Making a list and checking it twice by Heather Ledeboer

Today (5/7, I started this post before midnight, but it is now 12:20 AM PST) was spent writing lists, putting together a basket of items we wanted on hand for right after Sawyer is born and making sure we had everything ready for the labor so that when the time comes we don't have to be distracted with the "little details" and can just do what we need to do, feel what we feel and react to the moments that come our way.

It has been helpful to hear from others (many from you guys) on things you did in situations similar to ours to remember your child (such as photos, foot/hand impressions, cutting  lock of hair, etc).  I am thankful that we have had a few days to process these ideas and do what we can to prepare ourselves.  Today I also realized that I am really thankful that we ended up finding out the sex of the baby early on.  We had initially not planned on finding out but then changed our mind during the ultrasound:).  I feel that it would be harder for me to not know the sex now and to have to wait until after the birth to find out and then name the baby and say good bye all in such a short amount of time. 

We told our children today.  Hunter (who is 4 1/2) responded to it with much sadness and tears and had good questions to ask of us.  We all shared tears together and assured him that it was OK to be sad, that we are also so very sad and that it was OK to ask us questions.  I think it went well though and we will continue to walk through this together.  Ashlyn (who is two) put on a sad face when she saw us all crying and went to get us a tissue from the bedroom.  She then got distracted by something and the next thing we knew Trent was cleaning up puke from all over our carpet as she had thrown up.  This thowing up started last night, we changed her sheets three times as she kept getting sick in her bed.  I pray she recovers soon and that Hunter (or Trent and I) don't get it.  It felt a bit overwhelming for the moment to have one child crying and the other throwing up and to be sitting there with a big lifeless belly! 

We were blessed to have friends come over and pray with us today and also on Monday.  SO many of you have said you are also praying.  How can I possibly thank you enough for that?!   

The plan: Thursday (5/8) we will meet with my Midwife in the afternoon and go over any questions we might still have and discuss the details of what we want to take place after Sawyer is born.  Then we will start inducing the labor by using a drug that helps to ripen the cervix.  How long it will take before I am in active labor is not known but I am told that this method of induction is much less painful that using Pitocin which sounded oh so good to me!  I covet your prayers for the labor and the time afterward with Sawyer. My desire is that it would be as peaceful as possible and a time filled with as much healing and closure as one can expect to have in those circumstances.  Thank you for walking this journey with me.

   

Comments

[Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)]

Oh Heather I just can't imagine... My heart is just a mess right now for you and your dear family. I just posted about your induction today. I hope that is okay.

{{{HUGS}}} and PRAYERS!!!!!

[Rebecca]

Heather, thank you for sharing some of the details of your plans for today. It helps to know how to best pray for you.

Much love...

[Heidi]

Heather~ bless your heart. I have never been to your blog but I read about you over at 5 Minutes for Mom. I've lost two babies in pregnancy, but never like this~ I just cannot even fathom what you are going through. Please know that you and your precious family are in my prayers~ especially today. You are certainly facing this day with a positive outlook~ God definitely has a plan. May you see many more rainbows today.

[oh amanda]

Heather, still praying for you. You've been on my heart for the last few days.

[Amy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you, your husband, your kids, and little Sawyer today.

Amy

PS - I had a labor induced that way - cytotec, and then they broke my water, and it was no more painful than my un-induced childbirth with her older sister. It happened faster, too, than my un-induced birth.

[jennifer]

In our thought and prayers in the days, week, and months to come....just knowing you have our Lord in Jesus Christ in your heart gives me a lot of comfort..because HE will give you strength you never even knew you had!

Take care my friend...and know your fiends are praying for you and your precious family!

[Dee F.]

My heart weighs heavy with the loss of your precious little Sawyer. You and your family have been on my mind and in my prayers all week. I continue to pray for you as you go through the birth of your angel. I just can not imagine your emotions. Your faith and courage amazes me and is truly a lesson for us all. God bless you and your family.

[DeAnna Cochran]

Heather & Family, Your post was just shared by some friends via Twitter. There are really no words other than I am sorry for your loss. I lost my son when he was just 3 weeks old after several complicated surgeries. He was born 4 months premature at 1 lb 12 ounces and I too has a normal pregancy. Complications from a previous surgery casused scar tissue that was kicked by mom son and caused internal beldding and utimately labor. There was no warning and a shock to us. This was our first and was in 2004. We now have a beautiful 2 year old Christian who is a true blessing. God helps us to heal in our own time and through our own process. You and your family are in my prayers today.

[Sarah Ellis]

My heart and my soul are breaking for you and your family. You are such a strong woman to be able to handle these things the way you are. I pray for you and your family that the birth and time following the birth is as peaceful as you want it to be. I pray for you that your arms will always remember the feel of your little boy Sawyer and when you long for that feeling again, it will always be there in your mind and in your heart. I pray for you, the closure you are seeking and the memories you want to keep forever and ever. God bless you and your family, including Sawyer. I am a strong believer and I know that his heart still beats in heaven. Your little angel will always be there for you so smile, look up to heaven and say Hi, whenever you feel lost.

With lots of love and warm wishes,

Sarah

[Sherry]

I heard about what happened over at 5 Minutes for Mom. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I wanted to let you know about a service I heard of recently. If they have a photographer in your area that is available,they will come and take photos of Sawyer free of charge.
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Take care.

[Emily]

I just read your story and I am so impressed with your courage. As a mother myself I feel so saddened by your loss, but also feel hope in your positive outlook. Best wishes to you.

[Worlds Greatest Mommy]

Prayers for you and your family. Comfort for your hearts. Peace in these difficult moments. The Lord's embrace around you all.

[Kelly]

Oh Heather... I've just found out and my heart breaks for you and your family.

I will be praying for you.

[Angela at mommy bytes]

I found your story from 5 Minutes for Mom. You are a strong courageous woman and I send my very best thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[The Gang's All Here!]

I, too, found out about your loss thru 5MFM. Please know that our family is praying for you and yours in this time. There are no other words that can even minister to you beyond that.
A Sister In Christ

[Amy]

Dear Heather,
My mommy heart aches for you...this morning in my devotional "Streams in the Desert", I read "O dear God, when darkness overshadows me, teach me that I am merely traveling throuh a tunnel. It will then be enough for me to know that someday it will be all right." It may be too late, but I will pass this on to you, http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/start.php
Praying for you,
Amy Smith
Houston, TX

[Kristin]

Praying for all of you today as you walk this most difficult of roads. Your faith and transparency through this horrible time is a blessing to us and allows us to pray more specifically for you. Thank you! May you find more rainbows along the way today.

[Nicole]

Oh Heather, I dont know you but I found your blog through 5M4M. I cant even express with words what I want you to know. Just know you have prayers sent to heaven from a mom in Tucson, AZ whose heart is breaking along with yours. I pray God wraps you up in his peace during the whole process and after. I will be praying for you and your sweet family.

[lace]

My prayers are with you and your family today.

[casual friday everyday]

Oh Heather...I feel for your son. My son is so excited by this pregnancy and I know he'd just be devasted also. You are all in my prayers and tears.

[Gina]

Heather, I found your blog through a link from a friend's blog. I don't know you but am already praying for you today - that your induction goes well, medically, and that you are safe as you deliver Sawyer. I pray that your family will know God to be the God of All Comfort and Father of Mercies. My heart breaks for all of you - I am so very, very sorry.

[elizabeth]

I am praying for you. Your story makes me think of Todd and Angie Smith. Todd sings in the Christian group Selah and they recently lost a baby girl. Here is their story: www. AudreyCaroline.blogspot.com

[Laura]

Praying for you and your family.

[Jenn]

Heather-
My entire family prayed for you this morning... may God be with you and your family.

[miche]

I want you to know I am saying many prayers for guys as you meet and say goodbye to Sawyer. Even though I don't know you I have been a long time reader and love your blog, and I am thinking very much of your family and imagining how you must be feeling-I am 30 weeks right now and I am so sad for you at this time.

[Melissa]

Someone posted a link to your blog on iVillage. I just wanted to tell you that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is aching for you and little Sawyer. Thank you for expressing your thoughts here, as I think your outlook on this will help another Mother who may be going through the same thing. God Bless you.

[erin]

It is amazing how much one can cry for someone they don't even know! I cannot express how much I hurt for u and ur family right now. I wish there was a good reason for this happening. Or better yet, a way to prevent it. My thoughts prayers and heart go out to you and your family in the coming days!

[suzette boyette]

Heather,

Laura Hamrick just told me the news and I immediately read your touching story.

My husband, family, and I have you and yours in our prayers. We will pray that God give you strength during your induction and delivery. I pray that when you hold your son you will feel the love you have for him surround you and remember how powerful your love is when you think of him.

My heart goes out you! Suzette

[Stephanie]

My heart aches so much for you and your family ... May God wrap His loving arms around you with His supernatural comfort and peace today!

[Lani ~ The Wooden Porch]

I will be praying for you all. Sawyer has joined Samuel, my own baby, in Heaven. I long for the sweet day when I will greet not only my son, but your child as well. I promise I'll give Sawyer a great big hug--and you as well.

[mama k]

My heart goes out to you today even as I am mourning my own loss this week.

I have no words for a situation such as this. I'll be praying for you and your family today.

[Tara R]

I just wanted to mention a charity I know of that helps families in your situation- www.freewebs.com/carepackage

by http://smellyann.typepad.com/ who also lost a child. I also noticed on 5 mins for mom that SmellyAnn personally offered her services to you if you are interested.

And on a personal note I just want you to know I am praying for you today. I know sweet Sawyer is in the arms of Jesus right now but saying goodbye is so hard. My thoughts are with you.

[Sheila McGoldrick]

Heather,

I have been saying prayers for you and your family. I can't imagine the pain and I am praying for a peacful light at the end. I lost twin girls on our first pregnancy, but I was no where near as far as you. I do always think of what they would be like today and I just know that God took them for a reason and they are in a wonderful place. Please know that you are always on my mind and I just keep praying.
Love and hugs to you all!

[Tanya Moyer]

Came across your blog from 5 Minutes for Mom. I'm so very sorry. I will be praying for you, your husband, and your kids today. Especially for your labor. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
~Tanya

[Ingrid]

Heather, I too found your blog through 5mfm. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little Sawyer. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.

[Cristina Salmon]

Thinking of you Heather as you walk on your journey today. I am glad you had the time to get your thoughts together. I just wanted to say, I to found out the sex of my Alexa Rose during her pregnancy. The only time I ever found out & I too, am so glad. I was able to bond with her on a different level than I did with with my other children. That is something special she & I share, just like you & and Swayer. I also think in the long run, it helps our living children too.
Thinking of you & your family.

[Kristina B]

I'm praying that you stay safe and have healing and comfort.

[Kristina B]

I'm praying that you stay safe and have healing and comfort.

[Maria]

Oh goodness, I can't even stop crying. Ok, I pray that you are well and I keep looking at the time hoping that you are basking in God's warmth and feeling as strong as possible as you endure a procedure that no one wants or can prepare for.

God bless you Heather and hold you close.

[Faye]

I read your story on 5M4M and just wanted to say that I'll be praying for you and your family. I too have lost a son....my heart breaks for you....but my heart also leaps to hear that you have seen the rainbow. Comfort is mixed with pain. ((hugs))

[Leslie]

Praying for you and your family today and the days to follow. Praying for comfort and peace.

[Angela Gifford]

Thank you for sharing your heart and your feelings. You are so brave, and tender. Praying for God to love on you in extra doses today and tomorrow.

[beth]

Oh Heather, we are in prayer for your family. I appreciate you being so open with us during this time. It must be difficult to share these feelings. I am praying for the peaceful birth you desire and precious time with your Sawyer to say goodbye.

I was thinking about this after I found out last night. My heart is so heavy, and the tears flow freely. It is so tough to know what to say, yet we do have this hope - we live in a world of sin and death, but Jesus Christ overcame even death! Sawyer departed from the earth but was IMMEDIATELY in the presence of the Lord. He went from your warm, loving womb to the warm, loving arms of the Savior and Creator of the whole universe. He never knew pain or suffering.

[Sydnei]

My heart aches for you....I can not imagine what you are going through but I do pray for you and your family and hope time will heal your pain....

[sarah]

I am praying for you.

[Sky]

My thoughts and of course prayers are with you and your family. My heart is breaking for you.

[Bess]

Many prayers and hugs for this difficult day and for others to come before you get to meet your child in Heaven,
Bess

[jen]

what a comfort to know that so many that you don't necessarily know are thinking of you at this time...
isn't mother's love beautiful knowing that you really did get the chance to know him already? congratulations on your new baby. i'm sorry that things didn't turn out as planned. i'm sure that he overwhelmingly felt your love all along.

[Charlsie Swadley]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss I found you through 5minutesformom. I had a stillbirth almost 2 years ago three things I wish I had done was to -hold my sweet baby as long as I could! - let my children see the baby, hold her and love on her - also take many many more pictures with her! I really regret that we did not know more of these things at that time, I pray that our experience would be of some help to you. You are in my prayers! If you ever need to "talk" to someone who has gone through similar circumstances you are welcome to e-mail me. Oh also a wonderful book is "Good Mourning"

[Amy]

I found your blog through 5 minutes for mom. My heart aches for you. My 2 day old daughter died about 2 years ago due to severe birth defects. We went through a nearly full term labor/delivery knowing we would only have a few hours with her. I pray that the Lord brings you peace and comfort during this terrible time. We cut hair, took foot and hand prints, 300+ photos, and even cut her belly button stump. I know that my Natalie is showing your Sawyer around Heaven right now and that they are snuggling with Jesus. Jesus will make sure that Sawyer knows how much you loved him. One of the things that I look forward to is when I go to Heaven, Jesus will be waiting for me with Natalie in his arms. I will be able to run and fall into both of their arms. I know that Jesus and Sawyer will do the same for you! Love lots and lots, Amy Ramos