A heart that aches by Heather Ledeboer
Life is so precious. We were reminded of this today when we found out that our sweet baby Sawyer due in just three short weeks no longer has a beating heart.
I have been so blessed with two healthy children and problem-free pregnancies that this came as quite a surprise to us. We don't have a reason why at this time. Perhaps after he is born we will know more as to the "whys".
My heart longs to wake up and find that this new reality is not true. I wish to fast forward just a few weeks to the excitement of impending labor and a little wrinkly baby that is so small and perfect and alive. I long to look deep into his eyes and see him staring back at me. It is so strange to lose something you have never fully had. My sadness comes and goes in waves. My tears flow freely and then at times are gone as I wonder why I am not more upset and today is only the first day. Tomorrow I will wake up and find that this is all still here. I still have a big belly but there is no moving baby inside. There will be no infant to nurse when my body is ready to give milk and no baby to hold when my arms ache to reach out in the coming months and hold him close. We haven't told our kids yet. I know we will and need to very soon but today it was just easier not to. It feels so final to tell your children something like that. Hunter has been really excited about this baby. I don't want to take that away just yet. Our tomorrow's have been forever changed today.
Everything that I have has been given to me by the Lord, whether it be for a moment or for years to come. I choose to embrace the moments I had with Sawyer and the amazing miracle of life. I have so much to be thankful for in Hunter and Ashlyn, our two very healthy children and in my marriage to my loving husband. I rejoice in amazing friends and family who have reached out in love. I think of our long winter this year and how we have talked about how thankful it makes us for the spring. Without the dark days we don't truly appreciate the light.
Knowing the loving moms that read this blog I know your hearts will ache as mine does. I would love prayers for our family. Specifically, I would love prayers for when I go into labor. We have not yet decided when we might "induce" labor and until we do it could of course happen at any time. I have such a mix of emotions when thinking about giving birth and I know it will be very difficult in every sense of the word. We had already planed to do an at home birth with a midwife and we continue to plan on this and are grateful for the opportunity to give birth in our home and in a loving place surrounded by those we love.
Below is a photo taken just over a week ago. It is especially precious to me knowing that our little Sawyer was alive at the time this was taken.
Heather,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sawyer is blessed to have you as a mother. Physically it may have been a short time but in heaven, an eternity. You are such a strong and amazing woman. Please know that we are all thinking of you and your family.
Love, Jen (babydrama)
Posted by:Jen | May 06, 2008 at 03:20 PM
Heather, Sarah Jean shared this news with me, and I'm just so heartbroken for you and your family. I am so happy to have been a part of your maternity pictures... they mean so much more to me now, as I know they do to you too. You and the family are in my thoughts and prayers. It's so hard to make sense of things like this, even with a strong faith. I will continue to pray for you all and wish you so much strength in facing the hardships to come. Take care of yourself.
Allison Zercher
Posted by:Allison | May 06, 2008 at 03:38 PM
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about Sawyer. May the Lord comfort you and your family. May you find strength in Him and in one another. I pray for a peaceful and easy labor. May the Lord give you peace and the strength you will need in the days and weeks ahead. My heartfelt sympathies.
Posted by:Paula, Mount Juliet TN | May 06, 2008 at 03:48 PM
Forgive any typos, I am writing this thru a constant mountain of tears. Heather, I am so sorry. I really don't know what else to say. I have never met you and probably never will, but your blog allows me a peek into your world and I feel as though something inside of me has died as well.
Posted by:drew | May 06, 2008 at 04:52 PM
Forgive any typos, I am writing this thru a constant mountain of tears. Heather, I am so sorry. I really don't know what else to say. I have never met you and probably never will, but your blog allows me a peek into your world and I feel as though something inside of me has died as well.
Posted by:drew | May 06, 2008 at 04:54 PM
Dear Heather,
I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you right now. You'll be in my prayers these next weeks.
Posted by:Marina Westerdahl | May 06, 2008 at 04:59 PM
I am truly and deeply sorry. I am so glad that you have such a strong faith to rely on at this time. You are such a nice warm open person, I feel like I know you even though we've never met. We are thinking about you and wishing you peace.
Posted by:Siri Heinrichs | May 06, 2008 at 06:19 PM
heather,
i'm really really sorry about sawyer. i cant imagine what your going through. i love you so much. i'll be praying for you. tell trent, hunter and ashlyn i love them.
i love you,
hailey
Posted by:hailey gates | May 06, 2008 at 06:34 PM
Oh, Heather. Psalm 34:18 says God is close to the broken hearted and those who are crushed in spirit. I pray you'll feel Him close today.
Posted by:oh amanda | May 06, 2008 at 07:09 PM
Heather...you are a woman of God. May you stand firm in that. This is so not fair....for you to lose your baby boy....but His strength, peace, and grace are forever....Rest is Him. We love you. Katie
Posted by:Kate Shaw | May 06, 2008 at 07:32 PM
I am sooo Sorry!!!
Posted by:Lisa | May 06, 2008 at 07:39 PM
Heather~
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am amazed at your eloquence and your ability to see the light through this dark time. I wish I had words that could lessen your pain. Please know you will be in my prayers.
Posted by:ExtraordinaryMommy | May 06, 2008 at 07:45 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your labor is gentle and beautiful.
Posted by:Beth K | May 06, 2008 at 07:51 PM
Heather,
I am so sorry for your loss. My baby Katie is in heaven along with Sawyer and I take comfort in knowing that someday we will all be united. And just as your faith will sustain you, mine not only got me through, but brought me closer to God and it led me to comforting moms just like you and honoring our babies. I share my story and this new passion on my humble little website:www.heavenborn.com. I hope you will find some helpful words of wisdom from a mom who's been there. One other bit of advice I can give, is to seek out a photographer to capture this painful yet incredible time you will have with your precious baby. You will be so thankful in the years to come that you have those images to help you feel close to him (visit: www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org). You and your family will be strongly in my prayers. Please email me if you need an understanding ear.
Take care,
Maureen Day
Heaven Born Founder
www.heavenborn.com
Blog: http://heavenbornblog.blogspot.com
Posted by:Maureen Day | May 06, 2008 at 08:12 PM
Heather, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I heard from a friend of ours at MOPS about your terrible loss. My heart is with you and if you or your family need anything, just let me know and I will be there.
Posted by:Michele | May 06, 2008 at 08:19 PM
Oh I cannot express in words how sorry I am. You are in my prayers.
Posted by:Jen-The Mom | May 06, 2008 at 08:30 PM
Heather, we are so saddened for you and your family. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. May the Lord give you an amazing amount of courage, strength, peace and grace as you face this trial. Rachel Memmelaar
Posted by:Rachel Memmelaar | May 06, 2008 at 08:46 PM
Heather, we are so saddened for you and your family. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. May the Lord give you an amazing amount of courage, strength, peace and grace as you face this trial. Rachel Memmelaar
Posted by:Rachel Memmelaar | May 06, 2008 at 08:47 PM
Heather,
I am so sorry for your loss. My baby Katie is in heaven along with Sawyer and I take comfort in knowing that someday we will all be united. And just as your faith will sustain you, mine not only got me through, but brought me closer to God and it led me to comforting moms just like you and honoring our babies. I share my story and this new passion on my humble little website: www.heavenborn.com. I hope you will find some helpful words of wisdom from a mom who's been there. One other bit of advice I can give, is to seek out a photographer to capture this painful yet incredible time you will have with your precious baby. You will be so thankful in the years to come that you have those images to help you feel close to him (visit: www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org). You will be strongly in my prayers. Please email me if you need an understanding ear.
Take care,
Maureen Day
Heaven Born Founder
http://www.heavenborn.com
Blog: http://heavenbornblog.blogspot.com
Posted by:Maureen Day | May 06, 2008 at 08:54 PM
Prayers to you and your family during this difficult time. My heart breaks for your loss.
Posted by:Holly | May 06, 2008 at 09:04 PM
I am so sorry Heather. My prayers and thoughts are definitely with your family.
Posted by:Sarah Kimmel | May 06, 2008 at 09:06 PM
Heather,
I am so very sorry to hear about your great loss. I recently went through a somewhat similar trial, found out our babies heart was no longer beating at a routine doctor's appt (although much earlier than you) and it was a total shock. It is quite difficult to understand things like this.
You are an incredible woman. You will get through this. You have helped and loved so many people and now it's our turn to love and support you the best we can.
God bless you and your beautiful family.
Posted by:Melissa | May 06, 2008 at 09:11 PM
Heather,
We ache for you and the loss you are experiencing. We will be praying that the Lord will cover you with an insurmountable amount of peace and grace as you deal with what is yet to come. We are deeply sorry for your loss.
He is FAITHFUL!
Posted by:Faithy | May 06, 2008 at 09:23 PM
I have been so engrossed in the political campaign here in Indiana... and then I read about your story and it truly put it in perspective. Heather, you are an AMAZING woman and my heart aches for your loss. I admire your grace for being able to write this post. There is no words that any of us have that will make the pain go away, but please know that I stand with you as your sister in womanhood and motherhood. I am so sorry. Having lost two pregnancies early on gave me a glimpse into what you must be going through... I pray that your family, your love and strength will help you at this difficult time.
Posted by:Jane Ivanov | May 06, 2008 at 09:24 PM
You are in my heart and in my prayers. I wish I had more to offer you. Sending lots of love.
Posted by:Emily | May 06, 2008 at 09:40 PM
Hi Heather-
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope that you are comforted in knowing that God has very special plans for little Sawyer. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Peace be with you,
Kim
Posted by:Kim | May 06, 2008 at 09:43 PM
Ohhh Heather,
I'm sending you a hug. You are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.
xoxo
Tania
Posted by:Tania | May 06, 2008 at 09:45 PM
Hi Heather-
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope that you are comforted in knowing that God has very special plans for little Sawyer. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Peace be with you,
Kim
Posted by:Kim | May 06, 2008 at 09:45 PM
Heather, My heart goes out to you and your family. There are no words that can express how I feel or how I ache for you and your family. We will all be praying for you and your family.
Posted by:Cindi | May 06, 2008 at 09:46 PM
May the Lord bless you and Keep you and may he Make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you may he look upon you and give you peace
we are praying for your sweet family tonight.
the worths
Posted by:liberty | May 06, 2008 at 09:49 PM
Heather,
I am so sorry to read about your loss and the pain you are all feeling.
My thoughts are with you.
Posted by:Joan Goldner | May 06, 2008 at 09:57 PM
Dear Heather, Trent & Family,
My heart, a mother's heart, grieves upon hearing of your loss. Hold your belly, love that baby and take your time with this. The Lord decided to call your little angel back - as you said - we don't know why and we will not know why for a long time. In the interim,I pray that you and your family come to feel peace. All we can do is "trust in him at all times" - even in the hardest of times. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by:Andria S. | May 06, 2008 at 10:31 PM
So so sorry for your loss. That last photo of you and your baby is so sweet. Hold on to your good memories.
Posted by:Susanne | May 06, 2008 at 10:44 PM
Heather, you do not know me, but I am a friend of Heather, who is with you now (I helped @ Tessa's Birth)& I too have suffered this same loss almost 3 years ago. On June 10, 2005 my dear baby Alexa Rose was born sleeping. I am so so sorry that your baby Sawyer is gone. If there is anything you need, or want to ask, please do not hesitate to contact me. Heather can get my phone # to you, or you can email me. My blog has many posts on it, & I even have an older one that I started when she died @ http://debstmomywrites.blogspot.com/ iif you want you can see my journey. You are not alone, Mama. I am here to help...just ask, or have someone ask for you. I am holding you & your family gently in my heart during this sad time.
Posted by:Cristina | May 06, 2008 at 11:17 PM
I am a friend of Sarah Jeans. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.
Posted by:Buffy | May 07, 2008 at 01:21 AM
Heather, We have never met or even spoken but I have purchased products from you and you have always been an inspiration to me. I am so sorry for your loss. This is such devastating news for you and your family - it is unimaginable. I will never have any words to take the pain away but please know that my entire family and I will be praying for you and your family at this time. We will pray that God holds you and your family in His arms and comforts you and gives you peace. Again, I am so sad for you and very sorry for your loss.
Posted by:Laurie | May 07, 2008 at 03:56 AM
Heather, I can barely see the screen through my tears. I am praying right now that God carries you. I pray that He hold you so close that you feel His presence everywhere. I am deeply hurting for your loss. You are a precious, dear, wonderful person - and you are my sister in Christ. You will be on my heart today, tomorrow, and in the weeks and months to come - I will be in continual prayer for you. I am so, so, sorry.
Love,
Lily Winnail
Posted by:Lily Winnail | May 07, 2008 at 04:04 AM
I'm so sorry Heather and family. My heart aches for you, but I am praying, praying hard for your family. - Tif (formerly dara&scott)
Posted by:Tif | May 07, 2008 at 04:37 AM
Heather, I found you via www.ohamanda.com.
I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray.
Posted by:Rebecca | May 07, 2008 at 04:41 AM
Dear Dear Heather,
your strength gleams through in this tragic moment. May this strength, this moment, bring you wisdom and insight to enhance the beautiful human being that you are. My blessings to you and your family, my prayers are with you......patricia
Posted by:patricia delisa | May 07, 2008 at 05:01 AM
Dear Heather,
I'm so sorry ... I will pray for you and your family through this most difficult time. It's hard to understand why someone of your faith and loving ways would have to feel this hurt...but what happens all happens for a reason... and the Lord will take care of Sawyer..and you and your family....You are a inspiration to all mother's.
Posted by:Joanne Abbey | May 07, 2008 at 05:05 AM
Oh Heather I'm so sorry. I cant even imagine the sadness and pain you must feel. It truely is one of the worst things that can happen. You are such an amaizing person with a big heart and it shouldnt have happened. The sad truth is "time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all" but its all wrong and not fair. I will keep you in my prayers.
Posted by:Denee Forbes | May 07, 2008 at 06:05 AM
Heather~
I am so sorry for your loss and was speechless when I found out about Sawyer! May God give you and your family the strength to get through this sad and difficult time. I will be praying for all of you! XOXOX
Posted by:Laurie W. | May 07, 2008 at 06:09 AM
Heather,
My heart aches for you and your family. Please take comfort in knowing how deeply we care. I, too, know the pain you are going through, losing four babies in utero. Three were miscarriages at 12-14 weeks, and Autumn's twin was lost late in my tenth pregnancy, carried to term, and delivered with Autumn. Over the years, I have found motherhood is a precious journey filled with tears of joy and sorrow. You will see blue skies again...that I promise. I'll call to check on you soon. Stephanie Neurohr
Posted by:Stephanie Neurohr | May 07, 2008 at 06:25 AM
Heather,
I am devastated over your loss of Baby Sawyer. I can't even imagine your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family.
Posted by:Sharon Vinderine | May 07, 2008 at 06:39 AM
Heather
God does NOT make mistakes. Remember this. It is very important. You know my story. Any time you want to talk. I am here for you. May God Bless you and hold you in his arms.
Tammie
Posted by:Tammie Aaron-Barrada | May 07, 2008 at 06:43 AM
Thank you for posting the beautiful photo, though it makes the loss of Sawyer even more deeply sad. Wishing you peace and love.
Posted by:Katy | May 07, 2008 at 07:35 AM
Dear Heather and family,
my most heartfelt prayers and sympathy go out to you. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. I have only just joined Mom4Life, and have never met you, but the news of your loss brings tears to my eyes as if we had been lifelong friends. I am so, so deeply saddened to hear this news, and shall keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by:Valerie Sumner | May 07, 2008 at 07:41 AM
My heart goes out to you, your family and to Sawyer. I will be sending you prayers and admire your amazing strength.
Posted by:WoobeeMom | May 07, 2008 at 07:57 AM
Oh my goodness, Heather. I am soooo sorry for you and your family. I cannot think of anything more devastating. Certainly there are no words to address your loss. Know that my prayers are with you as you work through this moment with your loved ones by your side.
Posted by:themommykelly | May 07, 2008 at 08:00 AM