The problem with a good day by Heather Ledeboer

(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).

As I started today (5/14) I checked my emails and read though the new comments that you had left.  Each time I do this I feel such a feeling of amazing love and support.  It really doesn't matter that most of us haven't met in person.  It doesn't matter that we may differ on the topics of discipline, cloth vs. disposable diapers or if we should buy organic food, there is a connection, a bond created in times of pain.  Thank you for reaching out to me with your comments to let me know you are there, that you care and that you are praying.

After I checked my emails, I decided that it was important that I make a conscious effort to face today with good expectations.  "Today will be a good day" I wrote one of my friends in an email.  So what happened?  I had a good day.  Hunter and Ashlyn did well today and didn't act out.  My engorgement was not painful.  I got to visit with a friend. . . all good right?  Humph so here is the next problem: after reflecting on the day with a friend on the phone I realize that I feel guilty for having a "good day".  So this feels pretty pathetic.  If I have a bad day that feels bad and if I have a good day that feels bad too?!!  Hmmmmm.  So here is the root of why this good day feels bad:

It feels like:
-It is too soon to have a "good day".  Having a good day means I am not totally sad.  Not being totally sad means I am not grieving a loss.  This means I am not feeling a loss.  This means I am not missing my son.  This means I am a heartless mother.

Do you see the logic here?  There really isn't any logic so don't look too hard. 

I am then reminded of things like:
-Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
-There are countless people praying for our family.
-Despite my loss, blessings do surround me.

Soooo what do I want?  To be in a constant sate of sorrow and tears?  No.  I just have to learn what this "new life" of mine is like and allow myself the freedom and permission to embrace the full range of feelings that may come my way.  This is what I am telling myself because I know it logially makes sense.  Dispite the logic it still feels strange.

So tomorrow (5/15) we are having a very small memorial service at our church with family and just a few friends.  We have planned a time of prayer, singing some songs and reading Scripture that has been helpful to us during this time.  I am pretty sure that tears will come tomorrow and I should have enough to keep me from feeling guilty for the day;).

Here is how you can pray:
-continued drying up of my milk (THANKFULLY I have not been in pain, thank you for your prayers)!
-That the memorial service would be a special time for our family and friends and a time to honor God.
-I am still waiting back on one part of my blood tests taken last week.  The results should be back in he morning.  It would be nice to find an "answer" to why Sawyer died.

Here is what we are thankful for:
-Hunter has been doing better and not acting out as much.
-Sunshine days are in our local weather forcast, we are ready for some sunny days.
-We have my husband's parents here to help us out.

(This photo above was taken on 5/10 after Saywer was born at home) 

Comments

[Layla]

Heather, I can understand why you feel like a good day is a bad day. But again, as you said, with so many prayers said for you, your family and Sawyer, it's only natural that God would listen and send you strength and little happiness.

As soon as you start feeling guilty again just remind yourself that all over the world, people are praying for you and God is listening.

That photograph makes me want to cry though, it is just so so beautiful.
_______________________
Your words are filled with truth, thank you Layla!
-Heather

[Rebecca]

I'm still praying, Heather.

[Carey]

You and your family are in my prayers today.

[Sara Reider]

I hope that you have a wonderful day honoring Sawyer. I will be thinking about you and your family during this special time.

Your experience reminded me of a moving article I had read in Mothering magazine.

https://www.mothering.com/articles/pregnancy_birth/miscarriage/graces-gift.html

I am so happy that you were blessed with such a beautiful birthday for Sawyer and that you will have no regrets when thinking back upon that life-changing moment in time.

Wishing you a day filled with love and peace, Sara
____________________
Thank you Sara for sharing that story. It increases my gratitude of my own birth experience, reading how this mother did not have the birth experience that she might have chosen.
-Heather

[Sara Reider]

oops. I guess I should have snipped that URL:

http://snipurl.com/28yg5

Love, Sara

[Leslie]

We will be praying for you and your Family during the memorial service. I think you are much stronger than you realize....God has given you so much strength and it really shows. Sounds like the cabbage is working as well ;)
___________________
God has given me strength, that is so true and yes I think the leaves are helping:)!
-Heather

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I'm thinking of you today. I hope the service is beautiful and the peace and love of all your friends, family, and Christ washes over you. It's ok to have bad days even on a good day. It's ok to not know how to feel, or *know* how you should feel but not feel it. Your heart will heal in its own time, and I pray that your mind will let you rest.

Love,
Steph

[eminstitches]

I think maybe that through times of tremendous pain, sorrow and loss, God gives us little "gem" days to give us a break from all the sadness. I wonder God was giving you a "gem" day since He knew that you would be having the memorial for you precious Sawyer today. I will be praying for your family today.

[dana]

that picture. wow.

my thoughts are with you and your family today...

xo,
Dana

[amy]

heather, i don't know what it's like to lose a baby at full term. My similarity is that I lost a baby at 15 weeks. I was sick, the dr. didn't catch it...my placenta became infected and my body had to choose...me or the baby. Benjamin was born on Christmas night 2004. I knew the moment he was no longer in my body and it was my mom who carried him from the toilet to the hospital where we both were taken quickly thereafter.
I felt the same sense of guilt when those "good" days would come...and in the beginning they were few and far between. But the moments of joy turned quickly to guilt as my process of healing (physically, mentally and spiritually) began.
Your comments of:
"-It is too soon to have a "good day". Having a good day means I am not totally sad. Not being totally sad means I am not grieving a loss. This means I am not feeling a loss. This means I am not missing my son. This means I am a heartless mother."
is exactly what EVERY mother feels when they lose a child. It's normal! There is NO guilt in having a moment, few hours or even days of joy. Your joy does not negate your loss and it doesn't mean that you're not sad, angry, upset, mad or any other emotion that can come upon you at any minute. It's the beginning of the healing process...emotions are raw. God gives strength in every situation. As I sit here and write, I'm remembering the sadness and loss that overwhelmed me those first few weeks. It seemed that I could be doing the simpleist of things and I could become so wrought with loss that I'd slump to the floor, reach for my 19 month old daughter and cry for hours. Those moments would turn to joy given only from God as she would smile, giggle and sometimes even wipe away tears with her grubby hands full of kleenex. I'll never understand why my body had to choose my life over the Benjamin's, who was a perfectly formed and healthy 15 week old baby, but I know that He's in heaven playing with my first baby (lost at 6 weeks) and he's with yours! They are playing at the gates of heaven perfect, happy and in the presence of our Holy God. Now, this doesn't make our sense of loss any less, but for me, it lightens the heaviness of the burden.
You're not a heartless mother, you ARE grieving a loss, you ARE feeling the loss and you ARE missing your son. He's a part of everything you do and in part, your joy is coming from him. Take in each moment...there are no wrong ones...God gives grace and strength for each situation...and with the joyous times comes the sad times. Take each one and cherish them. They are gifts from God. My prayers are with you today.
________________
Dear Amy,
Thank you for your words of comfort. Knowing that you have walked this road (which I am SO sorry for) truly helps me. I know what you said is true, it just helps to hear it, thank you.
-Heather

[Shannon]

Heather,

I am so glad you had a moment of peace with Hunter and Ashlyn. We are praying that your service will be cathartic and healing, and that God's presence will be an undeniable truth. Hold to the faith that there is balm in Gilead, and that God will give it to you. The photo is such a beautiful thing that words pale in comparison. We will pray for you today that Sawyer's memorial will be a poignant and gentle time for all of you.
Shannon

[Sky]

I'm sure I don't have the right words for you, but every, every day I'm praying for you and your family. You are so amazing and strong. I pray...and pray.

Much love...

[Karli]

I found your blog when I was ordering something from your store. I hadn't been expecting to become so wrapped up in your story. I was overcome with the familiar emotion from a similar story, and I am so glad that you had the courage to share yours "out loud." I lost my son at 20 weeks, and had the opportunity to deliver him also. You do feel guilty having good days, and sometimes you feel mad when other people around you have good days. But grieve as much as you want to grieve, and know that the good days do come guilt-free eventually. Our son was due in May of 2007, he would have just celebrated his first birthday. Your beautiful pictures have inspired me to develop the pictures that we took, that have been sitting on the camera, undeveloped. Thank you for sharing this most intimate and precious journey.

[Cristina]

Heather, my best advice & I know you did not ask for advice, but it really helps me (in those early days & even now) is to live & feel each moment as you have them. If you are happy, embrace it. If you are sad, embrace it. Try not to think about the future, to not obsess about the past....just be in the right now. Be present. I swear, it is the only thing that really helped me in my grief journey, still does. Thinking of you today, as you celebrate Saywer's life with your friends & family.

[9milemom]

There is no right or wrong amount of time to process all this and decide when it's ok to have a good day.

From reading your story, it seems that from the time you found out that you had lost Sawyer you have had time to mourn, time to cry and time to process everything.

You have handled the situation incredibly well...taken time to process and now things can get better day by day.

Don't feel guilty about the good days. You will always feel that hole in your lives that Sawyer was going to be in, but just remember the other parts of your life.

It is good that you have made that hole in your life a part of your life...and not letting it take over your life. You don't want to be the life inside the hole. Does that make sense?

I truly believe that letting Sawyer be Sawyer, letting him be part of your life and accepting that he's not there now is healthier than just trying to push it all behind you.

Hope that helps firm up your amazing strength that you have shown throughout this sad time.

prayers are with you and your family.

Debra
_______________
Thank you for your words of encouragement, I think you are right.
-Heather

[Jessica]

I dont know how to tell you weverything in my heart regarding your good day. Suffice it to say that I think God gives greivin ones especially good days so that they can refresh and keep goiong. He also cares for the Little Ones. Hunter and Ashlyn need the good days too. If Sawyer had known enough of this vile world, he would not begrudge you having a good day. Heaven knows, you need them more than some of us. For you. For Hunter and Ashlyn. For Sawyer. For sanity. For peace. For life.

Have a good day today too. That may not look like yesterday's good day but any day lived in the love of Our Father's Hand, is a good day. I know you are there today. Today especially.

[M]

Heather,
I know how you feel about being guilty for having a good day.

I also felt that way with my 4th loss.

I felt like a bad mom who didn't care that her baby died. I cried so much more with my 3rd loss than I did with my 4th.

But I am a much stronger person than I was before.

Enjoy your good days any chance you get.

I'm sure Sawyer would want his mom to have good days. Hunter and Ashlyn also want there mom to have a good day.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
_______________________
Thank you so much for writing. I am so sorry that you have experienced so many losses!! I can’t imagine. It means so much to me that you wrote to tell me you have been through it. I am learning so much from others who have walked this road. God puts just the right people in our paths at just the right times!
-Heather

[Shelli]

It's never too soon to see joy in your life, it's that joy, namely those beautiful people in that photo, including your sweet self that brings that joy and it won't leave you ever. Not even in the darkness.

Also, you know that our Heavenly Father is with you always and that will conquer all fear and hurt. Love ya!
_____________________
Thank you so much Shelli. My heavenly father does conquer all fear and hurt, I have been so encouraged by all the comments today to my post.
-Heather

[Angela]

I just wanted to add something- a long long time ago (I was in the second grade) my dad had a stroke and ended up with brain damage and was hospitalized..well needless to say, I was really upset and sad over this. I also felt guilty for having a good day or fun with my friends so I stopped. I let it consume me. Then one day one of my friends fathers died from a brain tumor. I remember seeing her in the lunch room smiling and having a good time with her friend. I couldn't believe it. So I asked her how she could smile after something so bad happened. And she said something to me that has obviously stuck with me to this day.. she said "just because I smile doesn't mean I'm not sad. And just because I'm sad doesn't mean I shouldn't smile." That touched my heart and the truth in that simple statement helped me tremendously. We can't feel guilty for a "good day". We need to feel glad that God is working on us and our lives so much so that he gives us good days. I just pray that you no longer feel guilty, you deserve a million good days plus more.
____________________
That is a beautiful example and I am thankful for her words of wisdom both for you to hear and now for me to hear!
-Heather L.

[erin]

that is such a beautiful picture!! i know after my dad died i would find myself laughing and then stopping as to figure out how i could be doing such a thing. my laughter turned to tears and back again. u are on such a roller coaster of emotion when it comes to dealing with this situation. embrace each one as it comes.

[Belinda A.]

Your photo is beautiful, I can't help but cry. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family today.

[Amy]

I remember feeling this way after my daughter died, too. At her memorial service I was caught on camera laughing. I felt so bad. But I think that this is ok because we need the "good days" of remembering our sweethearts to take a bit of the edge off of the "bad days". Please don't feel guilty...you need to grieve the way that feels right to you. And that "way" might be different for your husband and your children than it is for you. I will continue to pray for your family. Wish I could give you a big hug. Love lots, Amy
____________________
Thank you so much Amy, it really means a lot to hear what you say knowing you have been there too. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your prayers!
-Heather

[Krista]

It will likely take some time before you will feel ok when you have a "good day" - it did for me. Until then, maybe a simple acknowledgement that there is the possibility for happiness and joy in your life will suffice without you feeling like you have to celebrate a good day. Another thing that helped me accept my "good days" was thinking of how my daughter would want that for me. I believe your "good days" are a gift from Sawyer and something that is making him smile.

[winecat]

You are an amazing woman. Celebrate the joy of your son's life tomorrow, I'm sure it will be bittersweet.

[winecat]

You are an amazing woman. Celebrate the joy of your son's life tomorrow, I'm sure it will be bittersweet.

[kara]

heather that photo is amazing.
you are beautiful through your grief.

grief comes in waves.

[kara]

heather that photo is amazing.
you are beautiful through your grief.

grief comes in waves.

[Lisa Akers]

Heather, I sat here reading over Sawyer's birth story and I was overwhelmed with tears and sadness. But out of that sadness came a sense of your grace. It is so clear that God has blessed you with an amazing grace to be able to come from this place and use your story to bring others to Him. We never know how God is using us in His ultimate plan, but no matter what, His plans are to prosper us! You may never see the reason He decided to bring Sawyer back home, or it may be manifest in more ways than you can count. Remember that this time on Earth may seem long, but you and Sawyer will be together again sooner than you know.

[mama k]

((hugs))
Grief is strange like that... it seems to come and go in waves sometimes.
There is no way you are "supposed" to feel right now. If you have a good day it is ok. If you have a bad day it's ok too.
Your emotions at the moment are temporal.
Your love for your son is permanent and that will never change.
__________________
Thank you so much, I think your words are right on and I like how you said “Your love for your son is permanent and that will never change.” Another mom wrote this to me today who has also lost a child and I thought it was right on:
"I know what you mean by a good day, and the guilt associated with it. You honor Sawyer by being strong and enjoying a day of your life. You can’t measure your love by your pain; these two aren’t correlated. Much of my confusion on this was tied up in what I, or others, thought it should feel like. If I was happy, I felt like people would think I wasn’t mourning. If I was miserable people worried, too.

Your solace will come in holding you other babies and loving them with a new, more appreciative, love. You will now have an appreciation for the breath in your children’s’ bodies. You only know this by holding one that was breathless."
-Heather L.

[Jawan]

Heather, There are so many comments left on this blog to you. Mine may just be "another one" but I wanted to post it anyway. I've been hesitating to even comment at all just simply due to fear of saying the "wrong thing", or knowing that I've never faced the trial you're currently going through, or simply just the fact that we've never met. GirlTalk is one of my favorite blogs and I just wanted to share with you the link they posted today about God's providence. You may have heard these words time and time again but I know that my heart is in constant need of being reminded that I have a perfect and beautiful Savior who died an ugly death for me - all to bring glory to the Father. Here's the post. http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/2008/05/life-stuff.html
_______________________
THANK YOU, that was a great reminder and just what I needed to read today. Please know how much I appreciate you taking the time to write. Each and EVERY comment I read and they are so encouraging. In many ways God uses the people who post here to minister in special ways.
-Heather

[Shawna B]

I pray that the service went well and I pray that God continues to protect your thoughts. You have help on all sides. Praise the Lord! Remember, you are growing through this, not just going thru it.

[Debbie Savage]

You are truly a remarkable woman! I am reading your posts and just humbled by your unfailing faith and love for Heavenly Father. Every thing you shared with us is so touching and heart aching at the same time. You are so angelic with Hunter. I am sorry he is sad abt losing his little brother. Baby Sawyer is beautiful. He looked so peaceful in his blanket. I will be praying for you!

[Lois Lane]

i don't think sawyer would feel bad that his mommy had a good day. in fact, i think it would make him happy to know it.
_________________
Thank you Lois, I think you are right:).
-Heather L.

[christy h]

I am praying for Gods grace to wash over you tonight. And I am also thanking him for friends like Heather who are there for you by your side to love you tenderly. Also, for your new family in Christ where you live now who clearly love you as well. Thank you for sharing that precious time you had with your family; that will continue to minister to my heart for a long time.

[grubmama]

There is no "right" way to grieve. Grieve and mourn in your own way. Have joy because you are blessed with two other children watching you. In due time...you will heal...but will never forget. God will restore you.

[grubmama]

What an amazingly beautiful picture to treasure!

[Sheila]

Hi Heather,
That is a beautiful picture. He is a sweet angel now, who you WILL see again. I believe that. Hugs and love to you everyday.

[Emily]

Beautiful family picture Heather! I will agree with what several others have written...
I felt exactly as you did after our daughter died- like it was "wrong" to smile, that I needed to be mourning because that was what was expected of me, etc. Your good days really are a gift from God though that show all who are around you that He can give you joy, even in this mourning. Continued prayers for you and your family...

[Christi]

Heather,

The closest I've ever come to losing a child was a miscarriage I had in about my third month during my first pregnancy. I wouldn’t even try to compare the two, so I have no idea what you are going through emotionally, but I would say that grief has many facets. What an emotional roller coaster. I just lost my dad 2 years ago. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday. There were times when I would find myself having a great day and think, “Wow, do I just not miss him like I should?” I would have feelings of guilt because I went several days without really even breaking down. I think part of that was my just trying to hold it together for my mom. Losing a parent is a completely different thing than losing a child, but grief is grief and I think you will find yourself at many different stages at many different times. My dad accepted Christ on his death bed. The last words he actually spoke were of him excepting Jesus as his Savior as my husband shared with him one last time as he had done many times before. What praise!!

It’s been 2 years and there have been times when I have found myself out of nowhere crying like a baby. I may be surprised about that but God is not. I think the fact that you have had a “good day”, shows the grace and mercy that God has for you and your willingness to except it. There maybe days to come where you’re not having such a “good day”. Just keep leaning on Christ and the grace he has waiting for you.

Please be encouraged by these passages of Scripture. God is with you always even if it feels at times He isn’t.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8

He is your cloud by day and your pillar of fire by night.

‘Who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:33

So cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh and never feel as though the emotions you find yourself dealing with are the “wrong ones”. There is no Grieving 101 handbook. Release yourself to grieve in whatever way you grieve and heal in whatever amount of time you need to heal. Sawyer will always be your son, no matter how you are feeling, be it happy or sad. Your Savior is there for you and so are so many others. Some you’ve never even met (including me), interceding in prayer for you on your behalf.

Grace and peace be with you

[Amanda Sinclair]

I know oh so well what you are going through. I am so sorry this happened. Please know that I am right beside you as you walk this road. We are on it together even though we don't know each other well. You might recognize my name but maybe not. I am the gal in MOPS that lost her baby in December. I know that smiles aren't supposed to feel like they do right now, and good days aren't really that good. Our kids aren't supposed to see us cry uncontrolably but God has such a bigger plan and we were chosen. I struggled with the fact that I didn't want to be chosen for this but eventually learned that I am on this earth to bring God glory. So I set out to do just that on my road with empty arms Bring Him Glory. I have learned that this is the hardest thing I have ever been called to do. I would love to talk with you if you want.
My dear friend that was a huge support for me was the photographer you chose. She is a huge blessing.
A website that we have gone to often might be comforting to you. It is http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com
You are in my prayers often.

[Susan H. Tsai]

Heather, I am so very sorry for your loss and I pray for your little precious Sawyer and your family. The pictures were really special and thank you for sharing them. God bless.

[Leona]

I feel guilty this way also at times in my life since my son has passed away, I remember feeling so strong and happy sometimes, then later wondering IM WEIRD;) but that is when we know how God works for us and know that people are praying for us AND its working;)
After my son passed away I joined an online group that has helped so much being able to share with my NEW freinds and talking with eachother and being able to know how eachother feels, it HELPS so much... It really is a wonderful lifeline.. Let me know if your interested..

[Gillian]

Heather, I was reading your latest entry, and the bit about drying up your milk, and was praying for you feeling like you've really held strong to the Lord through all of this ... and then I saw Sawyer's photo with the kids and you ... and I cried. You have suffered a great loss. It's okay to cry and to feel upset.
Also, though, I do believe it's okay to have a good day, as your wrote, and to not feel guilty. I think your kids might need you to have a good day so they have a good day?
My prayers are with you still.

Sawyer is sitting on Jesus' lap right now, getting snuggled and the most amazing love he'd ever experience! What a miracle!

Gillia

[Jane]

What a beautiful photo!

I just came across your story for the first time and am moved to tears. You and your family are in my prayers. From personal experience, I know God gets us through one moment at a time through things we never imagined we could bear, and I can see evidence in your story of this, but I know it is not easy.

[The Keffer Family (Hawaii)]

Heather, you just responded to my email a few hours ago, and I'm now finally able to read more of the blog entries from this month.

A good day doesn't mean any of the things your bereaved mind is telling you. It's perhaps a sign that despite your crushing loss, your spirit and Sawyer's spirit are still connected because of the bond in the Lord. Sawyer IS alive and healthy, waiting in heaven, and all this child ever knew was and will always be love. Perhaps you had a "good" day because your spirit knows this somewhere deep inside. This isn't the end of Sawyer's story.

Oh, beloved, my heart and prayers are with you through this night.

Amy