain I feel and I just wish we could reach out and embrace each other in person and they just bring healing tears to my eyes.  Some days I am able to read them all, other days I don't.  I have about 130 emails that I haven't read just yet but I know they are waiting and ready whenever I am.  Reading them is a nice form of gentle therapy.  I can take it in small or large doses.  I can linger as long as I want and I can walk away encouraged and loved.  Thank you for being a part of the process that will bring healing.  Some of you that have blogs have posted about our journey and asked your readers to pray for us.  I have seen some of these blog posts (such as this one from a few days ago or this one that I found today that brought sweet tears to my eyes).  It is so deeply touching to be blessed to find other people that are willing to take this journey with us.  A dear friend told me today that she has felt as though she has been literally carrying this burden with me this week.  She has been so emotionally affected by it and has just been praying for us all the time.  What a sweet balm to my soul, how could I possibly have better friends and support than that?  I feel so humbled by it all. 

In the process I am learning too--learning through my pain how to be a better support to others in times of their pain.  For instance:

-I didn't realize how wonderful it would feel to read and hear others use Sawyer's name.  Every time I hear it or read it, I find that it reinforces his place in our lives and reminds me that even though he is not here in my arms now, he is part of our family and had an important role to play in our lives. 
-I didn't know how nice it would be to have friends willingly take action to check in with phone calls, visits and emails.  I know the tendency is likely to keep a distance out of fear of what to say or not say or because you don't want to be a bother or interrupt, but for me it is a comfort to know that others are here to help and that they are willing to be a part of the healing process, whatever that looks like.
-As time more time passes and the fresh reality of what has happened in our family moves into the background of other's lives, I can see that it will also be nice to have people still willing to ask about how our process of healing is going.  Remembering to ask about it next year at this time will likley be very meaningful as well.
-Almost any atempt to reach out is appriciated.  However, comments such as "What can I do to help?"  "I want to be here for you any way that you will find helpful."  "I don't know what to say but I want you to know I am so sorry and I love you" also seem to be much more comforting than words of advice or typical poetic statements of sympanty because they seem heartfelt and reflect a true desire to be a part of the healing process rather than just put a band aid on the wound.  I came across this page a few days ago and fully agree with the suggestions for what to say or not to say to someone who has lost a baby or child.

You may have noticed that I have not followed up yet on details of Sawyer's birth.  I find it easiest to type and blog at night and I know that post will take a while.  I am thinking I will need a night that starts early for that particular post.  Thank you again to those of you who have decided to walk this road with us, I am so blessed to have you on this journey.

How you can pray:
-I can tell that milk is on the way.  Tomorrow (5/12) when I wake up (I am writing this at 1:00 AM PST) I may very well be assured that this is indeed the case.  I am going to continue taking my Parsley and Sage herbal supplements and likely try The Shower Hug for pressure and pray that it isn't as bad as I remember it to be even when I was nursing a baby.  I figure as an emergency back up I may see if Ashlyn has any interest at all in nursing again for a while.

-We go to the funeral home tomorrow (5/12) to finalize things.  I am not totally sure what that will entail but I can be pretty sure I would rather stay home in bed than go.  Pray that goes as well as it can.

Comments

[Layla]

Heather,

Everytime I think of you all I try to draw a little of your sadness into myself in the hope that it will somehow bring you momentary relief. Am praying still and lending you my strength from across the ocean. I hope the distance makes it all the stronger.

Layla
In Australia

[Carey]

Hi. Im new to your blog, and I want you to know that I will/am praying for you and your family.

[Kim]

I am praying for you and your family here in Indiana.

[Shelli]

Know that we won't forget you. This time next year I vow to be remembering Sawyer and still sending you prayers, and all through the year. Your strength is a blessing in my life, thank you so much!

[Stacey]

Heather, I'm so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now. I know you are hearing that a lot and from a stranger, it probably doesn't mean much. But, in reading, I felt I should reply to you about one thing that could make things a bit easier. It's your milk. In addition to your herbs, I have two suggestions. Cabbage leaves. They really work. Just lay them inside your bra. Take liquid calcium and vit C every 3-4 hours. I hope it's not too bad for you as the last thing you need now is physical discomfort. May God surround you with His loving arms and bring you peace and comfort.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Oh, I can't imagine. But the way you describe running into that water, I hope that despite the pain, that the feeling of diving in and letting it wash over you helps you heal and grow and feel at peace.

Love,
Steph

[Kendra]

Many prayers for your family

[jessica]

Blessings to you your family today. And yes, it IS ok to laugh today. It helps heal the soul.

[Britt Berg]

Bless bless bless bless you and your beautiful family. My heart is with you, my prayers are with you. Much love and courage your way....

Britt
Atlanta

[beth]

Sawyer has affected so many in profound ways. Again, thank you for sharing your heartfelt emotions and faith as you walk this path.

[m]

Hi Heather,
I think about you and your family all day. You are in my prayers.

I remember after some of my losses, I was devastated and continued to be an emotional wreck for a while because of the loss. My hormones were also out of whack.

You are very blessed to have such a great support system from family and friends. I will continue to pray for you.

Thank you for sharing your story. I come to your blog often for updates.

[Krista]

Heather, your comment about the joy/comfort of hearing others speak Sawyer's name brought this to mind:

A Love Song

The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Please don't keep me
From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart
And fills my soul with love.

~Nancy Williams

[Kristen Fosses]

Please know Heather that you are not alone. Our Lord is beside you helping you heal. I'd like to think that Sawyer is sleeping in Gods arms right now. I hope that brings you some comfort. My family and I will continue to pray for strength and comfort so that you and your family can start the healing process.
God Bless.

[oh amanda]

Oh Heather, I haven't been online for a couple of days. So I haven't been able to read your posts. But you have not been out of my mind or prayers.

Continuing to pray for you and your family!

[Alexia]

I haven't commented on many of your posts about Sawyer because I just don't know what to say. I've experience loss in my life and know how pat answers are totally not helpful. But I want you to know that over the past few days you and your family have been in my thoughts. Every time I think of your loss my eyes tear up. Please know that I am thinking of you all and praying that God's comforting arms surround you during this most difficult of journeys.

[Colleen]

Heather,
My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Your family has been in my thoughts since I read of your loss. But today I know that you need the strength of all of us women who may not be able to hug you in person or wipe a tear from your eye but that you know we all are giving a part of ourselves to you. I have never met you in person but feel like a friend from the guidance you give to all of the women who read your blog. You are an amazing women with a faith in God that most strive to have. Know that he will be there with you giving you the guidance you need to make it through. I will be praying for you and your family today.
Colleen

[Vanessa Chapman]

Heather,

Our family is praying for you. I am so sorry for your loss. What a blessing to know that the Lord is with you and to know that He will give you strength. May you continue to find peace in Him.

[audrey]

Oh Heather, I just heard today of your precious baby boy. I love his name, Sawyer, such a perfect name!

Yours is a path I could not imagine walking down and you seem so strong. I am afraid I would crumble...but perhaps its a strength that lays deep...only to emerge when The Lord reaches in a pulls it out of you.

I am a bit ashamed as I write this to you. I am newly expecting #8 and I have not been able to get excited about it one bit. Even though we welcome them as He gives them, I just havent been able to embrace it....I feel tired and overwhelmed, whiney.

Then I read of you and see my selfishness, my lack of trusting, lack of finding His joy in all situations. My lawfty thoughts, just assuming that this baby will be here in 7 more months.

We do not know His plans...do we?

I am praying for you and your family....may this spring season bring you beauty, warm breezes across your face and an eternal peace.

With Love
Audrey
_______________
Thank you for writing Audrey and for your prayers. I think you are right that God gives a strength that lies deep and he will carry us though anything if we only reach out to grab on to him. Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray that both of us, walking different roads than we might have laid out for ourselves will find that in the end God knew what we needed and provided it for us at the right time. May God richly bless your family and keep you and your baby safe during this pregnancy.
-Heather

[Paula]

Heather,
I know this is such a difficult time for you, but I was wondering if you've considered donating your milk? I know you are so very busy with your family and business, but... just a thought. Blessings to you.

http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com/
__________________
That is a beautiful idea that I hadn't considered, thank you for sending the link.
-Heather

[Evie]

Heather,
You and your family have been in my thoughts and in my prayers. My heart aches for you, your dear husband and children during this time. I thank you for sharing your tender moments with me as they have given me time to slow down, time to reflect and time to pray with all of my heart for you and those in my life. I thank you for simply reminding me to praise and offer up my sorrows and worry to the Lord. I continue to ask the Lord to guide you and carry you through your time of need.
God bless,
Evie

[Sherri]

Heather, I've been reading your post everyday since I learned about baby Sawyer. Your are amazing and so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for the updates. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Love,

Sherri

[Virginia]

Heather,
My heart aches for you and your family. I am praying for God's love and strength to lift you up, to embrace you, and to give you refuge.

-Virginia

[Dee F.]

Heather,
I have read your posts every day. Even though we don't know each other, I have wished that I lived closer to be able to help in some way-even if to just give you a hug. I continue to pray for you and your family as you continue on this journey. You and Sawyer have had a profound impact on my faith which I thought had been strong before. Please know that you have been an incredible messenger of God and have touched so many people by allowing all of us to follow you along this painful journey. Remember to allow yourself what you need each day, whether that be to cry, laugh, or be angry. The grieving process has no set rules and each person does it in their own way. I am happy for you that you have such a loving support system around you.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
-Dee

[ExtraordinaryMommy]

Heather~

I have not been able to get you and your family out of my mind. I have prayed for you every day since I first read about Sawyer. Our family has been praying for you nightly...and though my children don't exactly understand, they do know you are experiencing incredible sadness.

I am amazed by your ability to put your heart and soul into such beautiful words. God has certainly blessed you with an incredible inner strength. I hope that strength will continue as you work through the days and weeks to come.

Much love,

Danielle

[LeAnna C]

Heather,
My heart is crying for you as I read your blog. I am so thankful that when a little one is taken from us, he is taken into the arms of Jesus. There is no safer place. I will be praying for you. Keep trusting in the Almighty One, he is sufficient for all of our needs and will hold you every step of the way.
In Christ,
LeAnna C