A heart that aches by Heather Ledeboer
Life is so precious. We were reminded of this today when we found out that our sweet baby Sawyer due in just three short weeks no longer has a beating heart.
I have been so blessed with two healthy children and problem-free pregnancies that this came as quite a surprise to us. We don't have a reason why at this time. Perhaps after he is born we will know more as to the "whys".
My heart longs to wake up and find that this new reality is not true. I wish to fast forward just a few weeks to the excitement of impending labor and a little wrinkly baby that is so small and perfect and alive. I long to look deep into his eyes and see him staring back at me. It is so strange to lose something you have never fully had. My sadness comes and goes in waves. My tears flow freely and then at times are gone as I wonder why I am not more upset and today is only the first day. Tomorrow I will wake up and find that this is all still here. I still have a big belly but there is no moving baby inside. There will be no infant to nurse when my body is ready to give milk and no baby to hold when my arms ache to reach out in the coming months and hold him close. We haven't told our kids yet. I know we will and need to very soon but today it was just easier not to. It feels so final to tell your children something like that. Hunter has been really excited about this baby. I don't want to take that away just yet. Our tomorrow's have been forever changed today.
Everything that I have has been given to me by the Lord, whether it be for a moment or for years to come. I choose to embrace the moments I had with Sawyer and the amazing miracle of life. I have so much to be thankful for in Hunter and Ahslyn, our two very healthy children and in my marriage to my loving husband. I rejoice in amazing friends and family who have reached out in love. I think of our long winter this year and how we have talked about how thankful it make us for the spring. Without the dark days we don't truly appreciate the light.
Knowing the loving moms that read this blog I know your hearts will ache as mine does. I would love prayers for our family. Specifically, I would love prayers for when I go into labor. We have not yet decided when we might "induce" labor and until we do it could of course happen at any time. I have such a mix of emotions when thinking about giving birth and I know it will be very difficult in every sense of the word. We had already planed to do an at home birth with a midwife and we continue to plan on this and are grateful for the opportunity to give birth in our home and in a loving place surrounded by those we love.
Below is a photo taken just over a week ago. It is especially precious to me knowing that our little Sawyer was alive at the time this was taken.
Oh Heather... the tears... You speak so beautifully and lovingly. Of course, our prayers and tears are with you and your family. We are so sorry for your loss! Sawyer will be waiting to hug you in Heaven.
Posted by: Tammy | May 06, 2008 at 12:02 AM
Heather,
My heart is hurting for your family this morning. I'm so sorry for your loss. Many hugs and prayers during this time.
Posted by: Laura @ Laura Williams' Musings | May 06, 2008 at 05:30 AM
Heather,
I am so very sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so heartbroken and in tears for you.
Posted by: Heather | May 06, 2008 at 05:38 AM
My prayers go to you and your family. I am in tears for all of you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Dee F. | May 06, 2008 at 05:49 AM
Oh Heather...I'm so sorry. I know that sorry can't even describe how you are feeling...and I can only imagine how my heart would break if something like this happened our little babe inside my stomach. You will defintely be in my thoughts and prayers...a LOT.
Posted by: Andrea | May 06, 2008 at 06:22 AM
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I will most certainly be praying.
Posted by: Tara R | May 06, 2008 at 06:36 AM
My family will surely be pray for you and your family.
Posted by: Rachel Johnson | May 06, 2008 at 07:28 AM
Heather,
I haven't stopped thinking about you and praying for you since yesterday. Having lost 2 babies of my own, I just ache for you. I actually woke up with you on my mind this morning. I weep for you and can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. May this terrible expeience draw you ever closer into the arms of the Lord.
Love,
Andrea Terry, Chino Hills
Posted by: Andrea Terry | May 06, 2008 at 07:40 AM
My heart is broken for you and your family, I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray, thank you for sharing.
Sarah, WA
Posted by: sarah | May 06, 2008 at 07:50 AM
Heather,
My heart is aching for you right now as the tears fill my eyes. I am so sorry for your pain and that of your family's. I am praying for you at this most difficult time, knowing that God is holding you tightly as you grieve.
Posted by: Beth | May 06, 2008 at 08:09 AM
Oh Heather, my heart breaks for you. I am praying for you.
Posted by: Melody Gross | May 06, 2008 at 08:09 AM
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am crying inside and my heart is sad. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Oh Heather, may you have a sense of peace as you go through labor. Please, please know we are here for you.
Posted by: Sheila McGoldrick | May 06, 2008 at 08:33 AM
Your family is in my thoughts during this very diffucult time for you.
Posted by: Stephanie | May 06, 2008 at 08:33 AM
Heather, I am so sad for you. My heart aches as I read your words. I pray that God's peace comes over you as you go into labor and that your labor room will be filled with God's love and comfort. I know that it is hard to understand but we can all find comfort in knowing that God is holding Sawyer right now.
Posted by: AllyZabba | May 06, 2008 at 08:40 AM
I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Erin H. | May 06, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Oh Heather....my heart goes out to you and your family including Sawyer. Trust that God has a much larger plan and although this is a difficult time right now; have faith that you will find solace. In the meantime, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Karen | May 06, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Oh Heather. No words can express my sadness for you and your family. I am so glad (if that's even appropriate) that you will be in your loving home for this. You and your family are in my prayers.
Posted by: sara | May 06, 2008 at 09:29 AM
May God bless you and your family with his peace and comfort as you go through the birth and loss of your sweet baby. You will be in our prayers.
Posted by: Sallie | May 06, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Even though I don't personally know you, I feel I know you from your blog. My heart aches for you and your family. Strength is certainly what you will need in the coming weeks, my prayers and good wishes are with you.
Posted by: Kellie | May 06, 2008 at 09:32 AM
Heather, my heart aches for you and your family. I will be praying for you. May the Lord envelope you in a peace that surpasses understanding.
Posted by: Jessica Hekman | May 06, 2008 at 09:44 AM
Heather, I am SO sad for you and sorry for the loss of your baby Sawyer. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Zynnia | May 06, 2008 at 09:51 AM
I only know you through Sarah Jean and Mom4Life, but I think you are incredible. I am so deeply sorry that Sawyer is gone. It breaks my heart that something that was to be so joyful and celebrated is now full of sadness and grief. I will keep you in prayer for strength and comfort for the days ahead, and especially for the delivery. May God wrap you, your family, and sweet Sawyer in love and grace.
Posted by: Karen M. | May 06, 2008 at 09:57 AM
Heather, I am heartbroken for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that we have never met, but we are Sisters in Christ, so that makes us family.Just know that I am praying for you, that is all that I know to do. May God give you comfort. Growing up I sang in the choir at church. And these are the words from my favorite song that we sang. They have helped me in my hard times. " I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet, and anytime that I don't know what to do. I will cast all my cares upon you." God bless you!
Posted by: Bliss | May 06, 2008 at 10:09 AM
Oh Heather...I think I had to read this a few times to get over the shock myself. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I pray for the Lord's loving arms to wrap around you and your family during this time. Remember that Sawyer's life is now eternal....and he's sitting on the lap of the Father! Hugs and prayers......Sarah
Posted by: Sarah W | May 06, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Heather, my heart aches for you and your family. I wish I had some sort of profound saying or a way to lessen the pain. Please know that you will all be in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Frankie | May 06, 2008 at 10:16 AM
I am crying with you and feel just horrible and sick at your loss. My family will be thinking and praying for your through this difficult time.
God bless. Robyn & Family
Posted by: Robyn | May 06, 2008 at 10:29 AM
Oh, Heather....
My heart is hurting for you and your family. I am so, so, so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you as you prepare for his birth. I will pray for peace and comfort to surround you in the midst of the ache and loss.
Posted by: Krista | May 06, 2008 at 10:36 AM
Heather, you and your family are in my prayers. May the Lord watch over and hold you close.
Posted by: Erin | May 06, 2008 at 10:39 AM
Sending you big hugs of comfort... You are in our prayers and wish only peace and love from our Lord and savior. Much love, Jenn
Posted by: jenn lackey | May 06, 2008 at 10:56 AM
I can't even say what I am feeling for you right now because there are no words. Know that my thoughts are with you & your family (((hugs)))
Posted by: Alexia | May 06, 2008 at 11:01 AM
To hear you tell this story... you are so strong. We are so sorry for your heartache. We are thinking about you...
The Baldi Family
Yucaipa, CA.
Posted by: Christian Baldi | May 06, 2008 at 11:11 AM
I am so very sorry Heather! I am crying and my heart is aching for you and your family during this unimaginable time. You will be in me prayers hour to hour...may God cover you and your family with his love and peace right now! Mathew 5:4 Blesssed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. That is my prayer for you during this difficult time. I am here for you if you need anything!! Love you!
Posted by: Mindy | May 06, 2008 at 11:13 AM
I am so very sorry for you. I can't imagine the loss.
Posted by: Rose Cochran | May 06, 2008 at 11:24 AM
I am so very sorry Heather! I am crying with you, and my heart is aching for you and your family during this unimaginable time. You will be in my prayers hour to hour. I pray that God will comfort you with his love right now. Mathew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. That is my prayer for you during this difficult time. I am here for you Heather...love you!
Posted by: Mindy | May 06, 2008 at 11:25 AM
We are so sad for you and your family. We will be praying for you and your family in this time of loss.
Posted by: Rob | May 06, 2008 at 11:27 AM
Heather-
I've been where you are now twice. I know that no words can ease your pain but I wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers. Maybe our angles are playing together in heaven now.
Posted by: Jana | May 06, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Heather,
My heart aches so deeply for you! Sarah P. shared the news with me yesterday. I am so deeply sorry! Please know that we will be lifting you and your family up in prayer and that our precious Lord is not only cradeling Sawyer in His arms right now, but all of you as well.
Posted by: Kristin | May 06, 2008 at 12:13 PM
You are in my prayers. That is all I can offer. Remember we serve an awesome God.
Posted by: Brooke | May 06, 2008 at 12:14 PM
Heather,
What a wake up call for me. I just had a strange dream last night that the same thing happened to me. I've had dreams like that with each pregnancy so I just brushed it off. After reading your post my prayers are with you and your family at this time. I'm going to begin praying for my own baby girl that is due in September. You are a very brave woman. God Bless you.
Posted by: Pamela Kramer | May 06, 2008 at 12:24 PM
I am so sorry Heather. I'm praying for the Father's love and peace to permeate your home.
Posted by: Cheryl | May 06, 2008 at 12:46 PM
Heather, I'm crying as I write this. All I can say is that we are praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Jill Leonard | May 06, 2008 at 12:55 PM
Heather,
As a sister in Christ I can tell you that I am burdened for you. I will carry you in my prayers and ask our Sunday Adult group to do the same. May God's peace be with you.
Posted by: Rebeca in Mesquite, TX | May 06, 2008 at 12:57 PM
We are so sorry for your loss. We are praying for you all. Please let us know how we can help with anything. Our home group is ready to help in any way. God bless you
Shannon
Posted by: The Knight Family | May 06, 2008 at 01:02 PM
I am so sorry to hear of your little one going to heaven. I wish I could take the pain away for you. I am praying for peace for you and your family. Praise God through this storm. He will carry you through!
Posted by: Sunny | May 06, 2008 at 01:17 PM
Heather, Tears are flowing as I read this blog. I am so sorry for you and your family. My heart aches.
I will pray for you "long and hard". Sincerely,
Jamie Bird
Posted by: Jamie Bird | May 06, 2008 at 01:18 PM
Oh Heather- my heart breaks for your family. There are no words. I am so sorry for your loss. We will be praying long and hard for your family.
Posted by: Jamie Bird | May 06, 2008 at 01:28 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family through this difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss...
Posted by: Cynthia | May 06, 2008 at 01:31 PM
oh heather, i am so so sorry. thinking of you and your gorgeous family. angie
Posted by: angie | May 06, 2008 at 01:42 PM
Heather,
I am truly at a loss for words. I want to say something profound that will touch your heart and magically make you feel better. If my heart hurts over this I can only imagine yours. I pray that you find a way to explain something so difficult to your children and I pray that the delivery, if anything, helps bring you closure. I know that God has you and your family and little Sawyer in His hands and although it's hard to see the greater good in things, know that you ARE LOVED, and cherished by us and always by Him. We love you and are praying. I pray you find peace.
Posted by: Angela | May 06, 2008 at 01:59 PM
I am so sad for you right now and will keep you in my thoughts as you and your family go through this.
Posted by: Becky | May 06, 2008 at 02:03 PM