Looking for Joy in the morning by Heather Ledeboer

I didn't like today.  It seems wrong for a couple younger than 30 to be in a funeral home staring at little boxes and containers to place their child in trying to decide if one of them is "right" for them.  It seems wrong for the lady at the Burger King drive-in to be able to look at us out her little window and not know that she is staring at two people who wanted to have a car seat with an infant in the backseat but that instead he is back at the funeral home.  It seems wrong for my body to insist that it must make milk, why can't it realize that there is not a baby here to feed?  It seems wrong that a telemarketer would call to try to sell us something when just three days ago I told him we had just lost a child and we were not able to think about time share options right now.

Today I was reminded of something that I wrote a few years ago when someone in our church died unexpectedly and rather tragically.  I wrote something simply taking bits and pieces of Scripture and combining them into a story of hope and the journey often taken when we are overwhelmed with grief or sadness.  Reading it over I found myself in many of the words.  There is great comfort knowing that "Weeping my go on all night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5b and that "The Lord is close to the broken hearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one " Psalm 34

Below is the collection of passages that I "wrote" (although "compiled from Scripture" might be a better way of putting it)

"I will put my hope in God!"
Psalm 42:5

The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it.   The world and all its people belong to him.  For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean depths (Psalm 24:1-2).  The Lord is my Shepard, I have everything I need.  He renews my strength.  Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.  Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23).

My eyes look to the Lord for help . . . Turn to me and have mercy on me, for I am alone and in deep distress.  My problems go from bad to worse.  Oh, save me from them all!  Feel my pain (Psalm25).  I am constantly aware of your unfailing love (Psalm 26:3a).  You have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul (Psalm 31).  Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.  My sight is blurred because of my tears.  My body and soul are withering away.  I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.  Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within . . . even my friends are afraid to come near.  But I am trusting you O Lord, saying, “You are my God!”  My future is in your hands. (Psalm 31).  Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close (Psalm 27:10).  Lord don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.  My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.  For troubles surround me–to many to count!  They pile up so high I can’t see my way out.  They are more numerous than the hairs of my head.  I have lost all my courage.  Please, Lord, rescue me!  Come quickly, Lord, and help me (Psalm 40). 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He had given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God (Psalm 40).  Why am I so discouraged?  Why so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again–my Savior and my God! (Psalm 42).  Praise the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger.  I trust in him with all my heart (Psalm 28:6-7a).  Weeping my go on all night, but joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5b).  I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears.  Those who look to him will be radiant with joy . . . I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.  The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help.  The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.  He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the broken hearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one (Psalm 34).  Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive a reward that lasts forever.  They will survive through hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough.  The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand (Psalm 37).

Comments

[misty]

you are beautiful! God's word is such healing to a hurting and weary soul. thanks for your unwavering trust in our almighty Saviour~it is such an inspiration. i wish i was there to just hug you.

[dana]

You're right. Your "to-do" list from today shouldn't even exist. There shouldn't even BE coffins THAT SMALL.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I'm so sorry that seemingly all I can say to you is I'M SORRY, but my heart aches for you, and there's nothing else I can say. But saying SOMETHING gives me comfort in knowing that you feel the warmth in everyone's heartfelt comments and emails.

Thinking of you along this journey. I will do my best to always let you know it.

xoxo,
dana

[Kate Shaw]

I love you my friend

[Kate Shaw]

I love you my friend

[Dr. Paul]

Faith is the ONLY way we can make it through some of the experiences of life. Like David and Goliath, we sometimes encounter something that is bigger than we are (that's why we call them giants). You don't take on a giant unless, like David, there is something in your life that is bigger than your giant. I am so inspired to hear the stories of those like Heather who face their giants, and in doing so give others the courage to do the same. May God bless you and your family at this time of grief.

[Sarah W]

Oh Heather...my heart is really heavy for you this morning and I am not sure why, but I am sending up prayers as that's the only thing I can do for you from so far away. May the Lord continue to be your source of strength and comfort as you walk the days ahead. Love and prayers!!! Sarah

[Shannon]

Heather,

I'm just so sorry. I know that my tears and condolences can't touch that place in your heart, but I can pray deeply and daily that God will smooth and soften the roughest edges of it. I wish that I had the perfect wisdom or supreme comfort to wrap all of you in to ease this. I pray often that you will be surrounded by love and support to make it through the loss of baby Sawyer. I pray continually that your family is held close by your church community in this time.
Shannon

[oh amanda]

Heather, what a great post! God's Word is what will change our hearts and our situations! Thank you!

Always praying.

[Lily Winnail]

Heather, I care so much and my heart is so heavy. I can't stop thinking about you and just sobbing this morning. Your playlist came on with the blog, and reading your words and the Scriptures set to music just brought me to a place of deep prayer for you. Your faith is a testimony and will help so many other moms out there that are going through the same thing. I pray for you continually. My heart aches. We are all here for you, for the long haul. Thank you for letting us in. We love you.
Lily Winnail

[Shelli]

You don't know how much your writing means to me. Your wisdom, strength and knoweledge of scripture has become a daily inspiration for me. Thank you for connecting me with God's words, something I take too much for granted.

[Sheila McGoldrick]

Heather,
I am so sorry you and your husband had to go through that this morning. It is an unthinkable thing for anyone to have to do. I think of you and your family often. I pray for you that peace comes to you always. Your words are beautiful! Your wisdom is great and you are being thought of often. I am sending prayers and hugs your way.

[sharon]

hi heather,
i read your blog regularly and am so sorry to hear about your loss. my prayers are with you & your family in this difficult time. praise God for his word that helps us through times such as these.

[kara]

you are right.
it IS not right.

our hearts hurt for you and your husband and your families.

i hope you find some answers today.

[Heather Allard]

Heather,

We chose the name "Hope" for our first daughter after reading the "definition" of it. Hope means "optimistic faith in things to come".

Today, I wish you HOPE.

Love,
Heather A.

[Amanda Carroll]

Heather and Family,

I found your blog last week (another website was offering their prayers for you and your family). As soon as I read the first couple of sentences about your lost, I cried, I actually bawled. I hurt for you and your family and can not even imagine what you are going through (or anyone else that has lost a child).

I know there is absolutly nothing anyone can do or say to ease your pain. I guess only time will make it less, but I have a feeling that the pain will always be there.

I just needed to commit and let you know there are sooo many of us that hurt for you and pray for your family. I thank you for bringing us into your family while you are going through this HORIBLE time in your life. You have allowed us in your life and I know you are opening my eyes to never, never take things or your family, or children for granten.

Love and prayers for your family,

Amanda Carroll
Virgina

[beth]

I can't fathom your grief. Your words are so comforting, though, and I hope that your compilation of scripture and music causes others to see that Christ loves us where we are, even in this extreme suffering. I can imagine in one sense you want to wear a sign or hand out a card to everyone you see, explaining what has happened, so that they understand you are walking wounded. While life goes on like normal for everyone else, you are in this sort of bubble. You are continually in my prayers.

[denise whitney]

Heather,

I are very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Sawyer. We are praying for you daily. I'm sure you can't imagine how many people have found Jesus as their Saviour because of your strength, courage, and your beautifully written words. May God bless you and your family.

Denise Whitney

[Rachel Nixon]

Heather:

Last night I was telling my little 4-year-old, Esther, what happened to Sawyer. I told her that we needed to pray for Sawyer's mommy, daddy, brother, and sister because they are feeling sad. She insisted that we hold hands right there in bed.

Even though we've only met through e-mail, you have constantly been in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know how you find the strength to write at this time, but your writing is being used by the Lord.

Rachel

[Kim]

you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[Mandy]

My heart aches for you and your family. Your faith inspires me. I pray for you and your family daily.

Much Love
Mandy
Texas

[emily]

Heather,

Your scripture compilation is beautiful.

I find that sort of thing to be the most helpful ... writing out God's Word so that I can realize how perfectly it applies to what I am struggling with in that moment. To mentally remind myself that these words are written for me, for right now.

Thank you for pointing us to Him, the God of all comfort, in the midst of your grief.

Praying for you.

[Elli]

My Dear Father, I lift this hurting family up to You today, and I pray that You will wrap all of them in Your comforting arms. Please be their strength and peace during this time. I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen.

[Cristina]

I remember looking at the little boxes & thinking those same thoughts. I recall going out in public & people would just glance my way, & I would want to scream, "My Baby Just Died! don't look at me!" I can still feel the desire for someone to bring me my baby back, because this is all wrong.
Know that you are not along in your thoughts & feelings. I wish you peace upon your journey.

[ter]

I remember the days and weeks following the death of my daughter, I would see people looking at me, and wonder if they could tell. When people were smiling I would fight the urge to say "how can you smile, when a child has just died?"... it got a little easier with time, but I still get those moments when I feel the whole world around me is happy. I still fight those urges, sometimes not so successfully. I wish you peace and comfort in the days to come, I know you will have many emotional ups and downs and the world may spin a little too fast for you at times, but please know you're never alone... ((hugs))

[Bailey's Leaf]

I know how you feel. Then, you get folks who ask, "How many children do you have?" I always want to say two, but want to skip the story just because I'm afraid that they think I want sympathy.

Truth is our daughter died, but without her death, family members wouldn't have been able to go through genetic testing so that they might have their babies. (Two have been born, and under previous circumstances, a few were lost.)

We have always used our story of Bailey to share with others how God has worked in our lives. He is so good and has been so wonderful to us.

It still doesn't mean we can't be sad. Afterall, He knows that there are things that come up that we don't sign up for. This is one of them. Take each day one at a time.

There is a beautiful book that I re-read from time to time. It is written by Bernadette Keagey (sp?!). It is called Losing You too Soon. Bernadette and Phil lost several babies. I found this book to be most helpful.

Feel our love. I'm so sorry.

[Kristina B]

Heather,

Please know that I'm thinking about you and have cried for you. You are in my prayers.

[casual friday everyday]

Heather, I can imagine I'd have all of the same feelings as you. And it's okay to feel any which way you happen to be at any given moment. It's okay, it's normal and God understands...even if you slip into anger at one time or another.

Your scriptures are beautiful and comforting and I'm so glad you have them and God to hold you up in this time of great sorrow.

[Jennifer Phillips]

Hi Heather and Trent, We love you guys very much and are so sorry that we aren't there to help you during this time. The LORD is our strength and our healer. Our family is daily lifting you and your family up in prayer. I am inspired by your blog. Thank you for sharing your deeply personal emotions for us so that we know how we can be praying for you guys. Love, The Phillips (Jen and 3 boys)