The beginning of a journey by Heather Ledeboer

This is such an interesting journey.  It is is one thing to go on a trip where you have a map, a plan, a destination and you know when you have arrived, it is another to take a journey a "travel from one place to another".  A journey to me something you take without the knowledge of where you may end up, you can only look behind you to see where you have come from.

I can remember thinking to myself on more than one occasion that losing a child late in pregnancy would be one thing that I would never want to experience.  Now that I find myself in the situation I realize that we cannot choose our circumstances, only the way we respond to them and how we let them impact us.

I would not wish this on anyone but yet if it had to be the someone and God feels I can withstand this storm I want to be found faithful in the end.  I want to embrace this fully and take from it what I can.  I want to give to others what I can.  This life is temporary anyway right?  I want to be able to see things for the long term.  People tell me that they are amazed by my strength.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  It is that knowledge that there is something greater than myself at work.  It is the feeling that I was created for a purpose and I don't choose that purpose and in the same way I cannot choose the path that will enable me to fulfill that purpose.

The process of grieving is new to me.  I have been blessed to have had very little to grieve in my life.  Yesterday a friend told me, "grieve how you want to grieve,".  I like those words because they are freeing.  I know that it is "normal" to be angry, to deny the situation, to want to bargain your way out of it, etc.  Some people have reminded me "remember it is OK to be angry".  I am glad this is true because who knows, tomorrow I just might feel that way but for this moment, I don't.  Today I have mostly felt empty, not hopeless just that I have a empty spot inside me.  I was sent this verse today from a friend, 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."  How I feel can change so quickly.  I love the fact that God is unchanging in his love for us.    

Today a friend emailed and asked how it felt to still "be pregnant".  This is a good question.  For me, it is weird to still be pregnant.  I don’t feel “pregnant” in the same way I did when Sawyer was alive, I can just tell that his spirit is gone and without feeling any movements other than contractions here and there, it is more like just carrying around extra weight.  I don’t mind it but at the same time I feel a bit of hesitation at being in public places where I am around people who don't know my situation.  My mind keeps hoping no one will ask me when I am due or what I am having, etc.  There is a bit of comfort to still be in a "pregnant state" in that it is familiar to me and there is a feeling that I still have my son near me but yet it also sounds nice to be done with the pregnancy thing.  It certainly has lost the magical feeling.  Not many enjoy the end of their pregnancy, trying to find something that still fits--this is even less fun when you are in this situation.  I feel like I am in a bit of an in-between stage.  I know that very soon I will have a short amount of time to see Sawyer and hold him and after that we will be physically be separated for the rest of my lifetime.  That feels so permanent.  However, I know that that next step is there and I feel like I have to walk through that before I can truly grieve this loss.

So now I await to find out the results of my lab work to see how much longer I will be in this "pregnant state".  It would feel nice to have answers or a reason to point to in order to help us understand what caused this.  I am sure almost anyone in this situation feels the same way. 

How you can pray: That if there is something that could be found by my blood work today, it will be.  That we will know the best time to give birth to Sawyer.  That the birth would go smoothly, be grace-fulled and safe.  That any good that can possibly come from this will.

Comments

[Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)]

Praying those prayers right now.

When I lost my second baby at the end of my first trimester, I had to wait for two weeks before I miscarried. Touching my belly - still so small - and knowing my baby's heart was no longer beating was such agony. I know my child was so small that many babies that size are terminated every day. But it was my precious little one and I long for the day when I will meet my child in heaven.

At 11 weeks, it hurt so deeply. I can only imagine the unbelievable agony it must be for you when you were so close to having Sawyer with you in your arms. I am so so sorry.

{{{HUGS}}}

[Lois Lane]

I just found your site through 5 minutes for moms. I am so sorry to hear about Sawyer. A dear friend of mine is going through the same thing right now. She lost her sweet boy one week ago. She was due in three weeks. I searched online to find articles that could help me be a better friend to her during this tough time. The following article was very helpful to me:

http://wenatcheeworld.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080125/FAM/1344742

I will pray for both of you and your families tonight.

[Blessed]

Praying those prayers for you

[Laura @ Laura Williams' Musings]

I asked my church family to put your family on their prayer lists this past Wednesday night. Your family is in my prayers.

[Niccole]

I will be praying for you and your family. May God and your family comfort you during this hard time.

[Donna]

I just heard about your loss through your email and I am so sorry. I am in tears reading your blog. A good friend of mine and I were pregnant together (due 2 days apart) with our firsts, 10 years ago this month. On May 24th, she discovered her 38 week old baby had died inside her womb. It was such a devastating time and I was so broken for her, yet trying to rejoice in the upcoming birth of my baby. I definitely will be praying for you as you walk this journey. I am so glad you have faith in God, as that is the only thing that got my friend through her loss. Jesus is the greatest comforter...so lean on Him and trust Him to be with you every step of the way during the hard road ahead.

[Stacy]

Heather,

You will be in my prayers constantly today. I pray that our Father God wraps you in His loving arms today and the days to come. I will also pray that your testimony will touch the lives of so many. I am reminded of those wonderful lyrics by Rich Mullins,

"Well sometimes my life
just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf,
You have been King of my glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace."

[jennifer]

I just read your last few blog entries and my heart aches for you, a lump has formed in my throat and I am so incredibly sorry. You and your precious family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

jennifer

[jennifer]

I just read your last few blog entries and my heart aches for you, a lump has formed in my throat and I am so incredibly sorry. You and your precious family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

jennifer

[Rebecca]

I have just read both this and your previous post.

Thanks for continuing to let us know how we can pray. I still am.

Rebecca

[Naomi]

Oh, Heather, I didn't know until today. I am so sorry for Sawyer and hope you receive answers to make it easier to understand and work through his loss.

Thank you for sharing this difficult time with others, as I am sure many suffer through similar experiences alone.

[Amy]

I have just finished reading your blog entries, and I wish I had words to help. My heart aches for you and your family. Know that you will be in my family's prayers.
May God be with you,

[Candice]

I will be praying for your delivery. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Amy]

I am so devastated for you - I cannot imagine the pain of saying goodbye to a child so precious. You continue to be in my prayers.

[Bridgette]

Heather-

You are truly an inspiration. I admire your strength, your steadfast faith, and your courage. The eloquence with which you expressed your feelings and emotion touched me so. You are correct that none of us knows our purpose, nor can we begin to imagine mustering the strength to go through such a difficult experience. I know not what the future holds for me, but if I am ever to face such circumstances, please know that one of God's purposes for your life has been filled...and you have truly touched my spirit and reaffirmed for me the importance of faith. God bless you, Trent, Hunter, Ashlyn, and Sawyer.

[Allison]

Thank you for continuing to share with us, Heather. You've been in and will continue to be in my prayers. I don't know that I would be able to go through something like this with as much grace.

Allison Zercher

[Sofia]

I feel so encouraged to read your response to this tragedy. The Lord is so good even in the darkest of times and sometimes that's when we come the closest to him. You seem to grasp that and I truly admire that. I am so sorry that Sawyer has left before he even came to our world. Thank you for sharing this experience with all of us moms. I will pray for you and your family right now.

[shelley]

I just caught up on your blog. My heart is aching for you and your family. I cannot imagine how hard this if for your guys and how tough it is to even type it all out for us. You are in my prayers. I am so thankful that you have a relationship with your heavenly father...I know that He is with you and will continue to carry you right now. May God give you comfort, peace and even joy in these tough times.

[Marlena]

Heather -

May God give you strength and hope to endure this journey. I wish for the right words to say but sometimes there just are no words to convey feelings as deep as this. You are an inspiration to so many people and continue to amaze us by your grace and belief. Prayers are being sent up for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

[Shelli]

It's so refreshing to see what faith in the Good Lord can do. He's got his loving arms wrapped around you. You're a true inspiration. You're going through the hardest thing anyone can ever experience. I have a feeling you will help so many women in the future by sharing your story. I pray so hard that you will find out the cause, it's worse not knowing and all knowledge is power.

God Bless you ever so much!

[Kelly King Anderson]

thank you for sharing this journey and for your specific prayer requests. That helps to understand what your needs are. This experience will give you so much perspective and depth, compassion, and you'll feel more empowered to serve women when you get on the other side of this... until then hang on to that strong faith.

Love and Light!!
Kelly

[Katherine]

Heather, I am so sorry for your loss...At the same time I have great admiration for the godly view and attitude you are showing. Our prayers are with you!!

[Shannon]

Heather, my heart goes out to you, your husband and 2 small ones. My husband & I are expecting our first child (currently at 33 weeks) and when I read your story, I wept, because it is a reminder of how just how precious and precarious life can be. Please know that your loss has touched many and that through prayer, we each strive to lighten your family's burden. Your Faith is an inspiration and a reminder to us all to thank the Lord, not just for the gifts we are given, but also for the tribulations we face as our spirit grows. I hope you find peace as you work through this difficult time and joy in the knowledge that little Sawyer is safe and loved in the Kingdom of Heaven.

[Valerie]

Heather, I just read your blog today - just in time it seems. I will add my prayers to the many already being raised to heaven on your behalf. May your faith continue to comfort you and provide you with the strength you need. I pray that you will find some answers from your bloodwork and that your labor will be peaceful as will your time with Sawyer. I don't know if you've heard of this group but here is a link: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ They take pictures of babies who have died after their birth. A precious keepsake.

[Shelly]

I am sorry for you and your family. Your story is so heartbreaking. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[grubmama]

What an inspiration of your strength. A quote I kept when I lost my dd was..."Greater the devastation...greater the restoration."

[Barbara Plotkin]

Dear Heather,

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. A friend of mine had a similar experience and what was helpful to her was decorating a box to put momentos in when the time comes; a picture, a lock of hair, the ultrasound. This way, you can choose to look through memories of your journey when the time is right. Your inner strength is inspirational. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Love, Barb

[Molly]

Heather,
I am so sorry! Be assured of my prayers, and those of so many others. May you find comfort knowing that your precious Sawyer is in the arms of our Lord's mother.

God bless your family,
Molly D (mom of 8)

[April J]

Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about baby Sawyer. I can't imagine the pain that you and your family are going through. Sawyer was obviously so special, that God needed him back right away. You will all be in my prayers.

[Leni]

Heather and family,
May the Lord continue to bless you with strength and joy in knowing that families can be eternal.

[Kelly H]

Words cannot express just how badly my heart aches for you and your family. I am sitting here sharing in your tears of sorrow as I shed my own, and I am reminded of my own 5 babies that I have had ushered into heaven as well, and the dull ache and sorrow that accompanied those losses. I highly recommend the book, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. It helped me grieve through all of my losses, and it is written by a Christian, from a Godly perspective. Please do not hesitate to call me if you need a listening ear. I believe that you still have my phone number from when I've ordered from you, and I am always here to listen and pray for you anytime. God bless you my sister in Christ. May the Lord wrap you in His arms of love and mercy, and may He soothe your spirit with the balm that only He can provide for us. All of my love, ~Kelly H. from MI.

[Jessica]

My heart aches for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength as you grieve. Best Wishes.

[Jessica]

My heart aches for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength as you grieve. Best Wishes.

[Lori]

Heather, I too have just finished reading your recent posts. I am so sorry for you and your family as you go through this painful time. I truly admire your courage and strength in being able to share such a personal event with all of us. Your faith in God is inspirational and I can see the strength He has given you already.

My prayers are with you for a peaceful labor and answers to come quickly.

[ellinghouse]

praying for you and your family tonight.

[Laura]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I am thinking of you, and your family.

[Emily]

I just wanted to share with you a couple of sites that may help you in your journey. I wish you peace of mind and spirit as you go through all of this. You are so strong. Every one has something they have to go through in this life that they don't think they'd ever be able to be strong enough to handle but when it comes down to it all we are stronger than we ever realized and become stronger people because of our trials.
http://onetinymiracle.blogspot.com/
http://www.angelbabiesinfo.com/

[Krista @ BabyLegs]

Heather, there is so much I want to say, to share. These moments, however painful, are some of the most intimate and significant moments of your life. As with everyone else here, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Mostly, I wish for you a beautifully special time with your Sawyer. You are a remarkably strong and you are steadfast in your faith. God will hold you up so hang on to Him.

[Krista @ BabyLegs]

A few sites that have helped me along my journey:

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com
http://www.missfoundation.org

and, a beautiful photography organization dedicated to helping bereaved parents obtain amazing photos capturing the birth of their little ones who have died:

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

[emily]

Heather,

I am in tears over your words. Sad and encouraged at the same time.

So very sad for the loss of your sweet boy. Encouraged that you are clinging to Jesus and the truth of His Word in the midst of the grief.

We lost our first little one. Which made the others that came after so much more precious. Our oldest still talks about our baby in heaven often ...

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words. [I Thess 4:13-18]

I pray that the Lord will continue to encourage and uphold you and your family in every moment.

[Jenny]

Dear Heather,
I am so extremely sorry for your loss. I just found out through your email and have been reading your latest blog entries with a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes. I cannot adequately express how deeply sorry I am. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Charlotte]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart truly aches with you and I will be praying that the grace of God would wrap itself around you. He knows and understands fully the pain of losing His son and I know that He will be your shield and portion in this season.

[Susannah Stanton]

Heather,

What a wonderful testimony of faith for so many that have been touched by your situation! God is truly at work! May He always get the glory! I admire your complete trust in our Heavenly Father! Wish I could be there to comfort you and to give the kiddos big hugs! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as I wake in the morning, through out my day and before I go to sleep! I love you!

Love from your "Texas" cousin,
~Susannah~

[Jeanna]

I am awe of your state of mind. You have such strength to get you through this journey, as you so gracefully put it. I'm praying for you and your family.

[ter]

My daughter was born still 2.5 yrs ago. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and if you need anything, please feel free to contact me. I am here for you. I can provide you with some websites that have proven helpful to me over the last few years. It sounds although you haven't delivered your son yet... I have created a list of things that parents might want to do during the short time they have with their child, I can email it to you, if you wish. It lists all the things that I wish I had done and more. I have spoken to many parents over the last couple years and the regrets are the hardest part, and so it is my mission to help newly bereaved parents get as many memories as they can, so that they don't have quite as many regrets. You can email me at withanangelonmyshoulder@gmail.com, or visit my blog http://withanangelonmyshoulder.blogspot.com if you would like to get in touch. (((many hugs))) to you and your family as you say hello... and goodbye... to your beautiful son. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[casual friday everyday]

Heather, I actually wondered if being pregnant was at all comforting an your words on the situation made complete sense to me. I'm still praying for you all.