The pep talk by Heather Ledeboer

(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page.  If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).

As the days pass it sinks in more and more that this situation is not going away.  Deep down I already know that, but each morning I wake up and find myself coming to a quick realization all over again that life is forever changed, just as it was yesterday.  It is as if my heart and my head are not in agreement about the reality of the day just for a moment.  Then, as my feet touch the floor, my mind takes over and says "This is your new today, walk in it" and my heart calls out "Take hope, you will not be walking it alone" my mind calls out "No I don't want to walk it" and God softly reminds me "Then I will carry you again today".

One of the things that has really struck me as strange are some of the thoughts that cross my mind from time to time.  I have found myself offering my head silly "pep talks" about the things that make our situation without Sawyer living in our home "easier or better" in a warped effort to convince myself that I actually have it "good".  Things like:

-I don't have to get up all though the night to feed him.
-We don't have to worry about the decision of if we should immunize or not (something we were still debating and thinking about).
-We don't have to move Hunter's car seat to the back of the van to make room for Sawyer's car seat in the second row (we had been doing some trial runs of this and man it is hard to pass anything back to that back row while driving!)
-I don't have to have "baby toys" all over the house again.

Hmmmmm. . . I will let you guess how long this pep talk works in cheering me up.  I either find myself feeling like a total jerk for even entertaining such thoughts or I get side tracked in thinking about "not having to get up in the night to feed him" and find myself day dreaming about what it would feel like to hold him in my arms and have his little eyes gazing up at mine.

I know my lifetime is short compared to eternity.  Psalm 103:15-16 says, " 15 As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more."  I know that I will enjoy eternity with Sawyer, but today it feels so far away.

How you can pray:
-Our in-laws left today to return home to MN.  Life is returning to "normal".  Today "normal" sucked for lack of a better word.  The kids seemed determined to want me to be mad at them and I didn't disappoint.  Perhaps we could have a better round two tomorrow.

Things I am thankful for:
-My body seems ok with the fact that I will not be breastfeeding (Praise God).  I am sure there is still milk in there but there is no pain!
-Your continued prayers, thank you SO much, it really humbles me to hear how many are lifting us up in prayer.
-My friend Heather dropped of a HUGE trash bag full of "Little People" toys this afternoon.  The kids had a wonderful time playing with them right up to bed time.  I decided to just leave it all in our entry way just in case we get a robber breaking in tonight--won't they be surprised!
 

Comments

[oh amanda]

Praying for you Heather. I have no other words or encouragements. (((hugs)))

[Lily Winnail]

Precious Heather,
Every day I read your blog I am humbled by your willingness to be so transparent. I continue to grieve with you, pray for you, and love you. I cannot imagine what this must feel like. I can only pray that God can use me and all of us as a source of comfort for you on this long journey ahead. I remember one friend telling me (when I was going through a life-altering experience) to "bask in the sorrow." It was something I didn't feel comfortable doing because the thought of basking in that place was scary to me. I also felt no one wanted me to bask in the sorrow, but rather get over it quickly. I decided to listen to that one friend, and I stayed in that sorrowful place for a long time. What I didn't expect was that I found God waiting for me there. He cried with me, He felt my pain, and He told me that I was going to be ok. I found something so profound there. Allow yourself to be in that place for as long as you need to. We are all here for you, and accept you completely for who you are and what you are feeling. God brought me out of the grief when His timing was right, it was on no one else's watch but His.
Loving you and praying for you today.
Lily

[kara]

i love that photo.

i hope you are still sleeping well.

one hour at a time
one day at a time.

today i will pray that you see a glimpse of your new normal and it's ok.

[Natosha]

I have been reading your blog over the last few days. My heart aches and tears flow for you family. I am amazed with your faith and love for God in a time when I would want to question him. I have said prayers for your family and for you and I hope with each new day that God blesses you in a new way.

Continue to feel God's love and I will continue to pray for your family.

[9milemom]

One step at a time with the Lord on one side and with the rest of your family close on the other side.

We lost our first little one, Emily. Not quite as far along as you lost Sawyer. We were sure we would never be able to get past her memory...but with two healthy daughters since then, we remember Emily. But God gave us two wonderful children to care for and to love and to teach to be good Christians and I have to thank him every day...even on the days when my soon to be 12 year old brings me to the pre-teen breaking point!!!

[Jessica]

The song that is playing is what I wish for you. "...When the rain comes... So rest a while." Been praying for that rest for you. rest and Rest. In Him.

Normal. It is a flimsy word. Praying for your "new normal".

[Christi]

Still praying for you. I will also be in prayer for your kiddos. Their worlds never stop even when we feel like ours have. I'm glad you are physically feeling better!

By His Grace
Christi

[me in South Africa]

Still praying for you. Read your blog every day and marvel at your testimony. Your faith and trust in God amazes me. I laughed a bit about the robber... we live in RSA and robbers are common occurance here - didn't think you had them there too. Have a good "new normal" day today

[grubmama]

It's funny how you use humor in your day. It will take time to take all this in. Take it day by day sister. You're children will love you...even if you have a "bad" day.