Two months ago today I gave birth to our son Sawyer. Two months ago today our son took his first ride in a car. The car drove him to a funeral home. A brand new car seat, purchased just weeks before and still packed neatly in its box sat in our garage, unused. Today I hold an urn in my hands, but no baby in my arms.
When the funeral home called a few weeks ago and said we could come pick up Sawyer's ashes, I felt a strange sense of finality deep within my soul. This was it. . . the proof that our little boy would no longer be with us as we remembered him.
For those of you who may be wondering, we chose to cremate Sawyer because to bury him required that we know WHERE we wanted his burial place to be. Deciding where to bury our family simply seemed to be too big of a decision to make for us at the time. So, we instead opted to have him cremated and kept with us until we knew.
As a side note: The container that holds Sawyer's ashes, also holds special meaning to me. It was given to me by my grandmother (Nanie). She was a beautiful woman of God who was as generous as the ocean is salty. She died two months before Sawyer. We have always kept the names of our children a secret until they are born--this drove Nanie crazy! Every time we talked, she would try to guess or would suggest names. Two days before she died, we visited her in the hospital and shared with her Sawyer's name (the link will show you a short video clip of her on that day, again showing her generosity by arranging who would get her flowers after she died:). She was so pleased to be the only one to know his name:).
I remember going to the funeral home just a few days after Sawyer was born with Trent to sign papers they had for us regarding the cremation. Reading them over, I recall that there were specifications about how the cremation would be done and details explaining that no jewelry would be consumed in the fire so they had to be removed. I remember thinking, "If only he were old enough to have worn a watch. . ." The director asked us questions required for the form he was filling out. He knew that this was our infant son but yet he still had to ask us if he was married or had ever served in the military (no joke). "If only. . ."
I remember that I carried with me that day a special blanket made for Sawyer and I just clung to it feeling as though I needed to have with me something that was his. It was as if in giving his body up I wanted to still feel as though I had something physical to cling to that was his.
Thinking about my son's lifeless little body laying in a furnace to be burned was almost more than I could take mentally. I know "he" is separated from his body now but as a mother, you want to protect your children from harm. Willingly allowing strangers to handle his body in that way. . . I had to think of it as a very special ceremony and envision that the people performing the ceremony would do it with the uttermost respect and honor (and oh how the tears flow just typing the words) and that the flames themselves were from God, wrapping around his cold body and bringing a special purifying warmth.
I did a search for the word "fire" in the bible and found that there is a strong connection between fire and God's presence. In Genesis 15:17 a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed by Abraham as God's promise that He would keep his word to Abraham. In Exodus 3 while Moses was tending his flock, he came upon a burning bush. God called to Moses from the fiery bush and spoke his instructions to rescue the Israelite people from slavery. In Exodus 13:21 God led the Israelites with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire at night and verse 24 tells us that the pillars never left the front of the people. Exodus 19:18 tells us that the Lord descended on Mount Sinai in fire before he met with Moses, giving him the 10 commandments. Malachi 3:3 speaks of God as a refiners fire whose purpose is to purify. Each of these examples show a part of God's character through fire: he keeps his promises, he speaks to us, he leads us, he meets with us to give us guidelines to keep us safe, he purifies us. However, my favorite example of fire in the bible is found in Daniel 3. It is here that I read the story of three young men (Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego) who were so passionate about their relationship with God that they were willing to give up their lives for it. The King (Nebuchadnezzar) was willing to kill these men because they were putting their allegiance in God (rather than in him). Here is how the story reads in the bible:
19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king's command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.
24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, "Weren't there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?"
They replied, "Certainly, O king."
25 He said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods."
26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!" So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.
28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, "Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. 29 Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way."
The day after the funeral home called to say that the ashes were ready, my husband picked them up in town. After he got home and I came into the room I saw the urn sitting on the kitchen counter next to the sink. It makes sense that a plant, left-overs or perhaps even dirty dishes would be sitting on that counter, but not the remains of my son. I couldn't even bring myself to touch the urn and for several days that is where it sat. Finally I realized that the kitchen was a pretty unsafe place for the urn to be stored, God forbid that it would get knocked off the counter or something. Imagine the sad sight of an emotionally unstable mother sitting on the floor of the kitchen with shards of her sons urn all over the floor (I am told that the ashes themself are stored in a bag inside the urn). So, I was forced to pick it up. I was surprised by how heavy it seemed, despite how small it was. I held it to my chest, embracing it and for just a moment letting my emotions fully realize the preciousness of what I was holding in my hands. I then moved it to our bedroom and placed it next to a maternity photo taken a week before he died where it rested again, untouched, for several days. I have tried to figure out why I haven't touched or held it much. I think perhaps for me it is a little like a Pandora's box; holding it unlocks all the reality of what we have faced in the last two months and lately it has been easier just to push it out of my mind and pretend it away. Tonight as I write this, Sawyers little urn sits next to my computer because I just took a photo of it in my hand. Each time I pick it up, the weight transfers through my hands and settles deep in my heart.
I think that God can make himself known to us in many ways but often he uses fire. The fire that consumed Sawyer's body served one purpose, the fire that feels like it will consume me serves another. I have a promise from God and as shown in Exodus 15:17, God keeps is promises. He says: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Not only did he rescue Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego from the flames, He saw to it that they were not alone in the midst of the fire. I believe he will do the same for me.
How you can pray: That God will continue to show me more of himself
What I am thankful for: God's book of promises (AKA "The Bible")
