Sawyer's birth by Heather Ledeboer

I sit here at my computer with a desire to accurately convey what today was like.  I am at a loss for words as none seem to be exactly what I need.  I start to type and then erase it all as it just isn't enough.  My feelings don't have words to describe them.  Tears fill my eyes and emptiness fills my body.  Yet somehow in the distance almost like a melody that you can't get out of your head, an assurance remains that comforts my soul.  The events of today will forever be etched in my mind and it will leave a lasting mark on me for the rest of my life.  What I can say for now is that God was faithful and gave me what I believe to be a beautiful labor and delivery.  I believe that He carried me through the pain, cried along side me and gave me a day that I will remember to be beautiful.

I don't want to forget the details so I will soon try again to capture my memories in a way that will help me hold on to the events of today.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

How you can pray:
There are several things but for now the two things that come to my mind most quickly are:

-Wisdom for how to answer questions from Hunter about why Sawyer isn't with us anymore ("Why did that man come and take him away?"  "When can I see him in Heaven?  How long do I have to wait?") along with just helping comfort him in his loss ("I just miss him so much already."  "I really wanted to teach him games to play with me when he was older.")

-That my body will not become engorged with milk in the next few days (not sure if this is asking for a miracle or not).  I am taking herbal supplements to try to help avoid this.

Comments

[Lois Lane]

even in such a difficult time, you have such a beautiful way with words. i will pray for you. hope the supplements help.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Oh Heather, you are in my heart and on my mind. Today in church I specifically promise to lift you up as I lift my hands.

Thinking of you...

Love,
Stephanie

[Stacy Slanker]

You have been on my heart almost constantly the last few days. Know that today you will be lifted up in prayer as you are brought to mind. Our God is faithful, may He truly be your Prince of Peace today.

[Tara R]

oh Heather, I will most certainly be praying.

[Dirkey]

Praying for you and your family.
May God comfort you and grant you His peace.

[kara]

heather & family
i pray for your continued comfort.

the faith and comfort
that you have
is what you are teaching hunter as he looks to you for answers.

[mama k]

Peace to you today.
I'm praying for you and your family.

[Lori P]

Still praying-just please continue to tell us how, because words fail me.
Thank you Lord, that you know our hearts.

[Dee F.]

You and your family have been on my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers all week. I will continue to pray for your comfort, peace, and guidance in how to help Hunter understand something that I have a hard time understanding at my age. Your faith will definitely help him by example. As a teacher, I know there are books available that could help Hunter as well. Maria Shriver's book about Heaven comes to mind.
I will continue to pray that the supplements help and that God continues to wrap all of you in his loving arms.

[Shannon]

Heather,

We will continue to lift all of you up in prayer as you walk through this journey together. I pray deeply for God's peace to Hunter with profound compassion and mercy as he struggles to understand the unknowable. I pray that food nourishes your bodies, that sleep rests your minds and hearts, and that the perfect messengers come speaking God's love to ease your spirits.

Shannon

[dana]

i've typed and erased more times that i can count.

you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts.

love, dana

[beth]

We are in agreement with al the others here. You are constantly on my mind and in my prayers.

[Sarah W]

Thinking of you today and praying for peace. I know today might be a difficult day, but Happy Mother's Day. Hugs!!!!

[AmyG]

Thinking of you & your family. Praying for you!

[AmyG]

Thinking of you & your family. Praying for you!

[Andrea Terry]

Heather, I am continuing to pray for you and also Hunter. I will pray that you will be able to help him understand why Sawyer is no longer with you all in a way that makes sense to him as he is so little still. I will also continue to pray for you in this time of grief. YOu are truly an inspiration to me. I really don't know if I would have the strength that you have. You are such a beautiful witness of God's grace. I am also praying for your husband as I am sure he is also in tremendous pain and also trying to be strong for you and the kids. I know times like this can be really hard on our husbands. May the Lord restrain your body from becoming engorged (miracles aren't too big for Him) and may you be able to enjoy this Mother's Day with your children.
Love,
Andrea

[Jana]

You and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers as you have been the past few days. I admire you so very much for your amazing strength. Having walked the same road that you are walking now twice I wish I could say that I handled it with the same strength you have.

[Heather Allard]

Heather,
May the Holy Spirit be with you today on Pentecost and may He comfort you, strengthen you and show you how to go forth without fear.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am in awe of your strength and grace.

Most sincerely,
Heather Allard

[diva65]

My your faith see you through this difficult time. We may be strangers but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. A new sleeping angel graces heaven today. God has given Sawyer his wings.

[Krista]

Heather, you are in my thoughts and I pray that this Mother's Day beholds some joy for you amid the pain. I look forward to hearing more about your sweet boy. This poem brought me great comfort when Madison died. I hope it is a small token of peace for you today.

---------

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn.
(Native American poem)

[Bliss]

Continued thoughts and prayers sent your way! You are an AMAZING woman! You have truly shown that "I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me"! You have been on my mind and heart constantly. God Bless you, and your precious family.

[sarah]

I will pray for you.

[Sara]

I saw this, and immediately thought of you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
http://www.keatonprints.com/welcomenewborn.htm

[ter]

You may be one of the people who find it useful to journal. I wish I had done that immediately after my loss, but I think I was in too much pain and shock to do anything. I hardly remember much from the time I had with my daughter, which breaks my heart.

I'm very sorry.

[Christi]

Heather,

Please know that I am praying for you today. What a blessing you are to your little ones and what an example of faith you are for them. They will not forget all you are as a mother to them.

Your example and faith in Christ will be part of what shapes them.
You are precious in our Fathers eyes.

God's grace be with you.

[Nicole]

THANK YOU, for sharing your heart...you are an inspiration to so many through your pain. Praying for you...

[Kim]

You are in my thoughts and prayers.....there is a song that I thought of when I heard your story...when you ready, listen....it only makes sense to those that have lived this...."smallest and wingless by Craig Cardiff......with all my love...K

[jessica]

Thinking of you on a daythat is meant to be happy and special. Praying about your requests...

[Shelli]

I'm thankful you got to have him at home. God Bless you and your precious family.

[Kelly King Anderson]

Heather, dear friend of FAITH! I am still praying and thanks for telling us what to pray for! Ask and ye shall receive, I love that you are utilizing your support group/friends for comfort and prayers that will reach heaven!!

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but you can bandage your chest with an ace bandage really tight and it will stop the milk from coming in. You have to keep it really tight for a few days, maybe use two??

[eminstitches]

I'm just reading through your situation for the first time and I can't possibly know what words to say. I will be praying for you and your family. In reading through your blogs, I am amazed by your way of sharing your experience and your expression in words. I can tell by just reading your words that God is covering you in a blanket of His love.

[casual friday everyday]

Oh sweet Heather, I'm at a loss of words that could do much of anything...I do hope you know how much we love you and your family and are here praying and crying with and for you.

[GigiGauthier]

I will pray for those two requests you asked to be prayed for. You sound so strong ... I believe that God is giving you this strength and this peace.

Prayers are with you across the world -
from Ontario,
Gillian

[lisa]

my heart aches for you and your family. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[amy]

Heather, you don't know me, but I'm the sister of one of your vendors (AllyZabba). Jill told me of your story and I was and am touched by the way you are showing God's grace. This evening as I read your post, the chorus of a song came to mind and I wanted to write it to you:

He never sleeps
He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayers.
When we are weak, He becomes stronger.
So rest in His love and cast all of your cares on Him.

Prayers to you and your family.

[Amy]

I think when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse - that was so hard (obviously worse than that, I just can't think of the right words). It isn't easy, and I am sorry. I can't describe it, but it was torture. There is supposed to be a baby. Life is not fair.

[Amy]

I think when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse - that was so hard (obviously worse than that, I just can't think of the right words). It isn't easy, and I am sorry. I can't describe it, but it was torture. There is supposed to be a baby. Life is not fair.

[Worlds Greatest Mommy]

Heather,

I'm at a loss as to what to say, too. I'm sorry. I'm praying for you. I know God hears and answers prayers. I know he knows you personally and the trials you are facing. I know he will lift you and your family up together and give answer to your needs and speak comfort to your heart.

[Leona]

Im so very sorry... I have recently came upon your site doing an order and now have been reading your blog. IM SO very sad for you inside.. I just wanted to tell you that I have recently went through; my 2 year old son passed away last year, I also have a five yr. old (4 at the time) we are still dealing with his questions and him missing his brother so very much, its so very hard on all of us but God is with us carrying us and keeping us as storng as possible. I just wanted to let you know I am here if you would like to talk and ask me questions or if I could just help you at all?
Please email me.

[Sheila McGoldrick]

Heather,

I continue to pray for you nd your family every day. You are on my mind, heart and soul.

Thinking of you.

[Rosa English]

Dear Heather,
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you, there are no words to say to you, but I'm so sorry. Please know that you are not alone, you do not have to walk this journey alone. The prayers of those who care for you and your family will help carry you, and I am honored to be counted as one who cares and loves you.

Your sister in Christ,
Rosa