I expected the rain, but never anticipated the rainbow by Heather Ledeboer
So I have decided something.
There are times we may find ourselves on a road that seems narrow and difficult to walk on and if we had a choice, we would have taken the broad, easy road. Our family has found itself on a road that I expected to be narrow and difficult, but I didn't know there would be so many beautiful flowers along the road. I expected the rain, but never anticipated the rainbow.
How can I possibly take in all the love that has been shown to us? Each email, every comment left on our blog, the phone calls, flowers, prayers (oh so many prayers) . . . they are like being wrapped in a healing gauze. Thank you. Thank you for being the healing hands of love that reach out to us. Thank you for being the flowers along the road and the rainbow in the stormy sky.
I was talking with my midwife on the phone tonight and we were discussing emotionally preparing for the birth of little Sawyer. It is not what we originally had in mind, it will not be what we had wanted it to be when we envisioned being at this stage in pregnancy but it IS what we have now and this is our new reality. It reminded me of when I was a little girl drawing a picture and would make a mistake. I hated making a mistake, it seemed that the entire picture had been ruined. My mom was great at helping me to find a way to turn that mistake into something pretty. A smudge or stray line could transformed into a flower or climbing vine. This world is not perfect nor are the people in it but our God is and he is able to take a situation that seems like a hopeless error and create out of it something beautiful and of new value. God is a redeemer, He specializes in righting the wrongs and healing the broken hearted. This gives me hope of a something greater than my pain rising from this in the end.
Today we decided to move forward with a plan of inducing the labor on Thursday with the thought of hopefully delivering Sawyer on Thursday or Friday. We had planned to tell the kids today (5/6) about Sawyer but we didn't have the window of time that we needed when we were ready to do it so we plan to do it tomorrow (5/7). As I mentioned in my last post, these two areas: the birth and telling our kids are the two areas of specific prayer that we would appreciate right now.
I hope in some small way I was able to convey to you how meaningful it has been to us (my husband and I) to receive your support though things even as simple as posting a reply on the blog. May you be richly blessed.
Heather,
Just wanted to let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I met you when you lived in Loma Linda.....I came by to pick up an order. I'm so very sorry for your loss. We'll be praying for you.
Naomi
Posted by: Naomi Ovando | May 07, 2008 at 03:09 AM
I will be praying for you today, as you tell your kids, and tomorrow, as you labor and deliver your precious son Sawyer.
Posted by: Rebecca | May 07, 2008 at 04:46 AM
praying for you in TN....
Posted by: jennifer | May 07, 2008 at 05:19 AM
Heather,
I just found you through Oh Amanda's blog, and my heart is aching for you. I will be praying for you today and tomorrow as you find a way to tell your children about their little brother and as you go through labor. Your peace shines through in your words, and I can tell you really feel the Lord holding you in His hands through this time. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Jodi | May 07, 2008 at 05:25 AM
Beautiful post, Heather. I wish I could say more, I just can't think of the right words. I've got tears in my eyes...
I'm praying about telling the kids and about the delivery.
(((hugs)))
Posted by: oh amanda | May 07, 2008 at 05:52 AM
You don't know me, but a friend forwarded your blog to me. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you as you share with your children and in the coming days with the delivery of your precious baby boy.
The love and trust you have for the Lord is so evident. I know that He is with you and you are covered in prayer by so many.
Christi
Posted by: Christi | May 07, 2008 at 06:14 AM
Heather,
I'm a friend of Sarah Jean's as well. I cannot imagine what the next 2 days will be like for you, but I just wanted you to know that there were so many people thinking of you at this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing your story as openly as you have.
With love,
Dana
Posted by: dana | May 07, 2008 at 06:33 AM
Praying to the God who created precious Sawyer for His glory - for you and your sweet family.
Posted by: Lori P | May 07, 2008 at 06:39 AM
Our family will be praying for you, Heather. I have been a customer and avid reader of your blog for some time now. I have been following your pregnancy with great interest - as I am pregnant with my third child as well, due in July.
I can not begin to imagine what you must be going through. I have always admired you as an extraordinary business woman and mother. And now, I stand in awe that you are able to handle this devastating time in your life with such grace.
With much love,
Sara
Posted by: Sara Reider | May 07, 2008 at 06:42 AM
Heather ... I'm am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. You put it so beautifully into words and it really touches home with me and summarizes my feelings after my daughter was born with Down syndrome. It wasn't our plan and we shed tears, but she is the most amazing thing that could have ever happened to us. Praying for you and your family as you go through labor to deliver baby Sawyer. Also praying to you continue to have peace after his delivery as you are given that short period of time to love on him.
Posted by: Bethany | May 07, 2008 at 06:49 AM
Continued hugs and prayers.
Posted by: Laura @ Laura Williams' Musings | May 07, 2008 at 06:57 AM
Oh Heather...The post is beautiful. I have tears in my eyes....I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and your family. May the love of the Lord comfort you during this difficult time.
Love,
Sherri
Posted by: Sherri | May 07, 2008 at 07:10 AM
Heather,
I found you through Amanda's blog and just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. Sending out hugs.
Posted by: Jen | May 07, 2008 at 07:21 AM
Heather,
I have been in a near constant state of prayer for you and your family. May the Lord rain down peace and blessings on you in the coming days as you tell your children and go through the labor and delivery of baby Sawyer. I hope it brings you some comfort to know that Love of Christ shines through your every word on your blog and is an awesome testimony. You are an inspiration.
Love,
Andrea Terry, Chino Hills
Posted by: Andrea Terry | May 07, 2008 at 07:46 AM
Heather & Family,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine going through what you are right now. You are a very strong woman. I'm sure there will be many more rainbows to come. You seem to touch everyone's life that you come in contact with. As hard as it is, thank you for sharing your life and experiances with us. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: ruth | May 07, 2008 at 07:55 AM
Continuing to pray for you as you walk this difficult road.
Posted by: Melody Gross | May 07, 2008 at 07:58 AM
We will be praying for your labor and all the emotions that go with it. That God will be with you through it all. And that your children's hearts will be alright with this sad news but have hope that they will see their little brother one day with the Heavenly Father.
Posted by: Rachel Johnson | May 07, 2008 at 07:59 AM
I'm praying praying praying.
Posted by: Tara R | May 07, 2008 at 07:59 AM
heather, you are the strongest woman i know! thinking of you and yours. angie
Posted by: angie | May 07, 2008 at 09:16 AM
Heather, you are beautiful beyond words- inside and out. My heart aches for you & baby Sawyer and your family today. I am thinking of you and praying, praying, praying.
If there is anything at all I can do, please let me know.
Love,
Stephanie
Posted by: Adventures In Babywearing | May 07, 2008 at 09:17 AM
Heather,
I admire your strength and character. May this coming Mother's Day bring you happiness and special memories. Your photos are amazing.
Posted by: Heidi C | May 07, 2008 at 09:35 AM
A friend of mine had forwarded the following link to me last year in case I ever knew of anyone that might need it. www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org
You probably have already heard of them, but I thought it might be helpful.
We will continue to pray for you and your family.
Posted by: Ann Vance | May 07, 2008 at 09:38 AM
we are so very sorry for your loss. your strength and grace in navigating through this tremendous tragedy are truly inspirational. thank you for sharing your experience. our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: yuki & team wagamama | May 07, 2008 at 09:43 AM
This is my first visit to your blog and I just want to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I pray for your angel baby Sawyer and for all of you at this terribly difficult time...
Posted by: Elaine | May 07, 2008 at 09:49 AM
Dearest Heather,
My heart is aching for you. And I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Also, I am humbled by your strength and courage. Your perfect trust and testimony of God's perfect love is purifying. I will be praying for you and each member of your family. Those pictures Sarah took are breathtaking! I am here for you. Sending my blessings of peace and love your way.
Love,
Debbie Savage
Baby Emi
Posted by: Debbie Savage | May 07, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Heather,
You have been on my mind almost constantly over the last two days. I have been praying for God to be with you in a very real way as you go through this difficult time. May you continue to lean on Him for His "peace that passes all understanding". We all love you and are here for you should you need anything.
Karin and the steering team from MOPS
Posted by: Karin Kalb | May 07, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Heather,
I really wanted to let you know that you and your family ARE IN my thoughts and prayers. May the Lord bless you in the coming days as you tell your children and go through the labor and delivery of Sawyer. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know as you look at the picture that you took last week it will remind you of the time you had with Sawyer. You are such a truly amazing woman. I know God has a plan for you, and you will get through this. We'll be praying for you.
May God Bless you and warm your heart.
[{(BIG HUGS)}]
Love,
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth (Pointless Babbling...) | May 07, 2008 at 10:16 AM
Heather,
I know that this is so very hard. Thank you for so openly and beautifully sharing your heart. God will use this hard thing to bring healing to others through your words. We pray that God will give the kids peaceful and understanding hearts and that He will hold you and your husband in his loving arms through the labor and the healing.
In Jesus' amazing love,
Dee Ann
Posted by: Dee Ann | May 07, 2008 at 10:52 AM
Heather,
My heartaches. So impossible. Your words and resolve are beautiful... I'm praying for you all and just hope you can feel a little bit of the love coming your way.
xoxo,
Ashlee
Posted by: Ashlee - Mama's Nest | May 07, 2008 at 10:58 AM
We posted a prayer request for you on our blog! You are in our prayers as well!
God Bless, just remember you will always have a little angel watching down on you from up above and I'm sure God will keep him safe. I too know , my little angel was lost back in 2002.
Posted by: Kristinia | May 07, 2008 at 11:12 AM
Heather,
Oh Heather... I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you. My heart is with you and baby Sawyer. And my prayers. And my strength. I know that we only know of each other through this blog world... but please know that you have someone here thinking of you and wishing I could be there to help in any way possible.
Please know that I am sending you all my thoughts... and Sawyer.
My love to you,
Audrey
Pinks & Blues
www.pinksandblues.com
Posted by: Audrey - Pinks & Blues | May 07, 2008 at 11:23 AM
i just received your blog update and wanted to say i am so sorry for your loss and i have sent up a prayer for your family and also for you specifically as you go through labour ... please know that as a mum myself, i know there is nothing i could say to help you but that my thgts are with you at this tough time. please take good care.
Posted by: pauline | May 07, 2008 at 11:27 AM
Heather & Family,
I am so sorry for you loss, my husband, Andrew & I will definitely be praying for you today and tomorrow. I can see in your blog that God is giving you the strength that you need at the moment you need it. We do serve an amazing God. I will pray that things go as smoothly as possible for you.
Love, Joy
Posted by: Joy Drake | May 07, 2008 at 11:28 AM
Oh Heather...I'm so, so sorry. May the Lord be near your family and give you the grace you need for these days. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Is. 41:10
Posted by: Alisha E | May 07, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Heather,
You and your family are on my mind constantly. I pray for you much over the next few days, but really forever that you are able to, at some point, be at a state of peace over what has happened to baby Sawyer. You are a strong person and you speak so beautifully about your little angel. My heart is still so sad for you and will be for a long time. God bless you and your family through this rough time.
Posted by: Sheila McGoldrick | May 07, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Oh Heather...I'm so, so sorry. May the Lord be near your family and give you the grace you need for these days. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Is. 41:10
Posted by: Alisha E | May 07, 2008 at 11:42 AM
You've been in my thoughts and prayers all day today! I know that tomorrow will be a day of such mixed emotions, but I pray that in the stillness of your home that you as a family will find healing and peace in your moments with Sawyer. May the Lord continue to wrap you in His arms and give you comfort and peace. Hugs!!!
Posted by: Sarah W | May 07, 2008 at 12:50 PM
I am crying and praying for you right now. May you feel the warmth of love for you.
Posted by: ellinghouse | May 07, 2008 at 12:53 PM
I am a friend of Sarah Jean's and just wanted you to know we're praying for you all the way in St. Louis, MO. Reading your story shows me what an incredibly strong woman you are. Praying so much for your family.
Posted by: Rea | May 07, 2008 at 01:17 PM
This is the first time I came to your blog, and am so sorry to read the last two posts! You and your family are in my prayers!!
Posted by: Aimee | May 07, 2008 at 02:08 PM
Heather, I am so sorry about your loss. You are such a strong and amazing woman. You, Trent and the kids are in our constant prayers. God Bless
Posted by: Chrissy | May 07, 2008 at 02:34 PM
Heather your strength is amazing! You are truly an insiration to me...your words are so loving at a time when you are in so much pain, thank you for sharing your God like love and peace! I will continue to pray for all that you need during this difficult time! May God cover you and your family with love! Love you!
Posted by: Mindy | May 07, 2008 at 02:48 PM
I keep thinking and praying for you after reading your news yesterday. Thank you for blessing our lives with your faith and Christian service. You are a rare jewel and it hurts my heart to know what you're facing right now. However, I take assurance that our God who "comforts us in our sorrows" will see you through this.
Posted by: Lana | May 07, 2008 at 02:57 PM
heather
your family is in our thoughts and prayers during this heart breaking time.
we cannot imagine your grief and are uplifted by your faith.
we pray for strength talking to the kids and during labor.
you are a graceful Christian.
love, kara
Posted by: kara | May 07, 2008 at 03:18 PM
You are truly an inspirational woman. I am praying for you and your family and your sweet angel baby.
Posted by: Emily | May 07, 2008 at 03:32 PM
Tears flowing for you, Heather. Praying for you today 5/7 as you tell H & A and as you induce and birth sweet Sawyer. Also praying for God to hold you in His hands this Mother's Day. Be wrapped in his Grace and Love. Joshua 33:27 "The eternal God is you Refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Posted by: Christy | May 07, 2008 at 03:32 PM
Heather & family,
You've got a family up in Canada praying for you too. May God Bless you at this difficult time.
.. Diane Sam
MoBoleez
Posted by: Diane Same | May 07, 2008 at 03:52 PM
Dearest Heather, Trent, & family,
Your love and trust in the Lord shine thru in your blog like I cannot believe! I am SO SORRY for loss of baby Sawyer. I am so happy that you got those beautiful pictures taken while he was still with you... you will always have them to look back on. I am deeply humbled by your peace and trust in the Lord, I can only hope and pray that I could handle something so difficult it as well as you. You are a wonderful and strong person. I will continue praying for you and your family during this difficult time! I pray that you find many more rainbows and flowers as you continue down this difficult road!
With all my love and prayers and in His name,
Crystal Westphal (Athol)
Posted by: Crystal Westphal | May 07, 2008 at 04:17 PM
I just wanted to add to all the beautiful words already spoken. Each sincere I am certain. Although I have walked this road, it makes your path no less difficult to tread.
I just wanted to lend an ear, a shoulder, a prayer your way. anytime, anyday.
Your experience, your faith has touched more than you know.
Vikki
Posted by: Vikki | May 07, 2008 at 04:53 PM
I just wanted to add to all the beautiful words already spoken. Each sincere I am certain. Although I have walked this road, it makes your path no less difficult to tread.
I just wanted to lend an ear, a shoulder, a prayer your way. anytime, anyday.
Your experience, your faith has touched more than you know.
Vikki
Posted by: Vikki | May 07, 2008 at 04:54 PM