(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).
A few days ago I started telling you a bit about Sawyer's birth and I said I wanted to sit down and write out what I remember from the birth while it was still fresh in my mind. Below are my memories of that speical day:
Several months ago I found out about a new movie coming out called "The Business of Being Born". I was really interested in seeing this movie. A good friend of mine had given birth at home and I was really fascinated by this as I had never known anyone to give birth outside of a hospital before. My husband and I rented this move and after watching it, I was inspired to take the opportunity to give birth naturally at home. Our first two children were born in a hospital and to me, this seemed like one of those things that would be amazingly empowering and I was very excited to have a birth experience like this.
I called our local birthing center to inquire about this option. When I did, I discovered that the month I was due (May) was filled up with the number of women they can comfortably commit to caring for given the number of midwifes they have on staff. This meant that they would not be able to take me on as a new patient. I was really disappointed to hear this and asked if they had any suggestions for me. I was told they would call me back and when I did, they told me that they were able to squeeze me in and I could give birth though their center. This was really exciting for me and from the first appointment I was sure this experience would be totally different than the births of my first two children.
I was well along in my pregnancy when I switched care providers and it was really interesting to see the varied responses I would get from friends, family and acquaintances when they found out I was planning on giving birth at home with a midwife. I am typically an "all or nothing" kind of person so I guess I figured if I was not going to give birth in a hospital, I may as well do it in the comfort of my own home. An added blessing was the fact that I discovered that the women working at the birthing center are Christians and share my love for God. I had no idea at the time that these decisions and plans would later benefit me emotionally when we discovered that Sawyer would not be born alive.
On May 8th (three days after we found out that Sawyer no longer had a heartbeat), my good friend Heather (who had flown out the day after I got the news to be with me during this time) was at my house helping me to get everything gathered together for after Sawyer was born. She was the friend that had given birth at home inspiring my decision to do the same. We worked to make sure that we had everything in one place (things to make foot imprints, hand imprints, to cut a lock of hair). I had a cute outfit to dress him in and a list of things we wanted to do so that nothing would be forgotten when the time came.
On this same day our dear friends Richie and Katie came over and prayed with us. What an amazing blessing it is to have friends lift you up in prayer. It is humbling and strengthening. It is an assurance that God cares and here are people in the flesh willing to reach out and be the proof that God loves us and remind us that we are not alone.
On May 9th my husband and I drove into to town to see my midwife around 8:30 PM. On the way in I was having light contractions about 5 minutes apart. I had been having contractions all week so I wasn't sure if these were anything different or not but it was encouraging to see that they seemed consistent. My midwife did an internal exam to see that I was dilated 2 cm and was 50% effaced. We were ready to officially encourage labor along at that time. We stopped at my friend Lori's house to pick up a special baby blanket that Lori and my friend Sarah had bought us for wrapping Sawyer in after he was born (with the thought that we could keep this blanket to remember him by). My contractions stayed consistent during our visit and the drive home and had moved to 4 minutes apart. On the drive home, I called my good friend Heather. She met us at our home and we began our evening. I was sipping Raspberry Leaf Tea and eating chocolate chip cookies (you don't get those in a hospital:) and we were timing the contractions. Going into my labor I felt that God had assured me that he would carry me though this, that I would not be alone.
It was a strange mix of emotions, going into labor. It should be a time of excitement and anticipation and for me it was. However, it was also a time of mourning and a feeling that this began a new countdown--a countdown to saying good bye to our dear son. Overall I felt a peace that could have only come from God and I had a trust that he would not let me fall and that I was not doing this alone.
Our kids were asleep in their beds, my in-laws were downstairs sleeping and my husband Trent and friend Heather and I continued to track my contractions. As we made progress, Heather would email updates to my friend Sarah who would then send out email updates to several friends. Our system was like a well oiled machine:)!
Her email at 11:50 PM stated:
"Contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart, Heather is in the shower. Her spirits are good. she is being light hearted and even laughing a bit. Everything is ready. She has had a few quiet moments so I think she is in a good place."
As it got later I think that Trent knew he probably shouldn't go to bed but the poor guy was likely quite tired. As I bounced up and down on a birthing ball sipping tea and waiting for the next contraction Heather and I were entertained by him playing Super Mario Cart Wii against some people in Japan.
The time seemed to move quickly and by May 10, 2:03 AM Heather wrote this to Sarah in her email:
"Contractions have gotten stronger, just called the midwife, she'll be here in about 30 minutes. Heather is getting a little quieter, she's in her room praying, I think all is going well."
My friends had sent me songs to compile on a CD for me to listen to during my labor and delivery. The songs they had chosen were perfect. Many of them were songs that had already been on my heart that week and they put to words the feelings I was having inside. As Heather had written in her email, I was in my bedroom, lit by candlelight, on my knees listening to a CD of music praying and crying out to God for strength.
At 3:32 AM Heather wrote:
“The midwife just checked Heather and she is dilated to a 3. Heather is going to lay down for a little while. The midwife is going back to the birth center to deliver another baby. Heather and I had a wonderful prayer time. She is really present and leaning on God. I'm gonna rest a while too. Hopefully I'll have an update soon with some progress."
At first I really didn't want to try to rest or sleep. I felt as though these were my last moments with my baby and that this labor was in some way my last act of love for him. I knew that in the coming days I would not have the same opportunity to be exhausted from sleepless nights with my baby as other moms would so it didn't feel right to sleep. My midwife convinced me though to consider that this labor may be very long and I would need my strength. I decided to try resting but was pretty sure that there was no way I could actually fall asleep with my contractions. Two hours later I woke up to stronger contractions and thought "you are kidding me, I actually slept:)?" I was pretty interested to see how close my contractions were at that point because they certainly were stronger. My midwife had asked us to call her when the contractions were 3-4 min apart and at least 40 seconds long and too painful for me to talk during them. I determined that my contractions qualified for the requirement of being too painful to talk through but they were not yet close enough or long enough. At 6:30 AM I decided to take a bath and for about 30 min I "relaxed" in the bath between strong contractions.
After my bath, my contractions started getting closer together. I remember laboring over the birthing ball, with little Sawyers blanket draped over it and just crying. This was not the labor I had in mind only a few days ago. So much had changed in such a short amount of time. How I wished that things could be different, I wanted so much to welcome him into the world with a smile on my face crying happy tears of joy. I wanted to show him off to family and friends and fall asleep with him safely by my side. I wanted to have fun trying out new Mom 4 Life baby products with him. I wanted to break open the box in our garage holding a new infant car seat and take him for his first car ride. I wanted to feel him kicking inside me once again. This however was not my future. I had a new reality waiting for me on he other side of these contractions and I need to be ready to face it.
At 7:30AM we called my midwife to come back to the house. Heather was helping me through my contractions with sweet, gentle, encouraging words. By the time the midwife arrived it was about 8:00AM and when she checked I was 7 cm dilated. Things were moving along quite well. My friend Lori (who gave us Sawyer's blanket draped over the birth ball in the photo above) had a friend that was a photographer that had also experienced the death of her baby. She lovingly offers to take photos for families such as ours. We wanted ideally to give her an hour notice before I gave birth to give her time to get to our house and set up so that we could start taking photos as soon as possible after Sawyer was born. Another lady was coming along with her to offer her services to make some beautiful impressions of Sawyer's hands and feet and one with our entire families hand prints. Around 8:30AM we called to let them know that I was pretty close and they should start heading our way. My midwife started filling up my bath with warm water and not long after that I could tell that my contractions were changing and I was starting to feel like I needed to push. I moved from my bedroom to the bathroom and did my best to get my pants off between contractions (I chuckle as I think back on this noting how different it is in a hospital where I would have been half naked hours before this point and would have been laying on my back in bed for many contractions before this one). My midwife told me to go ahead and try pushing and see how it felt, if it felt good, keep doing it, if not hold off a bit longer. Another contraction came on and I sat down on the toilet to try to brace and push though it "No! not, on the toilet!" I am told--opps:)! Between that contraction and the next I just barely got into the tub and squatted down and was able to push again. I remember saying "I can feel something coming." What a silly thing to say right? What else would be coming except my sweet baby:)? Just moments after that (and right before 9:00AM) Sawyers little head came out and I remember sitting there in my bath holding his head in my hands. My midwife was positioned right behind me and on the next contraction his body came out (I kept thinking "Wow that was fast" and later thinking that I was really glad I didn't stick around on that toilet any longer than I did!). It was an amazing surreal moment to birth Sawyer in my home, into my hands. Trent was behind me and was overcome with emotion. I felt a feeling of calm over me and a desire simply to treasure each and every moment that I could of this fleeting day. Things had moved along so quickly that the photographer had not yet arrived. His skin was very fragile, so in order to help preserve little Sawyer as long as possible, we kept him in the water until she arrived. Trent and i just sat there and stared at our little son as the minutes past. He little body was so still and I found myself trying to will him to move, just to wake up and surprise us all. His little body was all perfectly formed. He had dark brown hair and a perfect little nose and lips. We had thought that perhaps at birth we would see something about his appearance that would help us know why he had died but we couldn't see anything about his appearance that would point to a chromosomal problem. The cord had been over his shoulder but was plenty long so that didn't appear to be part of the problem either.
Once the photographer arrived, we took him out of the water and weighed him (he was 4 pounds, 7 oz). Because his skin was so fragile we opted not to dress him and simply wrapped him up in his special blanket. The photographer began taking photos of Sawyer in our bedroom while I took a few moments to dress myself and attempt to fix my hair in a way that would look presentable for photos. I remember thinking, what mom wants to have to get ready to take her first and last photos with her child just moments after giving birth? I had to just keep reminding myself that this situation, although not my ideal plan was now our new reality and I needed to embrace it for what it was and take it all in.
After Sawyer was all wrapped up in his blanket and we were ready to take photos we invited our kids into the room. We asked them if they wanted to see their brother. Hunter was very ready and eager to see his face. His first words were "I miss him already". He then asked other questions about why his eyes were closed and if Sawyer could come back from Heaven to play with him. Ashlyn was very hesitant, she was content to be near Sawyer but when we tried to take a photo of Sawyer's feet nestled in our families hands she did not want to put her hands near him. I really wanted the photo but didn't want to push her to do it if she didn't want to. We took lots of photos and when we get them back I will gladly share some of them with you.
After the photos were done, we did the impressions in clay of our families hands. In the photo below the lady in the red hat was doing the impressions and she was positioning Trent's hands into the clay while I watched. I am told we should get these back in several weeks. Both the photographer and the lady that did the impressions offer their services to us free of charge as a gift to families like ours. It is such a unique and precious gift to give, we will always treasure them!
After we had done everything we had wanted to do, we just took time to hold Sawyer for a while longer in bed. It is so hard to know when to say good bye, when to let go for the last time. How can you ever be "ready" to hand your child to someone else knowing you will never again see them, this side of Heaven? When it was time, we held on to the soft blue blanket he was being held in and wrapped him in another receiving blanket from my friend Heather. As I wrapped him up I began to cry again thinking that this was the first and last time I would ever swaddle Sawyer. Just a short time before we had been holding him and his little nose started to bleed and as I gently wiped it with a tissue I thought to myself, this is the only time I will ever get to wipe his nose. It tears at your heart to have these thoughts filled with so much finality all wrapped up into one experience.
We gave Sawyer to our midwife and she brought him to the man from the funeral home. Later our son asked why that man took Sawyer away and I was at a bit of a loss for what to tell him, wanting to give him honest answers but not wanting to give him answers that would just confuse or frustrate him. I told him that because Sawyer was dead his body wasn't alive anymore but that his spirit was in heaven with Jesus and that in Heaven Sawyer would have a new body. This man took Sawyer's body to a place where they will gently clean him and wrap him and keep it safe. Ugggh! "Why hadn't I thought ahead to that possible question so I could have a better answer?!"
Next he said, "Mom, I really wanted to have a brother to play with, I miss him."
"I do too honey, I do too", at least for that one I had an honest answer ready and waiting.
As I think back over Sawyer's birth I am filled with gratitude. For me it was very different from what I had first planned. However, it was a beautiful day and I am so thankful that I could give birth in the environment that was special and comfortable to me. I am so glad that we could have our short time with Sawyer in our home. I am thankful that I had a water birth so that as we waited for the photographer we could have that wonderful time just staring at little Sawyer in the water rather than being worried that too much time was passing before the photos were taken and he might not "look as good" anymore. I am thankful for the feeling of accomplishment that comes from giving birth in this way and feel blessed to have had such a quick delivery right into my own hands. I had no tearing and my physical recovery (engorged breasts aside) has been very good. My home was filled with people who love me and I was able to rest and sleep in my own bed. It was a day I will always treasure in my heart.
How you can pray for us today:
-Continued prayer that my milk would dry up as soon as physically possible (even sooner would be better:). Tuesday night I noticed that although "they" were as full as they could possibly be I had no pain in them unless they were touched, this to me is a miracle in itself and worth mentioning as a praise.
-Hunter seems to be acting out more than normal. We feel that it is either his feelings about Sawer dying or the fact that mom and dad haven't been as interactive with him lately because of all that has been going on (he has been spending more time with his grandparents that are here visiting with us). Perhaps it is a both of both!
We are thankful for:
-I (Heather) have not had a SINGLE night of fitful sleep since I found out that Sawyer died, I have had NO dreams, just reastful sleep--that can only be because of prayer. I typically have dreams almost every night and it usually takes me a long time before I am able to fall asleep.
-The amazing amount of prayer being said on our behalf, thank you SO much!
-The gift of meals that have been given to us so that we don't have to even so much as give a thought to what to make.
-Beautiful friends that are so willing to help out in any way that is needed.
-The oppertunity to learn more about trusting in God to take care of and guide us when the way seems unclear.
-The gift of a son named Sawyer Calvin Ledeboer that has touched the lives of so many people in such a short amount of time.
On a lighter note ,I made a terrible mistake the other day. Truly after giving birth two times before you would think that I would know better but no, I was stupidly optimistic. Deciding that I needed to organize my closet, I sorted out the pregnancy clothes that were now way too big, the stuff I could still wear and put away most of the winter clothing. Eying my favorite pair of jeans (pre-pregnancy jeans) I decided just to do a quick try-on. LOL I suppose you know what is coming. . . so things went pretty well as I pulled them up over my feet, my ankles did ok, my calves didn't cause too many problems, even my knees cooperated but my thighs, well, that is where the fun stopped, and stopped quickly. I had to shake my head and laugh at my foolishness. It is amazing to me that in the past I could pull these pants up ALL THE WAY! My lovely jeans have been returned to their hanger for another day. . . probably far in the future:)!
